


Forgive me, Father.

by FlashBastard



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-12 09:42:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 29
Words: 44,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29258394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlashBastard/pseuds/FlashBastard
Summary: Crowley is a very socially awkward and extremely sheltered Catholic priest and Aziraphale is one of the confessors.  The confessions get rather interesting and Aziraphale makes a game of it.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 83
Kudos: 111





	1. The Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> I am trying to do research as I go but a majority of my knowledge of Catholicism comes from Hollywood.

Father Crowley sat quietly in the confessional. If it hadn’t been a requirement of his current parish, Crowley would have spent his time entirely in the library. The monsignor, however, insisted that all of the priests under him spent at least some time taking confessions. It was the only real way that Father Crowley could interact with the parishioners. He had an almost crippling social anxiety that made it very difficult for him to talk to anyone most of the time. He would manage to make a few noises here and there but that was it. 

“It will be fine, Father Crowley.” The monsignor had said. “You’ve given confession before and you were okay, weren’t you?” 

“Well, yes.” Crowley cleared his throat. He’d known the monsignor for quite some time and still couldn’t get his eyes to land above the man’s nose. Eye contact was almost entirely out of the question for more than a very brief glance. 

“You know that you only have to listen and then give the appropriate penance. They won’t be able to see you.” The monsignor put a hand on Crowley’s shoulder. “You’ll be fine.” 

“Yes, I suppose.” Crowley cleared his throat and nodded. 

That conversation played over and over again in his head as he waited for the first confessor. He’d intentionally picked hours that he knew most people would be at work or school so that hopefully he could get through his time without having to talk to anyone. 

“Lord, if you do truly love me then you won’t make me do this.” He said very quietly. And about twenty seconds later, the door to the other side of the confessional opened and closed. _I see how it is_ , he thought to himself. 

“Bless me father for I have sinned. It has been…..” There was a long pause. “Oh goodness it’s been nearly three months since my last confession.” The young man chuckled. 

“Why so long, my child?” Crowley made a face when his voice cracked a bit. He sat back and looked straight ahead, ignoring the little screened window that let him communicate more easily with the other person. 

“I’ve been rather busy. And I am not as faithful as I should be.” He cleared his throat. “In all honesty, father, I’m here to make my mother happy.” 

“Confession to appease someone else isn’t true confession.” Crowley frowned. Why would anyone force someone into a confession? It didn’t make sense. 

“I suppose you’re right, father. And one should only confess to unburden oneself of guilt, correct?” The young man had a mischievous tone. 

“That is correct, yes.” Crowley started to fidget with the bible in his hands.

“Well, I have done quite a few things that might cause someone guilt.” The young man chuckled. 

“But not yourself?” Crowley raised an eyebrow even though the other person couldn’t see him. 

“Not if I’m completely honest, no. I suppose I could tell you all about my misdeeds and you can tell me if I should feel guilty?” The young man shifted on the bench a little bit. 

“If you feel it's necessary.” Crowley picked at the corner of the cover of his bible. He wasn’t sure he was going to be able to handle this. 

“My biggest sin, I’m afraid, is my untamed lust.” The young man started. “I find myself lusting after so many people, father. Men and women alike. When I see someone beautiful, I simply must have them.” 

“Oh?” Crowley had to clear his throat again. “And are these simply lustful thoughts?” 

“Absolutely not.” The young man laughed. “I have committed sins of the flesh. Many, many times. I have lain with both man and woman. Sometimes at the same time.” He paused a moment. “It is extremely enjoyable, father. To be in the middle of such carnal delights.” 

“I…..I see.” Crowley shifted on the bench. He was starting to need a confession of his own. 

“To have someone caress you…...kiss you…..it’s an amazing feeling. I can’t help myself.” The young man said softly. “Am I a horrible sinner, father? Do I deserve to be punished for enjoyment?” 

“I….am not entirely sure how to answer that question.” Crowley managed. He was having a very hard time actually thinking at the moment. Yes, he would definitely need to confess. And have a very long, cold shower. 

“My mother says I’m a horrible sinner and I’m going to hell if I don’t change my ways.” The young man replied. “Do you think she’s right?” There was a long silence after the question. “Father?” 

“I apologize, my child. I was thinking on the matter.” Crowley cleared his throat yet again. “As long as you ask forgiveness and are truly repentant, you can be saved. It’s a matter of what’s in your heart.” 

“Oh well then I’m afraid I am well and truly doomed, father.” The young man chuckled. “Because I do not regret my actions in the slightest. And I do fully intend on continuing them.” 

“Yes. Well….um…..” Crowley had no idea what he was supposed to say next. He’d never encountered someone that wasn’t asking for forgiveness. “Perhaps it would be best if you go and come back later should you actually wish to confess.” 

“I think you’re right, father. When I am actually repentant of my actions, I’ll come back and share all the details with you.” The young man chuckled. “Thank you for listening, though.” 

“It is my job.” Crowley replied, running his fingers through his hair. He let out a sigh of relief when he heard the door open and close and the young man walked away. He thought he’d given enough time for him to be out of the church before practically running out of the confessional. 

“What did you do to that priest?” Anathema asked with a laugh as her friend met her at the door. 

“I just told him what sins I’ve committed lately.” Ezra said with a grin. “I’m not sure it went over that well.” He laughed and put his arm around her, giving her a big kiss on the cheek. 

“You really are going to hell, Ezra Fell.” Anathema laughed before kissing him on the cheek. 

“Life wouldn’t be any fun otherwise.” Ezra nodded and the two of them walked down the street. It was time to get something to eat. 

“Father Crowley? Are you alright?” Father Gabriel asked as he knocked on the restroom door. After a few moments, the door opened and Crowley stood there looking paler than usual. “What happened?” 

“I don’t know if I can do that again…” Crowley cleared his throat and tried to calm his pounding heart. He didn’t like the way he was reacting to the things the young man had said. 

“I’m sure it wasn’t that bad….” Father Gabriel started. 

“Father Gabriel…..you know that I have led a very sheltered life. I was raised in the orphanage, went to only Catholic schools. Went straight into the priesthood after I graduated high school.” Crowley ran his fingers through his hair. “That young man described things….” 

“Oh.” Father Gabriel was trying very hard not to smirk. “I’ll see what I can do about taking his confession in the future.” 

“Thank you.” Crowley visibly relaxed.

“Now, you still have another two hours in the confessional. Get yourself a glass of water and try to calm down.” Father Gabriel patted his shoulder. Crowley sighed heavily and was tense once again. He silently prayed that any other confessions he took were relatively tame. 

The rest of his first day taking confessions hadn’t been that bad. He only had two other people come in and one was a woman that he’d heard some of the priests call Confession Carol. She came in literally every day to confess even though she’d been told repeatedly that it wasn’t necessary to come in that often. Crowley, however, found himself completely unable to stop thinking about the young man. He knew nothing about him but his voice but his imagination was powerful. He’d spent a good portion of his life alone in his room reading so he could come up with quite a lot. 

It was nearly a week later and he was still fixated on that one confession. Yes, he’d read some things like that in a few of the books he’d come across in his teen years but he’d never actually experienced it. He’d been convinced that there was some part of him that was broken. He simply didn’t feel lust the same way others seemed to. Or at least that’s what he’d thought. 

“What’s troubling you, my son?” The monsignor asked as he watched Crowley sorting some books. He’d come in to look for something in particular. 

“I’m not sure that I can say….” Crowley replied, actually blushing. The monsignor couldn’t remember ever seeing him blush before. It made him all the more curious. 

“Would you feel more comfortable in the confessional?” He did take priest confessions every now and again. They were all only human after all. There was a brief pause before Crowley nodded. The two went to the confessional. 

“Forgive me father for I have sinned.” Crowley cleared his throat. The monsignor insisted that the priests didn’t have to mention how long it had been since their last confession. 

“And what is this sin you’ve committed, my son?” The monsignor tilted his head. It was usually something very tame when it came to Father Crowley. 

“I’m afraid that my thoughts have been dwelling on one of the confessions I took. I’ve been unable to think about almost anything else.” Crowley frowned. 

“How is that a sin?” The monsignor tried to keep his tone even. 

“It was a rather…..amorous confession, father. The young man admitted to many lustful deeds and I’ve been unable to stop thinking about it.” Crowley cleared his throat and blushed again. 

“Oh, I see.” The monsignor nodded. He had known Father Crowley since he was a teenager and truly believed he was incapable of such feelings. “Perhaps dwelling on the confession isn’t actually sinful. It could be that you are worried for the young man’s eternal soul and you fear that his acts will send him to damnation.” 

“I’m afraid that’s not it at all.” Crowley shook his head. “The thoughts I’ve been having are….” He sighed heavily. “They are indeed lustful themselves.” 

“I see.” The monsignor tried very hard not to chuckle. “And have you acted on these thoughts in any way?” 

“Well, no. Of course not.” Crowley made a face. “But the bible says ‘as you think, so you are’. Doesn’t that mean having lustful thoughts is the same as being lustful?” 

“Father Crowley…...Anthony.” The monsignor started. “I have known you for a very long time. You are one of the most devout men I have ever met in all my years in the church. I truly do not believe that one instance of lustful thinking makes you a sinner.” 

“Oh.” Crowley said softly. He looked down at his hands. 

“Perform an act of contrition. I promise you, all will be forgiven.” The monsignor stood to leave the confessional. Crowley stayed in the booth and did as he was assigned, then went out to sit and pray for a while. 

“I really wish I could have seen the priest's face.” Ezra said with a laugh. 

“Why are you so evil? He’s a priest. Leave the man alone.” Newt shook his head. “He’s probably still a virgin. You’re going to make his head explode.” 

“Something will explode, I’m sure.” Ezra winked and Anathema laughed when Newt made a face. 

“Think your mum will be happy for the time being now that you’ve confessed your sins?” Anathema rolled her eyes. Her expression changed when she saw the evil grin forming on Ezra’s face. 

“Don’t even think about it.” Newt said as he shifted in his chair. 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Ezra smirked. 

“Think about what?” Anathema asked. She looked at Newt and then her eyes went wide and she gasped, looking back at Ezra. 

“Oh you better not!” She reached over and slapped his arm. 

“I really feel like I’m going to need a lot more confessing in the near future.” Ezra grinned broadly. 

“You know that different priests are there at different times….” Newt started. Ezra shook his head. 

“There’s a set schedule. Same priests at the same time the same days of the week. I just have to figure out when his time slot is.” Ezra laughed. “I swear I could hear the blood rushing from his brain as I talked.” 

“You’re going to scar him for life, Ezra.” Newt made a face again. 

“That poor man.” Anathema shook her head. 

“If I’m going to Hell anyway I might as well have fun getting there.” Ezra laughed. He really was an evil bastard when he wanted to be.


	2. Flashback

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look back at the life of Anthony Crowley.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter starts when he's 4 and goes through modern day. I also don't know if the Safe Haven laws are actually a thing in England. I just put it in the story. Here in the US you can leave a child at a church or a fire station or something like that and not get in trouble for abandoning them.

May 1999. 

Sister Agatha had been unable to sleep and was on her way to the kitchen when she heard something just outside the doors to the orphanage. She double checked the clock above the main door and saw that it was three in the morning. No one should have been outside at that hour. She made the sign of the cross and said a little prayer that it was no one with the intention of hurting any of them as she made her way to the door. 

Just outside on the steps was a stroller holding a sleeping little boy. He was wearing flannel pajamas and had a teddy bear with him. The only other object was a small rolling suitcase sitting beside him with an envelope on top. Inside the envelope was a note that simply said “Please take care of Anthony. Birth Date 18 Apr 1995.” along with a few twenty pound notes. Sister Agatha was suddenly very thankful for the safe haven laws. She feared what would have happened to the boy if leaving him on the orphanage steps weren’t an option.

Though the little boy was apparently 4 years old based on the note left with him, he did not speak. He was extremely shy and would only let go of his teddy bear long enough to be bathed. The nuns feared that he may have some sort of disability but after a few tests the doctors all said he was fine. He’d mainly just been neglected and no one bothered to teach him how to speak. It was just a matter of teaching him. 

It took a while to get him talking. Even when he did, he was very quiet and didn’t say much unless it was necessary. He kept mostly to himself, even when the other children tried to include him in their games. Sister Agatha often tried to coax him into being more outgoing but it just didn’t work. They did find, however, that he was extremely intelligent. Once he actually started reading it was very difficult to get him to stop. 

Over the years, as Anthony got older, the potential parents that wished to meet him got fewer and farther between. When he was still very young there’d been a few couples that considered adopting him. One even agreed to let him use their last name. It was how he became Anthony Crowley. Before the adoption went through, however, the husband lost his job and they just couldn’t afford to care for a child anymore. That was the last time that Anthony got his hopes up about leaving the orphanage. Whenever a couple would meet him, he would just sit quietly with a book in his lap. Occasionally he would shrug or nod when asked questions but he almost never spoke. He had actually gotten to the point that he didn’t want to leave the orphanage. 

Anthony saw other children come and go and never really considered any of them his friends. The closest thing he had to a friend was the teddy bear that he’d had when he was dropped off. He’d stopped snuggling with it after about age eight but he kept it near his bed at all times. Sometimes when he was sure he was alone he would talk to it, but only if he was absolutely certain no one would come walking in. 

Then the day came when it was time for him to start attending secondary school. 

“I don’t understand why I have to go to a different school.” He pouted as he sat on the steps waiting for the bus. 

“We’re not equipped to handle anything above a primary education, Anthony. You know that.” Mother Superior said as she sat next to him. Sister Agatha had gotten a promotion over the years. 

“Maybe they should change that.” Anthony said with a little pout. Mother Superior sighed. Anthony was the only child that the orphanage took in that made it this long without being adopted. 

“Think of it as an adventure. You could meet new people. Maybe make some actual friends…..” 

“I don’t need friends.” Anthony crossed his arms. He hadn’t bothered to try to make friends in the orphanage because they would just end up getting adopted anyway. 

“Oh my sweet boy, I wish you didn’t actually believe that.” Mother Superior shook her head. Before anything else could be said the bus arrived and Anthony was sent off to school. It was a private secondary school associated with the church. This is when Anthony met Father Andrews who he would come later to address as Monsignor. 

Anthony’s secondary school career was marked with high grades and even a few awards. He didn’t attend any extra curricular activities, though, and rarely spent time with anyone outside of the school.. There were even a few of the kids that made fun of him but he just ignored them and stuck to his books. 

“Anthony, can I talk to you for a moment?” Father Andrews asked. 

“Okay.” Anthony marked the page in the book he was reading and looked up at the priest. 

“You know that extra curricular activities are required to get into university?” Father Andrews tilted his head. 

“Yes, I’m aware.” Anthony nodded. 

“So why aren’t you participating in any?” 

“Because I don’t plan to go to university.” Anthony said with a shrug before getting back to his book. He assumed that was the end of the conversation. 

“Why not? You’re extremely intelligent. You could get into any university you wanted.” Father Andrews moved a little closer to him. 

“I’m going to be a priest.” Anthony replied without looking up from his book. 

“Anthony, you’re going to have to attend university to become a priest.” Father Andrews chuckled. 

“Oh.” Anthony set his book down and started to pick at his nails. “I….hadn’t thought about that.” 

“Yes. You’re required to study philosophy in university before you can go to seminary.” 

“But…..I can do that at any university, correct? Even online ones?” He was trying very hard to not have to leave and he really didn’t want to have to meet new people. 

“I suppose so, yes.” Father Andrews sighed. “But you won’t be able to really experience university life if you do it online. And maybe once you get to university you’ll decide that service to the church isn’t what you want to do with your life.” 

“Are you saying I shouldn’t be a priest?” Anthony tilted his head. 

“Absolutely not. I’m simply saying that maybe going out and being away from this….” He motioned around them. “Will make you see what your true calling is.” 

“Why delay the inevitable?” Anthony picked his book back up and started reading again. Father Andrews sighed heavily and walked away. He really was worried that Anthony was making the wrong choice. 

Anthony did, in fact, only attend online classes and managed to get by with the bare minimum necessary to go to seminary. He fully intended to become a priest no matter what anyone else might think. He was convinced that that was what he was meant to do with his life. Otherwise why would he have been left at a Catholic orphanage? 

He had been an actual, ordained priest for roughly a year when he started being required to take confessions. It had been a lot of work but he knew that it was all worth it. He would spend the rest of his life in service to God and the church. The world would be a better place for it. At least that’s what he thought. Deep down he realized that he was mainly sequestering himself away in the priesthood so that he didn’t have to worry about rejection and anything else that might come from being out in the real world. After taking the confessions of that rather amorous young man he started to wonder if maybe he’d let himself be far too sheltered for his own good.


	3. Another Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ezra is at it again.

“Are you actually going to do this?” Anathema asked as she watched Ezra get ready to go out. He’d decided that even though he wouldn’t be seen, he wanted to dress up a little bit. 

“I absolutely am.” Ezra nodded. He finished tying his tie and ran his fingers through his hair to straighten it up a bit, though there wasn’t much of that with his curls. 

“You know what? I don’t think you’re actually going to go to Hell.” Anathema said with a little bit of a smirk. 

“Why do you say that?” Ezra asked with a laugh. 

“Because you have to actually have a soul in order for that to happen.” She stuck her tongue out at him and he laughed a bit more. 

“Alright, I’ll see you later, dear.” He walked over and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek before heading out the door. It had taken him a little while to figure out the schedule. He noticed Father Gabriel quite a few times but he was there during the most active hours. It seemed the priest that Ezra was looking for did everything he could to avoid as many people as possible. That made his little game even better. He stepped into the booth and knelt down, clearing his throat. 

“Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It’s been three weeks since my last confession.” Ezra said with a little smile on his face. Crowley immediately tensed up as soon as he heard that voice. And, of course, there was no way for him to just leave. Besides that, Father Gabriel was away visiting family and none of the other priests were available. 

“And…” Crowley had to clear his throat. “What sins have you committed?” 

“Oh quite a few, I’m afraid.” Ezra smirked. “It’s mostly my lustful heart again, father. I have been with six different people sexually since my last confession. I couldn’t help it.” 

“I see.” Crowley was trying very hard to keep his tone even, though he was practically sweating. 

“Yes. While I must be honest and say I don’t regret all of my actions, there were a few that I’m ashamed of.” Ezra shifted so that he was sitting on the bench. 

“Why is that, my child?” Crowley started to pick at a spot on his pants. 

“Well, the sex was just awful.” Ezra said with a chuckle. “I hardly enjoyed myself. It was almost anticlimactic.” 

“Is that the only reason you regret it?” Crowley raised an eyebrow. He thought the young man wouldn’t come in unless he was truly repentant. 

“Actually, yes. It is. It’s very hard for me to regret exquisite carnal actions. Like the other night. I felt so much pleasure I thought I would float away into the night. The way he touched me. It felt as if he’d known my body for decades.” Ezra licked his lips as he thought about it. 

“I see.” Crowley closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He needed to stay focused. 

“He had a rather skilled tongue.” Ezra grinned. “Without saying a single word.” 

“If he didn’t talk how…..” Crowley started and then he stopped. He swallowed hard as he realized what the young man meant. “Never mind.” 

“You are getting the picture then?” Ezra asked. 

“Yes, quite vividly.” Crowley took another deep breath. “I’m afraid, my child, that if you are not repentant then I will need to leave my time for someone who is truly seeking forgiveness.” Though his words lacked the conviction he tried to put into them. 

“You’re right, father. I really shouldn’t have taken up your time with my sexual deviance. Though it does feel nice to have someone to talk to about it that isn’t as bothered by fleshly matters as I am.” Ezra cleared his throat. “Have a good day, father.” He said and then left before Crowley could reply. 

Crowley found himself once again unable to stop thinking about the young man’s confession. He seemed to go into a little more detail this time. It made him both curious and slightly ashamed. As a priest he shouldn’t have such thoughts but it was difficult to avoid them when they were practically handed over on a silver platter. He would definitely have to do some serious praying, after yet another long, cold shower of course.


	4. Attending services

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ezra decides to actually start going to mass.

After the second trip to the confessional, Ezra decided that if he were going to confess on a regular basis he should probably actually start attending mass occasionally. At least every other week. It would also give him a chance to check out the priest and see if he could figure out which one he was messing with. One couldn’t dampen the Saturday evening activities, though, so he opted for the noon service. He hadn’t realized, though, that his mother had switched to the noon service as well. She’d been attending the 9am service for as long as he could remember. 

“I’m so happy you’ve started attending mass, darling.” She said as she hooked her arm with his. 

“Yeah, it’s great.” Ezra tried not to sound too sarcastic. 

“I’m sure this will be good for you.” She kissed his cheek and settled into the pew. 

“Oh yeah. Save my soul and all that.” Ezra rolled his eyes when she wasn’t looking and just settled in. He knew the services could be a bit long. He’d been hoping he could get away with quietly messing around on his phone but his mother would insist that he pay attention now. 

It didn’t take Ezra as long as he thought to figure out which priest was the one taking his confessions. He knew the man sounded uncomfortable but he thought originally it was the subject matter. When Ezra saw the lovely ginger haired priest sitting quietly and keeping his eyes on his Bible almost the entire time, he knew that had to be him. 

“I didn’t realize that priests could be that hot.” Ezra said to Anathema when he got home. 

“You’ve seen Father Gabriel and you didn’t realize priests could be hot?” She raised an eyebrow. 

“He’s a different kind of hot.” Ezra shook his head. “This one was different.” Tall and thin and ginger. He wished the man had looked up so he could see what color his eyes were.

“Ezra, you’re not falling for a priest, are you?” Newt asked as he came in from the kitchen. 

“What? No.” Ezra shook his head. “He’s just really good looking. I totally would have picked him up in a club.” 

“I’ll have to go with you next time so I can get a look.” Anathema said. “Even if your mom is there.” 

“I think I managed to talk her back into the earlier service but we’ll just have to see.” Ezra shrugged. “Now, what’s for lunch?” 

One thing that Crowley prided himself on was his ability to remember faces. He might not be able to put a name with the face, but he did remember every face he saw clearly. Which meant that he noticed the new face in the congregation at the noon service. He was a bit surprised to see said face belonging to someone sitting with Mrs. Fell. Though you wouldn’t have been able to tell by his body language, Crowley found himself unable to stop looking at the young man. 

He had curly blond hair that just drew the eye and that sweet face. The young man was definitely attractive. Crowley was very thankful that he didn’t actually take part in the service because his thoughts kept wandering as he occasionally glanced at the beautiful young man. 

“Is everything alright, Father Crowley?” Father Gabriel asked after the service was over. 

“Yes, of course. Why do you ask?” Crowley had been a bit distracted but he’d been trying to go about his duties. 

“You’re not quite here right now.” Father Gabriel said with a little smile. 

“I’m fine.” Crowley nodded. After a couple of moments of silence, Crowley looked at Father Gabriel. “Who was that young man with Mrs. Fell?” 

“Was there someone with her today? I hadn’t noticed.” Father Gabriel furrowed his brow. “Though I imagine it was probably her son, Ezra.” He shrugged. 

“He hasn’t come with her before.” Crowley went back to what he was doing. 

“No, I suppose not. He’s not exactly the most devout of Catholics.” Of course Father Gabriel knew more than he was letting on. 

“Right.” Crowley nodded. Of course you didn’t have to be an evil person to just not go to church. He looked too sweet and innocent to be too much trouble. But looks could definitely be deceiving. He just shook the thoughts away as he finished up. 

That night Crowley found himself thinking about Ezra. He closed his eyes and pictured the young man’s face, sighing softly. He really was a beautiful young man. Maybe one day he’d get up the courage to have an actual conversation with him. Though it didn’t matter if he did or not. He’d given himself to the church.


	5. Seeking Advice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both Ezra and Crowley seek advice from others.

“Forgive me, father, for I have sinned. It’s been one week since my last confession.” The young man said as he got situated into the booth. 

“And what sins have you committed this week?” Crowley asked. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. 

“I’ve been with both a man and a woman this week, father.” The young man replied. 

“I see.” Crowley picked up the bottle of water he’d started to take with him into the confessional specifically because of this young man. 

“At the same time.” The young man said with a little bit of a smirk. Crowley could hear it in his voice. 

“Of course you were.” Crowley muttered under his breath. 

“What was that, father?” The young man asked. 

“Nothing. Please, continue.” Crowley cleared his throat before taking a long drink from the water bottle. As the young man started to describe every sordid detail of his encounter, Crowley looked up. _You’re testing me, aren’t you? That has to be it. You’re testing my dedication to the church. _.__

__“It was actually rather amazing.” The young man said after a short pause._ _

__“Is there anything about the encounter that you regret?” Crowley asked as he pinched the bridge of his nose. Why did this young man insist on coming in here and bragging about exploits about which he very clearly didn’t feel guilty?_ _

__“I do, actually. And I mean that sincerely this time, father.” The young man said. Crowley straightened a little when he heard the tone shift in his voice. “I regret the way I left things.”_ _

__“Why is that?” Crowley raised an eyebrow._ _

__“I woke up before the two of them. Usually I at least take the time to say goodbye before getting dressed and leaving but this time, I didn’t. I just quietly gathered my things and left.” The young man sounded genuinely regretful._ _

__“Have you spoken to them since?” Crowley picked up the bible sitting next to him and started flipping through quietly, trying to find the verse he was looking for._ _

__“I….actually haven’t.” The young man sighed. “I’ve been ignoring their calls and texts.”_ _

__“And you feel guilt because of your actions?” Crowley stopped turning the pages. This was a very new development. Usually, he didn’t seem to care._ _

__“I do, yes.” The young man replied._ _

__“Then perhaps the way you can alleviate that guilt is to actually talk to them.” Crowley offered. He frowned when the young man laughed._ _

__“You’ve never been in this kind of situation, father. I can’t just call them up out of the blue after ghosting them for a week.”_ _

__“Then I suggest answering your phone if one of them calls. Or replying if one of them texts. Apologize for the delay in communication and set clear ground rules for in the future.” Crowley put the bible back down beside him. There definitely wasn’t a scripture for this._ _

__“Maybe…..” The young man sighed again._ _

__“The other option is to continue to ignore them and let the guilt eat at you until you do something stupid.” This was one of the few times that Crowley wished the young man could see the look on his face._ _

__“You’re right, father. I can’t just keep feeling guilty. If one of them tries to contact me, I’ll reply.” The young man started to get up._ _

__“That’s the right thing to do, yes.” Crowley cleared his throat. “And….thank you.”_ _

__“For what?” The young man let out a little chuckle._ _

__“For actually seeking my counsel rather than just sharing your…..adventures.” Crowley ran his fingers through his hair._ _

__“Oh yes….of course.” The young man said and then left the booth. Crowley took another long drink from his bottle of water. At least there was a little bit of improvement._ _

__

__Because Crowley only had a voice to go on when thinking about all the various things that the young man described, he had to use his imagination when it came to a face. He assumed the young man was classically good looking and very charming. He probably had dark hair and smoldering brown eyes. At least, that’s what Crowley pictured. And picture him he did. He found himself occasionally day dreaming as he imagined what it would be like to actually experience the things he only heard about. This would often happen as he was sitting in the library going over one of the many texts that he often read just to pass the time._ _

__“Father Crowley?” A voice said, pulling him out of his daydream._ _

__“Mother Superior, how are you?” Crowley asked as he started to get up. She waved a hand and sat down in the chair across from him._ _

__“I’m good. Though I am curious how you’re doing?” She asked with a little bit of a smile. The smile broadened when Father Crowley blushed._ _

__“I’m okay.” He nodded and cleared his throat, closing the book in front of him._ _

__“You seemed to be somewhere else just then.” She said._ _

__“My mind wanders off sometimes, you know that.” He blushed a bit more and pushed the book to the side. “So, what brings you by?” He smiled at her. The smile turned to confusion when she put a small present on the table and pushed it toward him. It was about a five inch square and wrapped in plain white paper with a blue ribbon. “What’s this?”_ _

__“You’re joking, right?” She asked as she tilted her head. She laughed outright when Crowley shook his head. “Leave it to you to forget your own birthday.” She chuckled._ _

__“I….is it?” He hadn’t really been paying attention. “No one’s said anything…..” He looked around the library and then back at Mother Superior._ _

__“They’ve probably just assumed that you don’t want to make a big deal about it.” She replied._ _

__“Oh.” He nodded. When she indicated the present, Crowley slowly opened it. Inside was a gold pocket watch with his initials engraved on the front. “I…..Mother Superior this is too generous.”_ _

__“It was, admittedly, a returned favor from an old friend. You deserve it, dear boy.” She grinned._ _

__“Thank you.” He nodded and closed the box back. He’d have to find the perfect fob to go with it. They sat quietly for a moment before Crowley looked Mother Superior in the eye. She was the only person that had garnered that privilege. The only person that Crowley felt that comfortable with. She had known him almost all his life, after all. “May I ask you something?”_ _

__“Of course, dear boy.” She nodded. She’d always called him that ever since he arrived on her doorstep._ _

__“How do you handle temptation?” He started to play with the ribbon from the box as he looked at her. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly._ _

__“It depends on the level of temptation, really. But mostly, I pray. I read the Bible and seek God’s insight.” She reached across the table and took his hand. “What’s this about, Anthony?” Her voice was soft. Crowley closed his eyes for a moment and sighed heavily._ _

__“There is a young man that keeps coming into my confessional. He keeps telling me about all of his…..activities.” Crowley blushed as he said the word. “And I quite often find myself thinking about him. And about the things he says.”_ _

__“I see.” She nodded and sat back in her chair. So that had been what was going through his mind. “I think that the best course of action is to pray. And to listen. There could be some kind of hidden meaning in the things that the young man says. Perhaps he’s telling you all of this because he has no one else that will listen to him.”_ _

__“I highly doubt that.” Crowley said with a snort. “He’s told me about quite a few people he’s been with…..”_ _

__“Being with someone physically is quite different than being with someone intimately. Just because he’s slept with these various people doesn’t mean that they’re actually there for him when he needs it. It’s entirely possible that this young man is coming to you because you want nothing from him. You listen, you give advice, and then he goes on about his day. You expect nothing in return.” She gave him a small smile._ _

__“I….hadn’t really thought about it that way.” Crowley furrowed his brow. “He did ask for my advice about one of his exploits, though. He felt guilty about not communicating with the people he’d been with.”_ _

__“You see?” She grinned. “The next time he comes to you to confess, don’t think of it as him bragging about his sex life. Think of it as someone looking for the advice of a friend. Someone who just needs an ear. And maybe once you start seeing things that way, the wandering thoughts will stop.”_ _

__“Maybe you’re right.” Crowley nodded. They both stood and he walked around to give her a quick hug._ _

__“I still can’t believe you’re so tall.” She laughed softly and Crowley blushed again._ _

__“Thank you, Mother Superior.” Crowley smiled. The advice really did help. He was already starting to feel a little better._ _

__“Any time at all, my dear boy.” She kissed his cheek before turning to walk away. Crowley sat back down and started to look through the book again, this time a little more able to concentrate on the text._ _


	6. Dreaming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I think the chapter title speaks for itself.

Crowley was once again sitting quietly in the confessional. He found himself actually wanting the young man to come in and give him all the details of his latest conquest. He almost longed for it. After a few moments, there was the sound of the other door opening and closing. 

“Forgive me, father, for I have sinned. It’s been one week since my last confession.” The familiar voice started. Crowley found his heart suddenly racing. 

“And what sins have you committed?” He asked. 

“This time, it is my lustful thoughts, father.” The young man answered. 

“No deeds this time?” Crowley asked with a little smirk. 

“A little bit of both. You see, father, I find myself thinking of someone else when I’m with someone. I can’t help it. I close my eyes and imagine that I’m with a different person entirely.” The young man said softly. 

“I’m sure that happens all the time with people. Especially those that aren’t in a committed relationship.” Crowley cleared his throat. 

“But you see, father, the person that I am imagining being with is a priest.” He almost whispered the last part. 

“I see. Well, Father Gabriel is quite attractive.” Crowley answered. 

“I don’t imagine myself with Father Gabriel.” Came the reply. 

“Who do you imagine yourself with?” Crowley asked, his heart pounding once again. He licked his lips as he waited for an answer. The only reply he got was the sound of the confessional door opening and then closing. And then, the door to his side opened and the young man stood there, looking him in the eye. 

“I imagine I’m with you.” The young man said as he entered the booth and shut the door behind him. 

“This...this isn’t…..it’s not….” Crowley started. Before he could say anything else the young man pulled him to his feet and kissed him fiercely. Crowley couldn’t help himself and just melted into the kiss. He’d never longed for anything more in his life. 

“I want you.” The young man whispered in his ear. 

“I…..” Crowley started. He closed his eyes as he felt hands moving over his body and then…..his alarm went off. Crowley reached over and slapped the button to turn it off, groaning. 

“Why do you hate me?” He practically whined at the offensive device. Crowley sighed as he looked down at himself and the very obvious bulge in the blankets. He’d definitely have to start the day with a cold shower. 

Ezra sat quietly in the church and just looked up at the pulpit. He thought about the day when the lovely, ginger haired priest would get up and speak. He didn’t know if it would ever happen, the priest seemed very shy. As if on cue, the priest came out of the confessional and just stood there for a moment. He really was beautiful, though not Ezra’s usual type. 

“Is everything okay?” The priest asked as he walked toward Ezra. He caught a glimpse of bright green eyes as he came closer. 

“Yes, father. I’m just…..contemplating.” Ezra replied. He couldn’t help himself as he looked the priest up and down. 

“I see. And what are you contemplating, if I might ask.” The priest came around and sat next to Ezra on the pew. Ezra was absolutely certain that he smelled amazing. 

“Desire.” Ezra said as he shifted a little on the pew so he could face the priest better. 

“That is something that we all contemplate at some point.” The priest replied with a smirk. “And what is it you desire?” 

“This is going to sound utterly ridiculous.” Ezra shook his head. “I’m a horrible sinner for even considering it.” 

“It can’t be that bad, can it?” The priest raised an eyebrow. Ezra blushed a little bit and looked down. 

“You.” He said softly. 

“What was that?” The priest asked with a chuckle. 

“My desire is you.” Ezra said, looking up slowly. Their eyes met and Ezra found himself completely able to get lost in the beautiful pools of green. 

“I see.” The priest nodded. He shifted a little closer to Ezra and smirked slightly. “And what if I were to tell you that you may have what you desire?” 

“I….what?” Ezra furrowed his brow. The priest moved even closer. 

“I am telling you that you may have that which you desire.” The priest replied, reaching over and putting a hand on Ezra’s thigh. Those gorgeous green eyes got a little bit darker with lust and Ezra found himself moaning. 

The priest leaned in and started to kiss and nibble on Ezra’s neck as his hand slowly moved up his thigh. Ezra put a hand on the back of his head and licked his lips. The fact that they were out in the open in a church just made it that much more erotic. 

“Ezra?” It was a woman’s voice calling his name. 

“What?” Ezra started to look around and there, in the church, was Anathema. 

“Ezra, you’re going to be late.” She said softly. “You need to wake up.” 

“I….what?” 

“Ezra! Wake up!” And then there was the sensation of falling. Ezra opened his eyes to find himself on the floor, having been pulled out of bed by Anathema. 

“You couldn’t have given me like…..five more minutes?” Ezra asked as he ran his fingers over his face. 

“You’re going to need enough time to take care of that in the shower before you have to go to work.” Anathema said with a chuckle as she looked down at Ezra. 

“You’re an evil woman and I hate you.” Ezra said as he got to his feet. 

“You love me.” Anathema said with a grin before giving Ezra a kiss on the cheek. 

“Keep telling yourself that.” Ezra said with a laugh. 

“Now, go take care of your raging hard on and get ready for work.” She chuckled before heading out of his bedroom door. Ezra knew exactly what he’d be thinking about while he was taking a shower.


	7. Handling things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley and Ezra handle their situations in very different ways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It should be noted that for the purposes of the story, Father Gabriel is in his late thirties.

It had been three weeks since the dreams started. There was a part of Crowley that wished he could control his dreams, and another part that was very thankful he couldn’t. The bright side was that he was reserving the hot water for everyone else. The young man had come in to confess only twice in those three weeks and the confessions were both salacious. On one occasion Crowley found himself completely enthralled by the story being told. There was no denying that the confessions were having an affect on him, though. 

“Father Gabriel, could I talk to you for a moment?” Crowley asked as they were setting up for the next mass. 

“Of course. What’s up?” Father Gabriel asked.

“It’s a bit of a...sensitive matter.” Crowley looked around at the people that were already starting to come in. Father Gabriel nodded and motioned for Crowley to go into one of the side rooms. 

“You’re not usually one to have sensitive matters.” Father Gabriel asked with a raised eyebrow. 

“Well…..not when it comes to talking to you, no.” Crowley made a face. “I just….I really can’t take this to the monsignor.” 

“Okay…” Father Gabriel tried not to smirk. “So, what’s going on?” 

“You were older when you decided to serve the church…..a bit older anyway.” Crowley started. 

“That’s correct.” Father Gabriel nodded. 

“So you’ve had a bit more…..experience than I have.” Of course there were teenagers that had considerably more experience than Crowley had but that was beside the point. 

“I’m not a virgin if that’s what you’re getting at.” Father Gabriel smiled a little. 

“Right.” Crowley said with a nod. “Do you um….have dreams?” Crowley looked down at his hands and started to pick at his nails. 

“Everyone dreams, Crowley.” Father Gabriel started and then he paused. “Oh….you mean…. _dreams_?” 

“Yes.” Crowley nodded and blushed. 

“I do, occasionally, yes. It’s human nature to have those kinds of dreams. Especially if they’re memories.” Father Gabriel crossed his arms. 

“And how do you deal with it?” Crowley cleared his throat and blushed a little harder. Father Gabriel watched him for a moment and then smiled. 

“I handle it.” He replied matter of factly. 

“Well, yes, I gathered that but how…..oh.” It took a second for Crowley to catch up. “I’ve always been told that’s a sin.” 

“Are you saying that you’ve never…..handled it?” Father Gabriel raised an eyebrow. 

“I’m not saying that, no. Despite what others might think I was a normal teenage boy. Physiologically speaking. I just haven’t….in a while.” Crowley said with a shrug. 

“What exactly do you mean by a while?” Father Gabriel asked. 

“Probably….not since high school.” Crowley replied. Had it really been that long? 

“Well that explains things.” Father Gabriel muttered under his breath. No wonder he was so tense all the time. He shook his head before continuing. “How do you normally deal with it?” 

“Cold showers have worked in the past.” Crowley kept picking at his nails. 

“But they haven’t been lately?” Father Gabriel was trying very hard not to smirk. 

“No. Not recently.” Crowley shook his head. 

“I see.” Father Gabriel moved a little closer and put a hand on Crowley’s shoulder. He did notice the younger man flinch slightly but he didn’t completely move away. “If the cold showers aren’t working anymore you’re going to have to…..handle it.” This time he allowed the smirk. 

“Oh.” Crowley cleared his throat. He’d been afraid of that. “I….thank you. For the advice and for...taking it seriously.” 

“It’s no trouble at all. Can I ask what suddenly brought this on?” Father Gabriel kept his hand on Crowley’s shoulder. The young priest had been so quiet for all the time he’d known him. The conversation was a bit surprising. 

“I think you know.” Crowley made a face as he lifted his head a little bit. Father Gabriel laughed. 

“If it makes you feel any better at all, I’ve had some confessions like that and they’ve caused me to have to handle things a few times. It’s human nature.” Father Gabriel patted Crowley’s shoulder before dropping his hand to his side. 

“That does help a little, yeah.” Crowley nodded. The two men went back out to finish setting up for the service. 

Anathema was trying to hide a smirk as she walked into the apartment. She wasn’t surprised to find Ezra sitting on the couch playing some kind of weird video game. She had her arms full of grocery bags and she cleared her throat. 

“Hey. You’re home.” Ezra kept his eyes on the screen. 

“If you don’t pause that game and come help me I am going to throw an orange at your head.” Anathema threatened before heading toward the kitchen. Ezra sighed dramatically and then paused the game, getting up and taking some of the bags from her. 

“Did you get everything on the list?” Ezra started going through the bags. 

“Yes, I did. I got your weird cheese dip and the tortilla chips you wanted.” Anathema made a face. The dip was just one step above cheese whiz. 

“Awesome.” Ezra kept digging, looking for his snacks. 

“So, I um….ran into Trevor at the grocery store.” She was once again trying to hide a smirk. 

“Did you?” Ezra asked without looking up. 

“Yeah. We had a rather interesting conversation.” Anathema smacked his hands away from one of the bags as she tried to put things away. 

“Oh?” Ezra cleared his throat and went to get a soda out of the fridge. 

“Yeah. He wanted to know when you started being into priests.” She stopped hiding the smirk. 

“I have absolutely no idea what he’s talking about.” Ezra started doing anything that kept him from being able to look Anathema in the eye. 

“You know we share the Amazon account, right?” Anathema asked. 

“Still not sure what you mean.” Ezra shrugged. She stopped what she was doing and pulled out her phone, loading up the recent purchases page and held the phone out to Ezra. 

“I didn’t order that. Newt must be playing a prank.” Ezra cleared his throat and went back to sorting groceries. 

“You’re a horrible liar, Ezra, you know that, right?” Anathema asked as she closed the browser window clearly showing a priest costume before putting her phone away. Ezra sighed heavily. 

“Only to you.” He made a face as he looked at her. 

“You had Trevor dress as a priest and then fucked him. What is that about?” Anathema tilted her head. Ezra just looked at her for a minute and her eyes went wide. “No!” 

“Yes.” Ezra sighed heavily. “I can’t get him out of my head. I’ve been having all kinds of dreams about him…..it’s…..he’s a priest! I literally don’t stand any kind of a chance with him.” 

“Forbidden fruit.” Anathema laughed. “You want him because you can’t have him.” 

“You know that saying started because of the Garden of Eden, right? The whole eating the apple they weren’t supposed to eat?” Ezra asked. 

“Yeah, everybody knows that. So?” She rolled her eyes. 

“So…..they had the apple anyway.” Ezra smirked a little then ducked when Anathema threw an orange at him. 

“And it completely ruined both of their lives. You need to stay away from that priest.” She pointed at him. “No more church for you, young man.” 

“What are you going to do? Tie me to the bed so I can’t leave the house?” Ezra asked with a smirk. 

“No. You’d like that too much.” Anathema said and stuck her tongue out at him. Ezra laughed and shook his head. Ezra was once again thinking about that lovely ginger priest as he helped Anathema finish putting away the groceries.


	8. Meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley and Ezra finally meet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said this in a comment but this story is turning out to be so much easier to write than I originally thought.

“I don’t understand why I have to do this.” Crowley almost whined as he stood in the reception hall. The church needed a new roof so they were having a fundraiser. 

“Because you, Anthony Crowley, are not as special as you think you are.” Father Gabriel said before walking away. 

“I don’t think I’m special….” Crowley frowned. “I just….can’t actually talk to people.” 

“You’ve been doing a lot better lately.” The monsignor said as he walked up. “You said hi to Meredith just this past Sunday." 

“She attends almost every service and she said hi first.” Crowley pulled at his collar which was suddenly very uncomfortable. 

“You won’t have to make a speech. You simply need to attend. You’ve been to plenty of these before. Especially when you were younger.” The monsignor commented. 

“And if you recall I was sitting in a corner reading my book most of the time.” Whichever book he happened to be reading at that moment. 

“Come on. Stop being a baby.” Father Gabriel walked over and lightly punched Crowley’s arm. “Maybe this will help you be less shy.” 

“Maybe.” Crowley made a face. Not that he actually wanted to be less shy. It made things easier when he just kept to himself. 

“You really shouldn’t go to this.” Anathema shook her head. She’d managed to talk him out of going to mass and confession the last few times he tried. And staying away from the church at least appeared to help with his latest issue. 

“I have to go. It’s a fundraiser for the church. Unless you’re going to be willing to answer my phone when my mom calls?” Ezra raised an eyebrow. He was looking rather nice in his beige suit with a pale blue dress shirt. He left the top two buttons unbuttoned to appear a little more comfortable. 

“Ew no.” Anathema shook her head. “Will you at least take Newt with you? He’ll keep you in line.” 

“What exactly are you expecting to happen?” Ezra asked with a laugh. 

“I’m expecting to hear that you’ve seduced a priest in front of the entire congregation.” Anathema crossed her arms. 

“You should wear this.” Newt said as he came out of his bedroom holding a tartan bow tie. Both Anathema and Ezra looked at him like he was insane. “To make you look more respectable.” He said softly. 

“I’m about as respectable as I’m going to get.” Ezra said as he checked his hair in the mirror by the door. “Anathema, my mother is going to be there, probably at my side the entire time. I highly doubt I’ll have a chance to seduce a priest.” He rolled his eyes. 

“Just…..will you at least agree to not drink anything?” She really was genuinely worried. 

“The most they’re going to have is wine and you know how I feel about that.” He made a face and then walked over and kissed her cheek. “Anathema, trust me. It’s going to be fine.” He then turned and walked out the door. 

“It’s not going to be fine at all, is it?” Newt asked as he watched Ezra close the door. 

“Not even the tiniest bit.” Anathema shook her head. 

“Okay, this isn’t so bad.” Crowley said quietly to himself as people started to file into the room. He could handle it. All he had to do was be nice to the people that actually spoke to him and everything would be fine. And he wasn’t left on his own. He had Father Gabriel and the monsignor, and he knew a few of the nuns that were there. Mother Superior was unable to attend, something about a sick cousin. It would be great. 

“Father Crowley. It’s so nice to see you at once of these functions.” Mrs. Arbogast said as she approached. Crowley nodded and tried very hard to at least appear to be looking her in the eye. She was one of the richest members of the congregation.

“It’s nice to see you, Mrs. Arbogast.” Crowley nodded. “I had a hard time coming up with an excuse to get out of this one.” He offered an awkward wink and she laughed. Of course he’d been completely serious but she didn’t need to know that. 

“I can imagine. Well, it’s lovely to actually be able to talk to you. Perhaps we can have a longer conversation later.” She smiled and then started to head over to the monsignor. 

“Oh yes, absolutely. Lovely idea.” Crowley said, not bothering to leave the sarcasm out of his tone since she was obviously no longer paying attention to him. 

“Crowley. Come here.” Father Gabriel was motioning for him to come over. He was standing next to Mrs. Fell and the absolutely beautiful blond young man that had been absent from mass as of late. Crowley found himself actually missing him. He shook the thought away as he made his way over. 

“Yes?” He asked with a small smile. 

“Father Crowley, you know Mrs. Fell.” Father Gabriel indicated the older woman. 

“Of course. You never miss a Sunday.” Crowley managed a smile. His heart was pounding and felt like it was about to leap out of his chest any moment but he was very good at keeping a calm exterior. 

“Father Crowley, this is my son, Ezra.” She indicated the blond young man at her side. 

“It’s very nice to finally meet you, Father Crowley.” Ezra said and offered his hand. 

Crowley actually froze. That voice. It couldn’t be. This face belonged to that voice? But he looked so kind and innocent. Crowley would recognize that voice anywhere, though. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been standing there in silence but it was obviously long enough to make things awkward. He felt a nudge from Father Gabriel’s elbow. 

“I….um….” Crowley couldn’t get his mouth and his brain to cooperate. “Ngk….uh….” He then motioned over his shoulder and turned to walk away. It was one of those moments where nothing he could have done would have made the situation better. 

“Is he quite alright?” Mrs. Fell asked as she watched Crowley practically sprint out of the reception hall. 

“I’m not entirely sure….” Father Gabriel watched him as well. When the monsignor got his attention and motioned toward the vanishing priest, Father Gabriel simply shrugged. “I apologize. Father Crowley is intensely shy. He might have met his people limit for the day.” 

“Of course.” Mrs. Fell nodded, though she was frowning. Ezra stood next to his mother trying very hard to hide a smirk. 

Crowley didn’t even bother to stop in the hallway outside the reception hall. He kept going, down the hall and out the door into the courtyard. He needed air. His head was spinning and he felt like he was having a heart attack. He found one of the stone benches and took a seat, putting his head between his knees. It was one of the few things that helped. 

“Father Crowley?” Father Gabriel asked, concern evident in his tone. 

“I….I can’t…...I can’t go back in there.” Crowley managed. He was trying to take slow, deep breaths. 

“What is going on? That was very rude. Why did you react like that?” The young man had simply said hello. 

“It’s him.” Crowley was still trying to take slow breaths as he sat up. 

“Who?” Father Gabriel sat next to him on the bench. 

“Ezra…...it’s him. The…..confessions.” Crowley closed his eyes and tried to calm down. It was definitely a full blown anxiety attack. 

“The confessions…...Ezra Fell is the one with the naughty confessions?” Father Gabriel looked back over his shoulder and then at Crowley. “Oh wow….if I had known that…..” 

“What? If you had known that what would you have done?” Crowley ran his fingers through his hair as he started to calm down. 

“I’m sorry. Ezra has a bit of a reputation….I didn’t realize….” Father Gabriel sighed. 

“You know he intentionally came in to confess during my time? Were you aware of that? He waited until I had no choice but to listen to him.” Crowley took another deep breath. 

“I’m sorry.” Father Gabriel sighed. 

“And now I can’t….I mean….” Crowley got to his feet and started pacing. 

“You can’t what?” Father Gabriel asked with a raised eyebrow. Crowley shook his head. “Anthony...talk to me.” He didn't often use the man's first man. 

“I can’t stop thinking about him, okay?” Crowley stopped. “These last couple of weeks he hasn’t been coming to confession and I…...I actually missed it!” He started to pace again. “He’s in my thoughts constantly. That voice…..the things he talks about……” 

“But you didn’t realize it was Ezra…..” Father Gabriel tilted his head. 

“I didn’t know that Ezra was the one confessing, no. I hadn’t exactly been imagining that face with the actions. It was…..” Crowley stopped pacing and his shoulders slumped. “I’d made up somebody in my head.” 

“Oh.” Father Gabriel nodded. 

“But I’d seen Ezra in mass. And he really is a very attractive young man. And I just…..” Crowley sighed heavily. “Now that I know that the face goes with the voice I don’t know what I’m going to do.” 

“Right now what you’re going to do is you’re going to go and get comfortable with a book and try to get your mind off things. I’ll explain to the monsignor what happened. He’s seen your panic attacks before, he’ll understand.” Father Gabriel held up a hand when Crowley’s eyes went wide. “I won’t tell him why you had the panic attack. He probably won’t ask.” 

“Thank you.” Crowley said as he visibly relaxed. 

“If you want I will have a private conversation with Ezra about the whole confession situation.” Father Gabriel offered. He was a little surprised when Crowley shook his head. 

“I think that I need to talk to him myself. Once I get to where I can actually function like a human being around him.” Crowley made a face. 

“Alright. Now, go. I’ll take care of everything in there.” Father Gabriel smiled.

“You’re an absolute lifesaver.” Crowley nodded and then headed off to find a book that would absolutely take his mind off of everything for a while. 

“Is Father Crowley okay?” Mrs. Fell asked when Father Gabriel returned. 

“Feeling a bit under the weather, I’m afraid. He tried to tough it out for the sake of the church but it just got the better of him.” He replied. 

“Oh, that poor dear. I do hope he feels better.” Mrs. Fell smiled. 

“He wanted me to apologize on his behalf. He just hated the thought of you thinking him rude.” Father Gabriel offered that charming smile. 

“Please tell him not to worry about it.” Mrs. Fell nodded. 

“So he won’t be returning then?” Ezra asked, barely managing to hide a smirk. 

“Not tonight, no.” Father Gabriel gave Ezra a look when Mrs. Fell wasn’t looking. Ezra flashed an innocent smile. 

“Come on, mom. Let’s go get something to drink.” He offered his arm. 

“Yes, of course. It was lovely talking to you, Father Gabriel.” Mrs. Fell said before hooking her arm in Ezra’s to be led away. 

“What happened?” The monsignor asked quietly after the two had walked away. 

“Ezra broke Crowley.” Father Gabriel replied. All the monsignor could do was heavily sigh.


	9. Vacation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley decides that he needs to take a break and Ezra is a little depressed about it.

“Forgive me, father, for I have sinned. It’s been a little over a month since my last confession.” Ezra said as he settled into the booth. 

“Has it now?” Father Gabriel said from the other side. “And what have you come to confess today, my child?” 

“Father Gabriel?” Ezra asked, a bit confused. 

“I assume you were expecting Father Crowley.” It was said rather than asked. 

“Yes, I was.” Ezra cleared his throat. 

“Father Crowley is taking a break from confessions at the moment. It seems that one particular person has really gotten to him and he needs some time away for his own mental health.” Father Gabriel was trying to keep his tone even but it was difficult. 

“Oh, I see.” Ezra replied, frowning a bit. 

“Yes. That combined with his rather severe anxiety attack at the fundraiser have made it necessary for him to go away for a little while.” Father Gabriel sighed. 

“Do you know when he’ll be back?” Ezra actually sounded a bit concerned. 

“He asked that I not disclose that information. He felt he could better relax if no one was expecting him upon his return.” Father Gabriel didn’t bother to hide his tone that time. He was angry at Ezra for messing with his friend. 

“I see.” Ezra nodded. “Well, I do hope he feels better soon.” He started to leave the booth. 

“Did you need to confess any sins today, my child?” Father Gabriel asked. 

“Not today. At least, not the ones I thought I did.” Ezra sighed. He left before Father Gabriel could say anything else. 

“You’re moping.” Anathema said as she moved to sit next to Ezra on the couch. 

“I am not.” Ezra kept his eyes on the TV screen. He was half heartedly playing a video game. 

“Come on, Ezra. What’s going on? I haven’t seen you this depressed since they discontinued your favorite ice cream.” She wrapped an arm around his shoulders. Ezra put the controller down without even bothering to pause the game. 

“I think I broke a priest.” He made a face. 

“I told you it was going to cause problems.” Anathema replied. 

“Wow, super supportive of you, darling.” Ezra rolled his eyes and shifted away from her a little bit. Anathema tightened her arm around his shoulders. 

“Tell me what’s going on.” 

“I went to confession today and Father Gabriel was there. He said that Father Crowley had to ‘go away for a while’ and he wasn’t allowed to say when he was coming back.” Ezra shifted so he could rest his head on her shoulder. 

“He’s probably just taking a vacation. I’m sure it’s fine.” Anathema reached up and started to run her fingers through his hair. 

“Maybe you’re right. I just hate to think that I’m responsible for this.” He closed his eyes. 

“Ezra, I love you. You know that. You’re my best friend in the entire world and the only person that is more important to me than you is Newt.” Anathema started. 

“Yeah…..” Ezra lifted his head a little bit so he could look at her. 

“Keep that in mind when I tell you that you are probably like…..99% responsible for this.” She bit her lip. Ezra opened his mouth to protest and then just sighed, resting his head on her shoulder again. 

“You’re right. I am. Why am I such a horrible person?” He whined. 

“I’m going to blame your mother.” Anathema chuckled. Ezra just made a face, though she was probably right. 

“I think, Anthony, that we need to stop avoiding medication.” Dr. Michaels said. Crowley had been coming to see her since he turned eighteen. 

“The last time we tried that it made me feel weird.” Anthony made a face. He’d had some rather manic episodes on the meds when they were first prescribed. And he’d had trouble concentrating. 

“Medicine has come a long way in the last few years. There are new medications now.” She got up and went to her desk to grab her prescription pad. 

“I’ve been managing for a few years without medication….” Crowley started. 

“You have. But things have gotten worse recently, you said so yourself.” Dr. Michaels sat back down and started to write. “This isn’t something that you’ll take on a regular basis. It’s only as needed. And it’s also an antihistamine so it’ll help with your seasonal allergies.” She tried to make a joke but Crowley didn’t laugh. 

“Only as needed?” Crowley tilted his head. 

“Yes. It’s for anxiety. You take one when you feel a particularly bad attack coming on. It’ll help.” She finished writing and held the paper out to Crowley. He took it and looked down at the prescription. “As needed” was clearly written. 

“Okay. As long as it’s just when I need it and not all the time.” Maybe he wouldn’t have too many side effects that way. He folded the paper and put it in his pocket. 

“Now, tell me why you’ve decided to go on this little vacation.” Dr. Michaels put the prescription pad down and picked up Crowley’s file, ready to take notes. 

“It’s…...a bit complicated.” He said with a heavy sigh before he started telling her about Ezra Fell.


	10. A conversation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ezra and Crowley sit down and have a talk.

During the time that Father Crowley was gone, Ezra did actually continue to go to church. And he did legitimately go to confession a couple of times. He was honest with Father Gabriel about his original intentions and wasn’t at all surprised when the priest got mad at him. He’d even agreed to volunteer in the homeless shelter at least twice a month as penance. It had been a month since anyone had heard from Father Crowley. 

“Having a conscience sucks.” He said to Anathema with a little chuckle one evening. 

“This has just proven that you do actually have one.” Newt said with a shrug which caused Ezra to throw a pillow at his head. “Hey!” 

“They are called throw pillows….” Ezra said with a shrug. Both Anathema and Newt rolled their eyes at him. The three of them were surprised when there was a knock at the door. 

“Were you expecting anyone?” Newt asked. Both Anathema and Ezra shook their heads. Looking between the two men, Anathema rolled her eyes and got to her feet. 

“I’ll get it.” She said sarcastically before going to the door and opening it. “Father Crowley……” She blinked a few times. 

“No collar today. You can just call me Anthony.” He smiled a little. He was standing there in a t-shirt and jeans with a leather jacket over it. 

“I’m not sure I actually can…..” Anathema replied. Crowley just smiled. 

“Is….Ezra here?” He tried to look over Anathema’s shoulder into the apartment. 

“Yes. Oh! I’m being so rude. Please, come in.” She stepped aside so that he could enter. 

“Thank you.” Crowley nodded. 

“Can I get you anything?” She asked as she started to walk him toward the living room. 

“Just some water, thank you.” His mouth was a little dry suddenly. 

“Ezra, you have a guest.” Anathema said before going to the kitchen to get a bottle of water. Crowley walked into the living room and saw Ezra and his friend sitting on the couch. 

“A guest? Who?” Ezra looked up and then immediately got to his feet. “Father Crowley….” 

“Anthony, please.” Crowley smiled softly, his hands shoved into his jacket pockets. 

“Anthony….” Ezra nodded. “Please, take a seat….” He motioned toward the couch. 

“Thank you.” Crowley nodded and took the offered seat. He thanked Anathema when she brought in the bottle of water and laughed slightly when she grabbed Newt and practically dragged him out of the room. “I’m sure you’ll be filling them in later.” Crowley said to Ezra. 

“They’ll probably be eavesdropping.” Ezra shrugged and sat down next to Crowley. “You’re looking very…...casual today.” 

“I wanted to talk to you and I didn’t want it to be weird.” Crowley started to pick at the label on the bottle of water. “Your mother gave me your address…” 

“I was about to ask…” Ezra nodded. “So um…..what’s up?” 

“The first thing I need to explain is that I am very heavily medicated right now.” Crowley chuckled. “I have….crippling anxiety that makes it extremely difficult to talk to people but I also have a great psychiatrist who gave me this new medication and…..yeah.” He stopped talking and took a drink of water. 

“Okay….” Ezra wasn’t sure how to react. 

“It just means that depending on how this conversation goes, I might forget little things. Unimportant details. But still.” Crowley cleared his throat. 

“Depending how it goes?” Ezra smiled and raised an eyebrow. 

“Well, if the conversation is a disaster then I will remember every bit of it in excruciating detail because….you know….anxiety.” He shrugged. 

“Ah, gotcha.” He’d been there to some extent with a few conversations in his life. “So what did you want to talk about?” 

“I have led a very sheltered life.” Crowley started. “A lot of that is my own doing. I just didn’t socialize with people. But I was left at the church when I was four. Raised in the orphanage. Went to Catholic schools. The only thing I knew about sex was taught by nuns or read in books.” 

“Oh.” Ezra said softly. He felt suddenly very guilty. 

“I’m twenty six years old and I haven’t even ever kissed anyone and then you came into the confessional and started telling me about all those…..things.” Crowley sighed and looked down at the bottle of water. “It kind of….messed with me.” He lifted his head and looked Ezra in the eye. Those beautiful, bright blue eyes. “And I know that’s what you were doing. That you were messing with me.” 

“Sadly, I can’t deny that.” Ezra made a face. 

“I have spent my entire life in the church and then you came in there and started telling me about things that I hadn’t even dreamt of before…..it’s caused some problems.” 

“I really am very sorry, Anthony. That wasn’t my intention. It was just supposed to be a bit of fun….” Ezra started to pick at a spot on his pants. 

“I need you to do me a favor.” Crowley said. He set the water bottle down and shifted so he could look at Ezra better. “Stop coming to confession. At least, stop coming just to brag about what you’ve done or who you’ve been with.” 

“I can do that.” Ezra nodded. 

“If you want to talk to me…..or to get to know me…..just ask.” Crowley ran his fingers through his hair. “We can talk. Just like a couple of friends. And I promise the more we do that the less medication I’m going to need.” He said with a chuckle. 

“You still want to talk to me?” Ezra raised an eyebrow. 

“Ezra…..I feel like you need it. Like maybe you need someone in your life that isn’t going to judge you or make comments. Someone that’s just willing to listen to what you have to say and maybe offer a little bit of advice. I’m willing to be that person.” Crowley said with a smile. Ezra looked toward the room where Anathema and Newt were. Yes, he loved his friends dearly but sometimes they didn’t really get it. 

“I’d really like that.” Ezra nodded. 

“Good. Because I really do want to get to know you. As a friend.” Crowley felt the need to add that last part. It wasn’t entirely true but he had to make sure that boundary was set. They sat in silence for a moment. 

“You’ve really never even kissed anyone?” Ezra raised an eyebrow. 

“Not once.” Crowley said with a sigh. “I didn’t see a point. I made the decision to be a priest when I was like….twelve. Why should I bother trying to experience something that wasn’t going to be a part of my life?” He shrugged. 

“Wow.” Ezra nodded. He couldn’t imagine it. 

“I need to get going. This medication has a tendency to knock me on my ass after a while so I gotta get home before I pass out.” Crowley said with a chuckle as he got to his feet. Ezra stood as well and started to walk him to the door. 

“I’ll see you soon.” Ezra said with a small smile. 

“Looking forward to it.” Crowley said, returning the smile. He turned and started to leave. 

“Anthony?” Ezra started. 

“Yes?” Crowley asked as he turned. His eyes went wide when Ezra grabbed his cheeks and pulled him into a kiss. It was a relatively chaste kiss and it took a second for Crowley to relax into it. The kiss lingered for just a moment before Ezra pulled away. 

“Everybody should have at least one kiss in their life.” Ezra smiled. He wondered if that would be the only kiss they shared, even though he knew it probably would be. 

“I….Ngk…..yes. Thank you?” Crowley furrowed his brow. He wasn’t sure how to handle it. 

“No problem at all." Ezra said. Crowley nodded once more and then left. 

That night as Crowley lay in bed thinking about the events of the day and the conversation with Ezra, he couldn’t get that kiss out of his mind. It had been both shocking and wonderful. He had to put that memory away, though, because he was already starting to miss something he knew he couldn’t have.


	11. Spending time together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley goes with Ezra to the shelter and they learn a little more about each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am leading up to something but I need to put a bit more time into the story before I can do what I'm leading up to. It will be absolutely worth it, though, I promise.

Ezra opened the door to the church and was a little surprised to see Father Gabriel standing there with his arms crossed. Had he always been that broad? 

“Hello, Father Gabriel.” Ezra smiled. 

“How can I help you today?” Father Gabriel asked. 

“I’m here to see Father Crowley.” Ezra answered. He suddenly felt very small. 

“Are you now?” Father Gabriel asked with a raised eyebrow. Before either of them could say anything, Crowley came walking up. 

“I appreciate the protectiveness, Father Gabriel, but I’m going with Ezra to the shelter today.” He offered a small smile. 

“So you’ve had that talk?” Father Gabriel turned to Crowley. 

“Yes. It was very productive.” Crowley nodded. Father Gabriel returned the nod and then walked away. “I’m so sorry.” Crowley said to Ezra. “I completely lost track of time. I need to go get changed. Do you want to wait here or do you want to come back to the rectory?” 

Ezra smirked and raised an eyebrow. "The rectory?" 

“It’s the house behind the church where the monsignor and I live.” Crowley said with a laugh. 

“I’m allowed in there?” Ezra asked. 

“As my guest, yes you are.” Crowley nodded and motioned for Ezra to follow him. They cut through the church and went out the back to a house standing on an adjacent property. 

“I didn’t even realize this belonged to the church.” Ezra said as Crowley held the door open for him. 

“This whole property does.” Crowley nodded. “Normally just the monsignor would live here but they made an exception in my case.” 

“You didn’t want your own place to live?” Ezra asked. He wasn’t really paying attention to his surroundings as he followed Crowley through the house. 

“It was recommended that I not live on my own.” Crowley cleared his throat. He didn’t want to go into more details than that. Ezra certainly wasn't going to push. When they got to a set of stairs, Crowley started to go up. 

“Should I wait down here?” Ezra asked, finally looking around. 

“That’s entirely up to you.” Crowley said with a shrug and kept walking. Ezra paused for a moment and then followed Crowley up the stairs. He left the door to his bedroom open as he started to get changed. Ezra stepped into the room and looked around. 

“You don’t have much in the way of decoration.” He commented. There weren’t any pictures anywhere. Crowley just shrugged as he slipped his collar off and then started to unbutton his shirt. 

“There’s not a whole lot that I felt the need to put on my walls.” He walked over and pulled the curtains closed, then walked over to the lamp by the bed. “There are these, though.” He turned the lamp off and when Ezra’s eyes adjusted he noticed the glow in the dark stars all over the ceiling. “I put them up there when I was fifteen and never bothered to take them down.” 

“That’s pretty cool.” Ezra noticed that the stars were accurate depictions of different constellations. Crowley turned the light back on and opened the curtains once again before going back to getting changed. Ezra walked over and sat down on the edge of the bed. 

“You really didn’t have any family growing up?” He asked as he watched Crowley undress. He had to remind himself that their relationship was strictly platonic. Ezra frowned when Crowley shook his head. 

“Other than Mother Superior and the monsignor, not really.” He shrugged. “Although Father Gabriel has recently taken on the role of big brother apparently.” He rolled his eyes. 

“I noticed that.” Ezra laughed. “He does realize that you’re twenty six, right?” 

“He’s more than ten years my senior so I’m still a kid in his eyes.” Crowley made a face. It didn’t take him long to get changed into a long sleeved t-shirt and some jeans, grabbing a hoodie from the closet before motioning for them to go out the door. 

“Is this really all that you do when you’re here?” Ezra asked a little while later as he sat at a desk in the center of a room that functioned as a library at the shelter. 

“Minimal social interaction and I like keeping things orderly.” Crowley said with a nod. It usually took him a few hours to rearrange the books when he was able to get by. No one else bothered. 

“I guess it has its advantages.” Ezra smiled. 

“You know, you’ve never told me what you do for a living.” Crowley stated as he kept rearranging the books. 

“You’re going to laugh.” Ezra made a face. 

“I promise I won’t.” Crowley stopped what he was doing and looked at Ezra. 

“I help run a bookshop while working on my PhD in library sciences.” Ezra replied, blushing a little bit. Crowley just stared at him for a moment. 

“You’re going to be a professional librarian?” He asked. 

“That’s the plan, yes. I want to run a library one day.” Ezra ran his fingers through his hair. He frowned when Crowley laughed. “You said you wouldn’t…..” 

“Oh, Ezra.” Crowley shook his head. “I’m not laughing at you. I’m laughing at the fact that before the monsignor started making me take confessions, I was in charge of the church’s library. I was, in effect, a professional librarian.” 

“So we basically have the same job?” Ezra asked, shaking his head. “Okay, that is hilarious.” 

“Of course, if he hadn’t started making me take confessions I’d still be locked away in that library.” Crowley said. He quietly thought to himself that he wouldn’t have met Ezra. 

“Well, then I’m glad he didn’t let you stay locked away.” Ezra smiled at Crowley which caused him to blush. He got up and walked over to start helping Crowley rearrange the books. 

When they were finally done, Ezra was putting the last of the books on the shelf and his stomach started to growl loudly. He blushed and cleared his throat. 

“Guess I’m hungry.” He said with a laugh. 

“We can get some dinner on the way back to the church. There’s a really great restaurant nearby.” Crowley nodded. He was getting a bit hungry himself. The restaurant was a little café about halfway between the shelter and the church. They ordered their food and then took a seat at one of the tables. 

“Can I ask you something?” Ezra was picking at a spot on the table. 

“You can ask me anything you want.” Crowley replied. He wanted to be an open book. 

“Have you ever had any friends?” Ezra was afraid to look up at Crowley. There was a long pause and then Crowley shook his head. 

“Not really, no. It was too hard to make friends and then just watch them get adopted. It was easier to keep to myself. Nobody ever stayed in touch when they left.” Crowley ran his fingers through his hair and sighed a bit. “Father Gabriel is the closest thing I’ve had to a friend.” 

“When we talked, you offered to be someone that I can talk to without judgement or comment. Someone that will listen when I need it and offer advice if asked.” Ezra finally met Crowley’s eyes. 

“Yes. And I meant absolutely every word. No matter what, I’ll always be here.” Crowley smiled. 

“I want to make the same offer. To be there for you. Friendship isn’t a one way street. If you ever need someone to talk to just call me.” Ezra smiled. “I’ll give you my work schedule so you don’t call me at work but you can always just leave me a message and I’ll call you back when I can.” 

“I would really like that. Thank you.” Crowley nodded. “It…..means a lot.” 

“Of course.” Ezra reached across the table and patted Crowley’s arm. “What are friends for?” Soon after the food was delivered. They talked about trivial things as they ate and then Ezra walked Crowley home. Both men seemed to feel a lot better about the way things were going when they parted ways.


	12. Holidays and anniversaries.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Celebrating holidays and one particular anniversary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is mainly to show the passage of time.

“So, what are your plans for Christmas?” Ezra asked as the two of them worked on the dishes in the shelter kitchen. The young man that usually did the dishes was out sick that day. 

“Oh, I don’t know.” Crowley said with a shrug. “Christmas Eve service, then there’s midnight mass….oh and the Christmas day service…” He replied with a grin. 

“Okay, I get it.” Ezra said with a laugh. 

“What about you?” Crowley looked at Ezra for a moment before looking back at the dishes. 

“I actually have to go to Scotland to visit my grandparents.” He sighed softly. 

“Not your desired plans?” Crowley asked with a raised eyebrow. 

“Let’s just say they’ll be extremely pleased to find out I have befriended a priest.” Ezra replied with a grin. 

“Glad to be of service.” Crowley gave a little bow and the two of them laughed. 

“We are having a small get together at the flat for New Year’s Eve, though, if you’d like to come…” Ezra started. Crowley sighed softly. 

“You really aren’t a very good Catholic, are you?” He asked and Ezra stuck his tongue out at him. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“Solemnity of Mary? Holy day of obligation? Ever heard of it?” Crowley tilted his head and smirked a little. 

“Oh yeah…….I forgot about that.” Ezra frowned. “So you can’t stay up late the night before?” 

“The monsignor likes to be up at 5am to begin preparations and, of course, I have to help out.” Crowley rolled his eyes. He didn’t mind helping, it was the being awake at 5am that bothered him. 

“Ah, yeah. That puts a damper on staying up late.” Ezra nodded. “So I guess the next time I’ll see you is when we come to the shelter again…” 

“That doesn’t have to be the next time. We can socialize outside of major holidays and shelter work.” Crowley chuckled. 

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” Ezra smiled. There was a little voice in the back of his head that was mildly concerned about the fact that he seemed upset at the idea of not seeing Crowley. 

“You’re not going out for Valentine’s Day?” Anathema asked as she was working on the dinner she’d planned for herself and Newt. 

“I don’t see a point.” Ezra shrugged. 

“You always go to a club and pick up some lonely soul who doesn’t have a date. Sometimes more than one. It’s one of your biggest get laid days.” Anathema looked at him. 

“I just don’t feel like it this year.” Ezra shrugged. 

“This doesn’t have anything to do with Father Crowley, does it?” She asked with a raised eyebrow. 

“Why would this have anything to do with him?” Ezra rolled his eyes. 

“Ezra, darling. When was the last time you actually got laid?” Anathema went back to cooking. 

“I don’t know, a little while.” Ezra replied with a shrug. 

“Four months and three days.” Newt said as he came into the living room. “At least, that’s the last time you kept me awake. 

“Four months?” Ezra furrowed his brow. That couldn’t be right, could it? 

“Unless you were going somewhere other than your bedroom to have sex.” Newt said. 

“I think you’re falling in love with a priest, Ezra.” Anathema smirked. 

“I am not falling in love with a priest. I don’t fall in love.” Ezra made a face. 

“Not since Abigail.” Newt replied and Anathema smacked his arm. 

“Abigail doesn’t count.” Ezra glared at Newt. He got up and grabbed a cup of tea, looking at the two of them. “Enjoy your evening, you two. Maybe this year you can keep me awake.” He winked and then headed to his room. 

“Why did you mention Abigail?” Anathema smacked his arm one more time. Newt rubbed where she hit him and just shrugged, not saying anything else. 

Ezra sat quietly in the back of the church during the Easter service. It was one that he usually attended, whether or not his mother went with him. It made him feel like a good Catholic to be there on that particular holiday. Of course he had a much better reason to attend the service this particular year. 

Ezra was actually glad to see that the medication that Crowley had started taking was helping quite a bit. He’d participated in the service rather than just sitting quietly like he usually did. It was a very short participation but it was progress and Ezra found himself very proud of his friend. When the service was over, Ezra made his way up to the front. 

“I’m really glad you made it.” Crowley said, giving Ezra a smile. 

“You did a wonderful job.” Ezra grinned and Crowley blushed. 

“Thank you.” Crowley nodded. He noticed that Ezra was holding something behind his back. “What is that?” He raised an eyebrow. 

“This?” Ezra pulled a wrapped package out from behind his back. “This is nothing.” He shook his head. It was wrapped in white paper that said “Felix Natalis” all over it in different colored text. 

“Why does that say happy birthday in Latin?” Crowley asked, laughing softly. 

“Because you’re the only person I know that would appreciate this paper.” Ezra laughed. “I found it years ago at some random book store and I think I was drunk when I bought it. I remembered that I had it when I bought you a gift so…..” Ezra shrugged. “And since your birthday is tomorrow I figured why not?” 

“I don’t remember ever telling you when my birthday is….” Crowley raised an eyebrow. 

“You didn’t, but Father Gabriel did.” Ezra smiled and held out the gift. “Happy Birthday.” 

“Thank you. I'll have to remember to smack Father Gabriel later.” Crowley said as he took the gift. He very neatly unwrapped it, wanting to keep the paper. It was nice. When Crowley unwrapped a picture of a beautiful nebula in a silver frame he smiled. “This is….amazing.” 

“I know you like the stars and I saw that and thought of you.” Ezra shrugged. 

“It’s lovely, thank you.” Crowley nodded. He wanted to hug his friend but there were too many people around. 

“Will you be able to come by the flat later? Anathema is insisting on making you a birthday cake. It’ll just be the three of us there, Newt is out of town.” Ezra asked, scratching the back of his neck. 

“I’ll have to check but I should be able to. As far as I know nothing has been planned.” He smiled. 

“Great. Just let me know.” Ezra paused for a moment, wanting desperately to give him a kiss on the cheek before he turned to walk away. 

Ezra was happy to find that Crowley had actually been able to stop by for their little birthday party. Because his birthday was actually on a Monday and Anathema tended to work nights they had to do it on her day off. Crowley was appreciative either way. Anathema had given him a print of the night sky on the night he was born. 

“Since I didn’t know where you were born I just picked London….” She said softly. 

“I’m pretty sure I was actually born in London so thank you.” Crowley replied. It was strange not knowing if that were true. After Crowley left with the remainder of the cake, Anathema looked at Ezra. 

“You are nine million percent in love with that priest.” She crossed her arms and looked at him. 

“I’m pretty sure it’s just the whole forbidden fruit thing. I always want what I can’t have.” Ezra made a face. 

“I really hope you’re right.” Anathema nodded. She wasn’t sure what she was going to do if he actually did have it as bad as he seemed to. 

“What’s this?” Ezra asked as Crowley held out a small gift when he arrived for their shift at the shelter. 

“It’s a present.” Crowley said with a laugh. 

“I get that, but what’s it for?” Ezra raised an eyebrow. 

“Exactly one year ago today we made the decision to be friends.” Crowley grinned. 

“I…..really? Has it been a year already?” Ezra shook his head. “I didn’t get you anything….” 

“It’s alright. I really wasn’t expecting you to remember. I just have a stupidly accurate memory for dates. Especially ones that I consider to be important ones.” Crowley nodded. 

“Well, happy anniversary.” Ezra said with a grin as he took the gift. Inside the box was a small, silver keychain with Ezra’s initials. 

“I know it’s not much but I thought you would like it…..” Crowley started, looking a bit nervous. 

“It’s lovely. Thank you.” Ezra grinned. 

“I’m glad you like it.” Crowley nodded. “So, shall we get going?” He asked with a laugh. 

“Only if you let me take you out for dinner when we’re done.” Ezra wanted to do something to commemorate the anniversary. 

“I think I can agree to that.” Crowley nodded. Ezra put the keychain in his pocket and the two of them headed to the shelter.


	13. Realizations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley feels the need to get Ezra's help with something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to be real. The lead in is really weak and totally flimsy but it was the only one I could come up with.

While the medication that Crowley had been taking for his anxiety was working, it was still only prescribed as needed. If he knew that he wasn’t going to have to do much in the way of social interaction, he didn’t take it. There were also days that he thought he could handle whatever was actually going to happen that day without the medication and most of the time he was right. Things were actually starting to get better. Crowley truly believed that Ezra was at least partially responsible for that. 

Shortly after their anniversary dinner, Ezra and Crowley made the decision to have lunch together at least three times a week. It gave Crowley a chance to actually get away from the church and Ezra could talk to him about things he couldn’t with Newt and Anathema. 

Father Gabriel and the monsignor were both standing in the doorway of the church watching as Crowley walked away with Ezra to get lunch down the street. 

“You know? I’m glad he made a friend and he’s actually getting out but did it have to be Ezra?” Father Gabriel asked. The monsignor chuckled. 

“I think he’s actually been good for Ezra. He’s doing a lot more charity work and actually coming to mass almost regularly now.” He shrugged. 

“I’m still going to keep my eye on him.” Father Gabriel replied. 

“Oh, absolutely.” The monsignor nodded and they both turned and went back inside. 

Crowley looked forward to his lunches with Ezra. Even though their meetings were only a few days apart they still had stuff to catch up on. And they were still learning about each other. It was easy to talk to him and Crowley found himself laughing more often than not. He’d never had a best friend before but he was sure that Ezra filled the title perfectly. 

Ezra had texted Crowley that the bookshop was a little busier than usual so he was going to be late to the restaurant. Crowley asked if it would be better that they have lunch in the deli next to the bookshop and Ezra agreed. It would save him a lot of time. Crowley hadn’t taken his medication because he assumed he’d be able to just let Ezra know he was there and they’d be on their way. 

The book shop wasn’t just a little busier than usual. As Crowley walked in he noticed people everywhere. There were a lot of little children as well. Apparently it was the release of a new book that Crowley had never heard of. That on top of a really good sale made people come in in droves. It wasn’t that bad, though. There was still plenty of room between people. 

Crowley was in the middle of scanning a row of shelves when it started. The slow tingle of the rush of adrenaline starting in his chest. His eyes got a little spotty and he felt like he was going to pass out. He didn’t even know why it had started. He closed his eyes and took slow, deep breaths but it wasn’t working. 

“Sir, are you okay?” A woman from a little down the aisle asked. Her voice was muddled like she was talking through water. Crowley tried to wave her away but things were getting worse. He managed to get seated in the aisle with his back leaning against the bookshelf. He heard voices around him but couldn’t understand what they were saying. After what seemed like an eternity he felt hands on his cheeks. 

“Anthony? Anthony, look at me.” Ezra said as he knelt in front of him. Crowley managed to get his eyes open. “Slow, deep breaths.” Ezra started taking slow breaths as well. It took a couple of minutes before Crowley finally calmed down. “What happened?” Ezra asked. 

“Stupid anxiety.” Crowley sighed and closed his eyes again. “It just…...I don’t even know. Sometimes they just happen for no reason.” He shook his head. 

“You didn’t have your medication?” Ezra asked as he put an arm around Crowley’s shoulders. They got to their feet and he started to lead him toward an employee door. 

“I left it at home.” Crowley sighed again. “I didn’t think I would need it.” 

“It’s alright. Let’s get you some water.” Ezra led him back to the employee break room. Crowley took a seat and Ezra got him a bottle of water. 

“I feel like I’m not allowed back here.” Crowley said with a chuckle. 

“It’s fine. My boss said you could.” Ezra grinned. “She also said I could have the rest of the day off to take care of my friend.” 

“I’m sorry….” Crowley looked down at the bottle of water. 

“Don’t be sorry, Anthony. It was my idea.” He laughed and Crowley just looked at him. “I need longer than a thirty minute break from that bunch.” He motioned toward the sales floor. “Are you feeling up to getting out of here?” 

“Is there a way we can go without all the people?” Crowley asked hopefully. 

“I’m afraid there isn’t, but I’ll be right there the whole time.” Ezra smiled and Crowley nodded. After they made it out of the building, Crowley looked at Ezra. 

“Your flat is closer than the church, isn’t it?” He asked. 

“Yes, it is.” Ezra nodded. He turned to walk that way. Crowley paused for a moment, then followed him. He really didn’t want to go back to the church just yet. 

“Ezra, you’re home early…” Anathema said. “And Father Crowley is with you.” 

“Something happened at the store and I was given the rest of the day off. And Father Crowley asked if he could come here since it was closer.” Ezra replied. 

“Something…..happened?” Anathema furrowed her brow. 

“Attack.” Crowley said with a little bit of a blush and Anathema nodded. 

“That has to be horrible.” She started making him a cup of tea. 

“Fortunately Ezra was there to help calm me down.” Crowley smiled. 

“Yes, very fortunate.” She looked at Ezra and then went back to the tea, handing the cup to Crowley as soon as it was done. Crowley took a sip of his tea and then tried to hide a rather large yawn. 

“You okay?” Ezra walked over and put a hand on Crowley’s shoulder. 

“I’m fine. I just….it wears me out.” He cleared his throat before sipping his tea again. 

“Do you want to take a nap?” Ezra asked. “I have some stuff I have to do for school so you can use my bedroom for now.” 

“You wouldn’t mind? It seems kind of rude….” Crowley set the tea cup down and ran his fingers through his hair. 

“It’s not rude at all.” Ezra took Crowley’s hand and led him toward his bedroom. He pointed to a door at the end of a little hallway. “You can borrow some of my pajamas if you want. They’re in the top drawer.” 

“Thank you so much.” Crowley actually leaned in and gave Ezra a kiss on the cheek. Ezra blushed a little bit. 

“What are friends for, right?” Ezra asked. Crowley’s reply was interrupted by another yawn. He opted to stay in his own clothes but to just remove his socks and shoes and empty his pockets. It didn’t take him long to fall fast asleep. 

Crowley ended up sleeping a lot longer than he originally planned. He thought for sure that Ezra would have woken him up a while ago but they just continued to let him sleep. When his brain registered that he wasn’t alone in the bed was when he finally opened his eyes. 

“Hello.” Ezra said as he lay next to Crowley on the bed. He was lightly smoothing some of Crowley’s hair. 

“Hello.” Crowley replied with a small yawn. He rolled a little so that he could stretch before rolling back over to face Ezra. “What time is it?” 

“It’s actually almost midnight.” Ezra laughed softly. Crowley’s eyes went wide for a second and then he ran his hands over his face. 

“I apparently really needed to sleep.” Crowley said with a little chuckle. 

“You were snoring pretty soundly. Neither of us wanted to wake you.” Ezra replied. He moved his hand from Crowley’s hair to having one finger trace over his brow and down his nose before tapping the end. 

“You have a very comfortable bed.” Crowley shifted a little which put him a little bit closer to Ezra. 

“It’s one of the most expensive things I own.” Ezra chuckled. He noticed the closer proximity but didn’t say anything. He just put his hand on Crowley’s arm. 

“Wise investment.” Crowley nodded. He was quiet for a moment, just looking Ezra in the eye. “I’ve been telling myself all this time that I just imagined things but…...you did actually kiss me at one point, right?” He’d told Ezra that he was heavily medicated and might not clearly remember the events of that day. Ezra laughed. 

“Yes, I did kiss you. A little over a year ago, but I did kiss you.” Ezra nodded. “You told me you’d never kissed anyone before and I wanted to change that because…..” 

“Everybody should have at least one kiss in their life.” Crowley said along with him. He smiled softly. “I genuinely thought I’d dreamt that part.” They were both quiet again for a few seconds. 

“Would you like to know for sure? That it’s not a dream, I mean.” Ezra asked, looking at Crowley’s lips as he did. 

“You…..want to kiss me again?” Crowley asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“Very much, actually.” Ezra blushed a little bit. “For…..a while now.” He closed his eyes when Crowley just stared at him quietly. 

“Have you ever heard of Rumspringa?” Crowley asked. Ezra opened his eyes and raised an eyebrow. 

“I can’t say that I have, no.” Ezra shook his head. 

“It’s an Amish right of passage. Young people, usually teenagers, are given a time frame when the rules are relaxed. When they can go out into the real world and decide for themselves that they want to be baptized and remain in the faith.” Crowley replied. 

“Okay……” Ezra was still very confused. 

“It gives them a chance to experience what they are giving up. To know what they’re putting out of their lives forever.” Crowley looked down and cleared his throat. “To know what it feels like before saying they don’t want that in their lives.” The last bit was said softly. Ezra was pretty sure he now knew where this line of thought was going. 

“And what is your opinion on that?” He asked slowly, his hand moving up and down Crowley’s arm. 

“I think that…..experiencing something and then giving it up for your faith makes your faith a lot stronger than if you give up something you’ve never experienced.” Crowley kept his eyes down. 

“You could look at it that way, yes.” Ezra nodded. He moved his hand to lift Crowley’s chin so that the other man could look him in the eye. “Why do you bring it up?” 

“Because…..” Crowley swallowed. His heart was suddenly pounding. “I think that maybe I need my own kind of Rumspringa.” He took a deep breath and let it out. “I need to know what I’m giving up.” He cleared his throat. 

“Okay. What does that mean exactly?” Ezra kept his eyes locked on Crowley’s. He started to gently stroke the other man’s cheek with his thumb. Crowley licked his lips and took another deep breath. 

“I don’t want to be a virgin anymore.” He said matter of factly. He wanted to know what sex felt like. To experience that part of life before going back to the priesthood. 

“Are you sure about this?” Ezra moved his hand down to lay flat against Crowley’s chest. He could feel his heart racing. 

“Yes.” Crowley nodded. “Absolutely.” There was a little shake to his tone but everybody was nervous their first time, right? 

“And you want to do this with me?” Ezra licked his lips unconsciously as he watched Crowley nod. Without saying another word Ezra moved his hand back up to the back of Crowley’s head and pulled him forward into a hungry kiss. He’d actually dreamed about that moment for a while. Crowley was a little surprised at first, but he soon relaxed. He put his hand on Ezra’s waist and just enjoyed the kiss. When they broke apart they were both panting. 

“I want you to understand something.” Ezra said softly, their faces just centimeters apart. 

“Okay…….” Crowley said, though his eyes were focused on Ezra’s lips.

“You can say no at any time.” Ezra kissed him softly on the lips. “It doesn’t matter what we’re doing. If you want me to stop, just say so. I promise I will not get angry.” He smiled. 

“Okay.” Crowley nodded and kissed Ezra again. Ezra let the kiss linger as he moved his hands down and started to slowly work on getting Crowley undressed. He pushed Crowley onto his back and moved to lay on top of him. Crowley moaned as Ezra started to kiss and suck on his neck. 

“You’re gorgeous.” Ezra said as he started to kiss his way down Crowley’s chest. He took a moment to lightly graze Crowley’s nipple with his teeth and smiled at the gasp. 

“Thank you.” Was all Crowley could think to say in response. He moaned a little as Ezra’s mouth made its way further down his body. 

“Somebody’s happy to see me.” Ezra said with a sultry laugh as he undid Crowley’s trousers and pushed his underwear down. He was already completely hard. Before Crowley could react, Ezra took just the head in his mouth and started to suck. 

“Oh god…..” Crowley gasped and closed his eyes, one hand automatically going to the back of Ezra’s head. 

Ezra just kept sucking as he worked on getting Crowley’s trousers the rest of the way off. He was thoroughly enjoying the sounds that were coming out of the other man. 

“I….oh…….ugh…..” Crowley was trying to form words but it just wasn’t working. Almost without warning, he cried out as he came hard. Ezra caught as much as he could, a little dribbling down his chin before he sat up, licking his lips clean. He moved up to lay beside Crowley who was now almost completely naked. “That….I…...oh wow.” Crowley panted. 

“That was just the opening act, darling.” Ezra smiled. He put his hand on Crowley’s chest and then slowly started to move his way down. “I want you to last.” He started to kiss and suck on Crowley’s neck again. 

“I…..oh.” Crowley replied. He closed his eyes and moaned. It was all feeling pretty amazing. Ezra kept giving Crowley’s body all kinds of attention. He would lick and kiss and suck all over his skin as he made sure that all of their clothing was in a pile on the floor. It ended up taking several minutes for him to get hard again. 

“We’re going to take this a little slower.” Ezra said as he grabbed a bottle of lube before laying on top of Crowley. “Again, you can say no at any time.” 

“I trust you.” Crowley said with a smile, leaning up a bit to kiss Ezra on the cheek. Ezra smiled as he moved down and spread Crowley’s legs apart. He put a generous coating of lube on his fingers before slowly pushing two into him. Crowley gasped and arched his back a bit. That already felt amazing. He groaned slightly when the fingers were removed. 

Ezra made sure that he was fully coated before he lay back on top of Crowley. He hooked his arm behind one knee and brought it up, kissing Crowley softly on the lips. He got into position and looked Crowley in the eye. 

“Are you sure?” He asked one last time. He didn’t want either of them to regret any of it. 

“I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.” Crowley said, putting his hands on Ezra’s shoulders. Ezra nodded and kissed Crowley hard as he slowly started to push into him. Crowley’s grip on Ezra’s shoulders tightened for a bit. Ezra moved slowly, pushing in just a little at a time until he was all the way in. He lay still for a moment, just letting Crowley feel him inside him. 

“Please…..” Crowley begged as he moved a hand to the back of Ezra’s head. Ezra nodded and started to thrust, slowly at first. Crowley moaned and closed his eyes. He’d never felt anything like it. Ezra started moving a little faster. He’d dreamt of this exact thing for so long that it was starting to just take over. He knew he wasn’t going to last as long as he would have liked, but it was too much. They both managed to moan loudly in pleasure almost simultaneously. They lay together in a sweaty heap for a few minutes. 

“So, what do you think?” Ezra asked with a little laugh before shifting so that he could wrap his arms around Crowley. 

“Right now?” Crowley asked as he looked Ezra in the eye. “I think…….I might need to do that a couple of more times before my mind is made up.” He smirked. 

“A couple, huh?” Ezra grinned. Crowley nodded and then moaned when Ezra slipped his hand down and started to stroke him. They were definitely going to have fun tonight. 

“I never heard Father Crowley leave last night.” Anathema said as she was making breakfast. Ezra walked into the kitchen to get a cup of coffee. 

“That’s because Anthony didn’t leave last night.” He hid a grin behind his mug before she could see it. 

“Well, where did he sleep because I heard definite sex sounds coming from your room at like three in the morning.” Anathema kept her eyes on her cooking. Ezra was about to answer when she continued. “Come to think of it, when did you leave last night? You were still here at midnight….you couldn’t have gone to pick someone up…..” She was starting to put things together and Ezra just let her. After a moment her eyes went wide and she turned to look at him. “YOU FUCKED A PRIEST?!!?!?” 

“Keep your voice down, woman.” Ezra said with a laugh. Anthony was still sleeping, after all. Anathema walked closer. 

“Tell me you did not actually fuck a priest last night? And with me under the same roof!” She pointed a finger in his face. 

“I didn’t just fuck him, no.” Ezra shook his head. “It was…..more than that. It wasn’t just sex.” 

“But you did actually put your dick inside a man of God.” Anathema said more than asked. 

“Yes, I did.” Ezra nodded. “You can’t get past that part, can you? He’s still human, Anathema. And has human needs.” He cleared his throat.

“But…..why? Why would you do that?” She wasn’t paying attention to the fact that her food was burning. 

“He said he wanted to know what he was giving up to make sure he actually did want to.” Ezra sipped his coffee. 

“Oh, well that makes sense.” Anathema rolled her eyes. “I still can’t believe you did it. You could have told him no.” 

“But then he would have just gone and found someone that probably wouldn’t be as gentle or even care whether or not Anthony enjoyed himself.” Newt said as he walked into the kitchen. He had actually been listening from the other room. 

“Exactly.” Ezra nodded and pointed at Newt. 

“That’s the point. You get someone that makes it suck so that he doesn’t give up his life in the church!” Anathema threw her hands in the air. 

“That would indicate that I plan to give up my life in the church.” Crowley said as he walked out of Ezra’s bedroom wrapped in a blanket. Ezra walked over to Crowley and gave him a quick kiss. 

“Wait…..you don’t want to?” Anathema raised an eyebrow. 

“I thought Ezra was really good at sex….” Newt scratched his head. Crowley laughed. 

“It was very good. Phenomenal even. I can legitimately say it was the best sex I’ve ever had.” He smirked at Ezra who just chuckled. “And I’m glad that it was good. But one night of amazing sex isn’t enough to get me to give up my faith.” He kissed Ezra on the lips. “You’re not angry, are you?” 

“A little sad but not angry, no.” Ezra shook his head. “But that was the whole point, wasn’t it?” 

“And we can still be friends?” That was the main thing Crowley had been worried about. 

“I might make the occasional lewd joke now and again but yes, we can still be friends.” Ezra laughed. Anathema was just watching the two of them, shocked, and Newt happily munched on some toast as he watched them. Everything was interrupted when the smoke alarm went off because of Anathema’s now charcoal breakfast.


	14. Reactions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This starts the day after their night together. Some thoughts were had and some decisions were made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a short chapter this time but it's leading up to something.

“Father Crowley, could I talk to you for a moment?” Father Gabriel asked as he motioned to an empty room off to the side. Crowley raised an eyebrow but nodded and followed Father Gabriel into the room. 

“What’s up?” Crowley asked. 

“I was wondering if perhaps you might have something you need to….get off your chest. Maybe a confession….” He crossed his arms and looked at the younger man. 

“I’m not really sure why you would think that….” Crowley furrowed his brow. 

“Your collar doesn’t quite cover the hickey.” Father Gabriel said as he pointed to the right side of Crowley's neck. 

“I….oh.” Crowley blushed as he put his hand to his neck. “I thought it did.” 

“So, as I was saying…..” Father Gabriel raised an eyebrow again. 

“It’s my understanding, Father Gabriel, that one is meant only to confess things that make them feel guilty. Unburden the soul and all that.” Crowley crossed his arms as well. 

“That is usually the case, yes.” Father Gabriel nodded. “So you’re saying you don’t regret your actions?” 

“Not in the slightest.” Crowley grinned. “Though I do regret not having done it earlier in my life, I don’t regret doing it now.” 

“And it would be exactly…..” Father Gabriel wanted to make sure they were on the same page. 

“Sex.” Crowley said matter of factly. He laughed a little when Father Gabriel’s eyes went wide. 

“I thought maybe you made out with someone not….” He shook his head. 

“I truly believe that giving up sex wasn’t really a challenge at all since I had never had sex before. It didn’t test my devotion to God. Now that I know that it is…..amazing.” Crowley smirked a little. “The fact that I am still willing to give it up in service to the church makes the sacrifice mean that much more.” 

“Am I allowed to ask who?” Father Gabriel tilted his head. 

“No, you are not.” Crowley chuckled. 

“But you do plan to continue in the priesthood. You don’t want to…..keep doing it?” Father Gabriel furrowed his brow. 

“I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to keep doing it. Like I said, it was amazing. But, I made a commitment to the church and to God and I plan to keep that commitment.” Crowley nodded. 

“You surprise me, Father Crowley. In a good way.” Father Gabriel replied. “It was Ezra, wasn’t it?” 

“I’m not telling you.” Crowley laughed and shook his head. “Now, can we get back to work?” 

“Alright, fine. But I’ll figure it out.” Father Gabriel said before the two of them walked out of the room. Crowley just shook his head. 

“So, what are we going to do about this?” Anathema asked as she paced in the living room. Ezra was sitting on the couch hugging one of the throw pillows and Newt had taken an armchair. 

“Do about what?” Newt asked.

“About the Anthony situation.” She kept pacing. 

“There’s nothing to be done, Anathema. He’s made up his mind.” Ezra held onto the pillow a little tighter and sunk down into the couch. 

“You’re just going to let him go?” She stopped pacing and raised an eyebrow. 

“Anathema, are you seriously planning a way to get a priest to leave the church just to be with Ezra?” Newt asked. “You honestly believe that can happen?” 

“Look at him!” She pointed at Ezra. “He’s absolutely miserable.” 

“And it’s something that I will have to deal with on my own, Anathema. I’m not going to try to change his mind. We had sex, he still wants to be a priest, end of story.” Ezra shrugged. Anathema walked over and sat down next to Ezra. 

“You said that it was more than just sex, Ezra….” She started. 

“I haven’t felt anything like that in a really long time.” Ezra closed his eyes. “But I knew what I was getting into before anything started. It was a very slim chance that he would want to actually be with me.” 

“Oh honey.” Anathema wrapped her arm around his shoulders and hugged him. 

“So what are you going to do?” Newt said. 

“I think I’ve proven on at least one occasion that I can still be friends with someone after we fuck.” Ezra smirked as he looked at Newt and then laughed when the man blushed. 

“Not when there are feelings involved.” Anathema said with a sigh. 

“I’ll find a way to deal with it.” Ezra shook his head. “I have to. Now, can we talk about something else?” 

“Absolutely. We need to clean the apartment.” Anathema said as she got to her feet. A moment later she shrieked when she was hit by two throw pillows from her roommates. 

It had been a week since their night together and Ezra had been trying very hard to put it out of his mind. He found himself dreaming about it, randomly drifting off thinking about it. If he wasn’t actively doing something, he would catch himself being wistful. He finally got the one thing he thought he could never have and it was taken away from him. And spending time with Anthony since then had been torture. Once he was off work, Ezra made his way to the rectory. 

“Can I help you?” The monsignor asked after answering the door. 

“I was wondering if I could talk to Father Crowley?” Ezra asked, looking down at his feet. 

“It’s kind of late. Is it important?” The monsignor raised an eyebrow. 

“It’s barely nine so I wouldn’t exactly call that late but yes, it is really important.” Ezra nodded. 

“Alright. You can come in.” The monsignor stepped aside and let Ezra in. Crowley was on his way down the stairs to check who was at the door when he saw Ezra. 

“Hey. What brings you by?” Crowley smiled. 

“Can we talk?” Ezra asked, finally looking up. 

“Um…..sure. Come on up.” He turned and started to go upstairs. He ignored the look from the monsignor and just led Ezra to his room. This time he shut the door after Ezra entered. 

“He’s very protective of you.” Ezra commented as he went over and sat on the edge of the bed. 

“He’s been like a father to me since I was fourteen.” Crowley replied, going to sit next to Ezra. He frowned a little when the other man scooted away a little bit. “What’s up?” 

“I need to spend a little time away from you.” Ezra said, looking down at his feet. 

“Why’s that?” Crowley asked. He was a little shocked but he tried to keep his tone even. 

“I want to keep being your friend. I really do, but right now it’s so difficult.” Ezra looked up at Crowley. “That night…..that wasn’t just sex for me. I’ve had feelings for you for a while but I was able to keep them to myself for the most part. And then that happened and……” Ezra sighed. 

“I’m so sorry, Ezra. I had no idea. I’ve always been a bit clueless when it comes to things like that.” Crowley ran his fingers through his hair. “I honestly wasn’t aware that it mattered that much….” He had seemed a bit down at their lunches but he still joked around. 

“It did. It mattered…..a lot.” Ezra sighed. “I know I can get over it, though. And we can go back to just being friends. I just need some time to myself to make that happen.” 

“I see.” Crowley nodded. “Of course. The last thing I want to do is cause you any unnecessary pain.” Crowley got to his feet. 

“Can you give me two weeks? I think I can handle this in two weeks.” Ezra nodded as he stood as well. 

“Ezra, take all the time you need.” Crowley moved closer and put a hand on Ezra’s cheek. “Don’t worry about anyone but yourself right now, okay?” He offered a small smile. Ezra reached up and put a hand over Crowley’s hand on his cheek. 

“Thank you.” He turned his face and kissed Crowley’s palm before letting the man’s hand go. “I do genuinely want to keep being your friend.” 

“I appreciate that.” Crowley nodded. He looked down for a moment and then back into Ezra’s eyes. “Would it be too much to ask if I could kiss you? One last time?” 

“That wouldn’t be too much to ask at all.” Ezra shook his head. His hands went to Crowley’s waist as the other man leaned in to kiss him lightly on the lips. The kiss lingered for just a moment before Crowley stepped back. Ezra took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Something to remember you by.” He laughed softly. 

“I mean it when I say take as much time as you need. This isn’t something that’s going to just go away overnight. And….praying might help a bit.” Crowley nodded. 

“I’ll think about that.” Ezra nodded. The two men shared a hug and then Crowley walked Ezra to the door. “I’ll call you.” Ezra said before leaving. 

“What’s that about?” The monsignor asked from the hallway. Crowley jumped slightly and then sighed. 

“He just needs a little time to himself, that’s all. I’m sure it’ll be fine.” Crowley nodded and went back up to his room. The monsignor looked upstairs and then at the door. 

“I hope so.” The monsignor said before going to his own room. He really didn’t like the idea of Crowley losing his only friend.


	15. Incidents

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ezra finally decides he's over Crowley only for disaster to strike.

It ended up being six weeks before Ezra felt like he was actually over his feelings enough to be friends with Crowley again. He’d let Anathema keep the other man up to date so that he wouldn’t worry too much. Ezra definitely didn’t want Crowley to think that he was going to be gone for good. Because of a lunch commitment that Crowley had, they decided to get dinner together. Crowley asked that Anathema come along since the two of them had gotten a little bit closer. Ezra figured having her around would help both of them a little bit. They had agreed to meet at the church and then head to dinner from there. Just as Ezra’s hand was touching the door handle, there was a strange noise from inside the church. 

“Was that…..a gunshot?” Anathema asked with a raised eyebrow. Before Ezra could reply the door got pushed open and a man plowed right into Ezra. The two of them went tumbling which caused the gun to go flying. Ezra tried to subdue the man but he managed to get away. He did manage to see the gun, though. 

While that was happening, Anathema went inside to see what was going on and make sure that everything was okay. She looked up just in time to see Crowley on his knees. One hand was holding onto one of the pews and his other hand was clutching his stomach. She just made out blood coming from between his fingers when he collapsed on the floor. 

“No no no no no!” She said as she ran over to him. Anathema gently rolled him onto his back and then pulled off her hoodie, putting pressure on the wound. “EZRA GET IN HERE!” She screamed as loud as she could. Ezra was still outside trying to see where the man went when he heard Anathema scream. He ran inside and made his way over, kneeling down beside the two of them. 

“What happened?” Ezra took over putting pressure on the wound and Anathema pulled out her phone to call for help. 

“He…..he tried to….” Crowley started and Ezra shook his head. He kept one hand on the hoodie and the other reached up to smooth Crowley’s hair from his face. 

“You relax right now, okay? We’ll worry about the details later.” He smiled. He could just register Anathema talking to the operator in the background but his attention was focused on Crowley. 

“I’m…..I’m sorry.” Crowley said before coughing. 

“Nope. No apologizing. Okay? There’s nothing to apologize for.” Ezra tried to keep a smile on his face. 

“I’m really glad I met you.” Crowley managed before coughing again. This time a little bit of blood appeared at the corner of his mouth. 

“You don’t get to do that. Not right now.” Ezra shook his head. “No saying goodbye. You’re going to be fine, you hear me?” He didn’t bother to try to stay strong after that. “You’re going to be fine.”

“They’re on their way.” Anathema said, though she was still on the line with the operator. She put the phone on speaker and set it down so she could take over putting pressure on the wound. As soon as she did, Ezra took Crowley’s hand in his. 

“You’re…..my best friend.” Crowley said with a small smile. Ezra looked at Anathema and saw that the hoodie was already almost soaked through with blood. 

“You’re my best friend.” Ezra said. “Which means you can’t go anywhere, you got it?” His voice was shaking and he couldn’t stop the tears that started rolling down his cheeks. 

“Okay….” Crowley said, though the word trailed off as his eyes closed. 

“Anthony. Anthony I need you to look at me.” Ezra said as he patted Crowley’s cheek. “Please open your eyes…” 

“Ezra, they’re here.” Anathema said as the paramedics came rushing in. She got to her feet and managed to pull Ezra out of the way. Ezra tried to keep an eye on Crowley but the police came and wanted to take a statement. 

“Can I please go now?” Ezra asked, tapping his foot and very irritated. He needed to get to the hospital. 

“Yes, you can go for now. We’ll contact you if we have any other questions.” The officer said before letting them go. 

“We need to get cleaned up, Ezra….” Anathema said as she looked at the two of them. “There’s nothing we can do at the hospital right now.” Ezra was about to argue when he looked down at himself and then nodded. Showing up looking like that wouldn’t help anyone. 

“What happened? Are you okay?” Newt asked as soon as they walked in the apartment door. Ezra just kept walking, going straight to take a shower. 

“It’s not ours.” Anathema said in response to the blood. Newt watched Ezra for a moment and then pulled Anathema into a hug. Ezra managed to hold it together just long enough to get into the shower before everything finally came crashing in. He just stood there sobbing as the water ran over his body. 

“I’m here to see Anthony Crowley.” Ezra said when he was finally able to get to the hospital. It had taken a little over an hour for him to get calmed down and cleaned up. 

“Are you family?” The nurse at reception asked. 

“Yes, he’s family.” Father Gabriel replied as he made his way up to the desk. He had two cups of tea in his hands. The nurse just nodded and Father Gabriel motioned with his head for Ezra to follow. 

“Thank you.” Ezra said as they walked. Father Gabriel nodded. 

“I’m going to be honest, Ezra, I’m not your biggest fan. But, I’ve seen a lot of positive change in him since you two became friends.” Father Gabriel looked at him a moment. “And a lot of positive change in you.” 

“How’s he doing?” Ezra suddenly felt the need to change the subject. 

“Still in surgery right now. They’re letting us know what they can.” They made their way to a waiting room and Father Gabriel handed the cups of tea to the monsignor and to Mother Superior. 

“Can you tell us what happened?” The monsignor asked Ezra. 

“I don’t know for sure. Anathema and I had just walked up when we heard the shot. Everything after that is kind of a blur…..” Ezra ran his fingers through his hair. 

“It’s a good thing you arrived when you did.” Mother Superior nodded and got to her feet, patting Ezra on the shoulder. 

“I was running a little late. If we’d gotten there on time…..” Ezra started. 

“Then you might have been shot as well.” Father Gabriel interrupted. “Don’t beat yourself up about this. If you hadn’t gotten there when you did things could have been a lot worse.” 

Ezra just nodded and took a seat. He picked at his nails as they waited. Nobody really said anything, they were all in the waiting room just sitting in silence or quietly praying. Ezra would occasionally answer messages from Anathema or Newt saying that he didn’t know anything. He always hated waiting. After what seemed like twenty years to Ezra, the doctor finally came out to talk to them. 

“The good news is that he’s going to make it.” The doctor cleared his throat. All of them visibly relaxed. All except for Ezra. 

“So what’s the bad news?” He asked. 

“He’s in a medically induced coma for the time being to give his body time to heal.” The doctor started. “We weren’t able to remove the bullet….” 

“Why not?” The monsignor interrupted. 

“It’s lodged against one of his vertebrae. We did everything we could to stop the bleeding but he’s too weak to handle the surgery necessary to actually remove the bullet.” The doctor sighed. “There’s a considerable amount of swelling in the area which might affect spinal function…..” 

“What are you saying?” Ezra asked as he crossed his arms.

“Until he’s recovered enough that we can go in and remove the bullet, he’s very likely going to be unable to walk. We won’t know the full effects until after he wakes up.” The doctor replied. 

“And when will that be?” Mother Superior asked. 

“We’re monitoring his progress right now. He’ll need to be in the coma for a minimum of a week before we can gauge anything further.” The doctor answered. “You can go see him one at a time if you’d like. I’ll need a list of approved visitors for the ICU department.” 

“Thank you, doctor.” Father Gabriel nodded. The approved visitor list was going to be very short. The four of them just stood there in the waiting room for a moment. 

“You should go in first, Mother Superior. You’ve known him the longest.” The monsignor said. Mother Superior just looked at the three men standing in front of her before shaking her head. 

“I know Anthony. He has been the closest thing to a child I’ve had since he arrived on my doorstep. So I know that he would want Ezra here to be his first visitor.” She gave him a sad smile. 

“Are you sure?” Ezra furrowed his brow. 

“I’m positive. You go sit with him. Now that we know he’s going to be okay, the monsignor and I have some things to take care of.” She cleared her throat. The monsignor nodded. 

“We’ll be back later.” He smiled. “Go sit with him, please. He doesn’t like being alone…..” 

Ezra simply nodded and then a nurse led him back to Crowley’s room. He had to take a deep breath and let it out slowly to keep his composure when he got there. To see Crowley on the bed with all those tubes and wires. He looked so much paler than usual. Ezra walked over and sat down in the chair next to the bed, taking Crowley’s hand and squeezing it gently. 

“You’re not allowed to leave me, you hear me? I know they said that you’re going to be okay but I’m scared. I need you to really be okay.” Ezra closed his eyes and for the first time in what felt like forever he started to pray. Maybe God would actually listen to him this time. 

The first thing that the monsignor did was post signs on the church doors that services would be canceled until further notice. He had made arrangements with another Catholic church so that his congregation could still attend mass. They would even provide transportation if necessary. Part of the reason for this was that the church was still a crime scene and part was because he wanted to be available to be there for Crowley no matter when. 

It didn’t take long for the story to get out. Media vans were practically parked outside the church when the police arrived. Ezra had been able to give them a rough description of the man but the key piece of evidence had been the gun. With fingerprints all over it, they were able to quickly identify the shooter. 

“Police advise everyone to be on the lookout for this man.” The news anchor said as a picture was posted on the screen. “Fingerprints found at the scene identify Joseph Hastur as the assailant. If you see him, do not approach. He may be armed.” 

It also didn’t take long for a small vigil to be set up outside the hospital. They made sure to stay out of the way of any traffic coming in or out. Some held signs hoping for a speedy recovery, others simply gathered together to pray. Ezra was actually a little shocked at the number of people that showed up, though he did assume it was just members of the church trying to show their support. 

“Hey, gorgeous.” Ezra said to Crowley as he entered the ICU room. They tried to make sure that someone was with him at all times but sometimes there were small gaps without a visitor. Ezra sat down in the chair next to the bed and took Crowley’s hand. “You’re looking better today.” He said softly. “Don’t quite blend in with the bedding anymore.” He chuckled softly. 

Ezra got himself set up with a thermos of tea so that he didn’t have to leave the room unless absolutely necessary. He pulled a book out of the bag that he’d brought with him. Along with the tea he had a tin of biscuits which he placed on the bed for his own easy access. 

“Don’t go eating all of my biscuits, okay?” Ezra chuckled a little then sighed. He really hoped that everything would be okay. Ezra opened the book to the marked page and then started to look it over. “Alright, now where were we…...ah here we go.” Ezra said before he started to read aloud. He’d been doing that during his shifts sitting with Crowley. 

The doctors decided that it would be best to keep Crowley in the coma for another week after their assessment of his healing. They wanted to make sure that he could properly heal from his injuries. Father Gabriel, Ezra, the monsignor, and Mother Superior all took shifts staying with him. Ezra was the only one that read something other than the Bible to him, though, which amused him a little bit. They all definitely prayed. 

After they took him off the drugs, it took awhile for everything to get out of his system. The doctors said that it could take as long as a few days for him to regain consciousness. Ezra had actually managed to drift off to sleep in the chair next to the bed. He still had a grip on Crowley’s hand though just barely. It took Crowley a couple of minutes of blinking to get his eyes to actually focus and he smiled when he saw Ezra. He tried to say something but all that came out was a squeak so he squeezed Ezra’s hand. Ezra shifted a bit and rubbed his eyes before he realized what was going on. 

“Hey.” He said with a relieved smile. One hand reached up to stroke Crowley’s hair as the other pushed the call button for one of the nurses. 

“Hey.” Crowley tried and it came out cracked. His throat was incredibly dry. 

“Don’t try that right now. You might hurt yourself.” Ezra said as he took Crowley’s hand again. He lightly stroked Crowley's hair as the nurse came in response to the call. 

“Great, you’re awake. I’ll go get the doctor.” The nurse said with a nod and left the room. Crowley looked at Ezra with a raised eyebrow. 

“Do you remember anything?” Ezra asked. He frowned a little when Crowley shook his head. “You were shot. They’re still looking for the guy that did it.” 

“Oh.” Crowley mouthed and sighed. Maybe his memory would come back as he recovered more. The doctor came in and asked Ezra to wait outside while they ran some tests. He looked at Crowley for a moment and then nodded. Ezra leaned down and kissed Crowley’s forehead. 

“I’ll be right outside, okay?” He smiled when Crowley nodded and then he went out to the waiting room. He immediately called Father Gabriel and the other three came up as soon as they could. They got to the hospital right as the doctor was coming out to talk to Ezra. 

“You’re all here.” The doctor nodded. “We’re going to have to run some scans to know the full extent of the damage. As of right now, he has no feeling in his legs. It does appear to only affect his legs, though.” The doctor explained. 

“So where do we go from here?” Father Gabriel asked. 

“The first thing we have to do is determine the cause. I’m almost positive that it’s the bullet but I can’t know that for sure without some scans. Once we know what’s causing the problem, we can determine if it can be fixed.” 

“But there’s a chance he could be paralyzed permanently?” Ezra asked as he wrapped his arms around himself. 

“There is a small percentage, yes, but I don’t think that’s going to be the case. I truly believe that once we remove the bullet it’s just a matter of some physical therapy before he’s back to normal again.” The doctor answered. 

“How long before he can go home?” Mother Superior asked. 

“It’s going to be a while, I’m afraid. We have to get him strong enough to remove the bullet and then he’ll need time to recover from that surgery. “ The doctor replied. 

“Thank you, doctor.” The monsignor said. 

“If you have any other questions, please feel free to ask.” The doctor nodded and then walked away. 

“All we can do now is pray that he makes a full recovery.” Father Gabriel said. 

“And that they catch the man that did it so we can find out why this even happened in the first place.” Ezra added. He wanted to do some very bad things to that man. He was still beating himself up for letting him get away.


	16. recovery and remembering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dealing with more surgery and Crowley having a very vague memory of something.

“Joseph Hastur was apprehended this morning while trying to flee the country.” The news anchor said. “Police have no comment on his motives behind the incident at this time. They have said that the ballistics from the gun found at the scene matched three other homicides over the last five years.” 

“Well, at least they caught him.” Newt said while he was cleaning up the living room. 

“Yeah. And there’s a mountain of evidence.” Anathema said. Ezra just sat quietly on the couch watching the news, though he was occasionally glancing at his phone. 

“You can go up to the hospital, you know?” Anathema commented as she walked over and sat next to Ezra. 

“They asked me not to.” Ezra sighed. “The doctor said that the surgery could take awhile and there was no point in everybody staying up there. And Father Gabriel insisted that I come home.” He ran his fingers through his hair. It’d been two weeks since Anthony regained consciousness and they were finally able to remove the bullet. 

“Why does he get to decide?” Newt asked. 

“He had to leave too. The monsignor is the only one that got to stay.” Ezra checked his phone again. “It’s been too long. Hasn’t it? I mean…..it feels like it’s been too long.” 

“You’ve only been home for about an hour, Ezra.” Anathema said as she patted his shoulder. He was going to be very difficult to live with for the next few hours. 

The monsignor sat in the waiting room reading the newspaper as he waited for the surgery to be finished. He knew that it wouldn’t be a simple one but he wanted to make sure that he was easily located in case something happened. He, of course, prayed that nothing would happen. Every now and again a nurse would come by and ask him if he needed anything. A few times he took them up on their offer of a cup of tea or coffee. He couldn’t bring himself to eat anything. He wondered if this is what parents felt when their children were in the hospital. He certainly loved Crowley like a son. The monsignor had gone through the entire newspaper and started on a book when the doctor finally came out. 

“How is he?” He asked as the doctor approached. 

“He’s in recovery right now. We were able to remove the bullet. There’s a very minor fracture of the vertebrae from the impact but it’s almost undetectable.” The doctor said. 

“And when will we know if everything is okay?” The monsignor asked. 

“That could take a little time. We’ll have to wait for the swelling to go down. Even when that happens it could take some time for sensation to return. He’s got a long road of recovery ahead of him.” There was no point in sugar coating anything. 

“And when can I see him?” He definitely wanted to sit with Crowley. 

“He’s in recovery right now. We’ll be moving him to a room when he’s awake. You can see him after that.” The doctor smiled. “He isn’t going to be in the ICU anymore so if you still want to restrict visitors to a specific list you’ll have to let the desk know.” 

“Of course, thank you doctor.” The monsignor nodded. There were a couple of names that he planned on adding to the existing list but only a couple. He made a few phone calls while he waited for Crowley to be moved to the room. 

“Have you started to remember anything?” Ezra asked as he sat in the room with Crowley a couple of days later. Up until that point the only information they had about what happened came from Hastur and he wasn’t telling much. 

“Little bits and pieces.” Crowley made a face. “I remember walking into the sanctuary and he was there. And I remember Anathema coming in. Most of the rest of it is a blur.” 

“Maybe it’ll come back.” Ezra shrugged. 

“Maybe.” Crowley reached over and took Ezra’s hand, lacing their fingers together. “I do actually remember some things from the coma.” He cleared his throat. It had been drug induced after all. 

“Do you?” Ezra found himself suddenly very nervous. He squeezed Crowley’s hand gently. 

“I remember hearing your voice. You were reading something to me.” Crowley furrowed his brow. “And something about not eating all the biscuits?” 

“Yeah.” Ezra chuckled. “I brought a tin of biscuits with me and the easiest place to put them was on the bed right by your hand. Didn’t want you stealing them.” 

“Oh, I see.” Crowley shook his head. He was quiet for a long moment. “I also remember you saying that I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere because you didn’t know if you could handle life without me.” He bit his lip and didn’t look at Ezra. 

“You heard that, huh?” Ezra blushed a bit as he cleared his throat. 

“Yeah, I did.” Crowley nodded. He kept his eyes on their linked hands. “Can I tell you something and have you not freak out?” 

“I can only promise that I will try.” Ezra replied. It really depended on what Crowley had to say. 

“I think….at some point…..I died.” Crowley said calmly as he looked up at Ezra. “And….I was briefly in Heaven.” 

“You think so?” Ezra asked, swallowing hard. He didn’t like the idea of that at all. “What happened?” It was obvious that Crowley wanted to get it off his chest, even if Ezra didn’t necessarily want to actually hear it. 

“I was in this big white room. All I could see was white. And a bright light.” Crowley closed his eyes as he thought about it. “It sounds so completely cliche.” 

“A little bit, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.” Ezra tried to be encouraging. Crowley nodded and then opened his eyes again. 

“I felt calm. And warm. And I had this feeling that everything was going to be okay.” Crowley started to gently stroke Ezra’s hand with his thumb. “I heard this voice actually inside my head that told me it wasn’t my time yet and I needed to come back. That I was needed here.” 

“Well, I can definitely agree with the voice on that one.” Ezra tried to smile but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. 

“It was weird, though. The voice didn’t say they need you.” Crowley looked down at their hands again. 

“What did it say?” Ezra raised an eyebrow. Crowley kept his eyes down for a moment before looking Ezra right in the eye. 

“It said…..he needs you.” Crowley bit his lip. 

“Oh…..” Ezra wasn’t sure what else to say. “So you think that maybe it was talking about…..” 

“You.” Crowley interrupted before Ezra could say anything else. “I got the very distinct feeling that they were talking about you.” 

“And um…..did they tell you why?” Ezra was the one looking down now. 

“That I’m going to have to do a lot of praying about.” Crowley squeezed Ezra’s hand again. “But, whatever the reason, I know that I’m still alive because you need me.” 

“Maybe don’t tell Father Gabriel that.” Ezra chuckled, trying to make light of a suddenly heavy conversation. 

“He wouldn’t be too happy to hear that, no.” Crowley nodded with a little laugh. Neither of them moved to let go of the other’s hand.


	17. Going Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley starts to improve

It started off almost accidentally. Crowley was listening to some music while he doodled on a notepad. He didn’t really consider what he did drawing because he didn’t think it was any good. Mother Superior had gone down the hall to get some tea for the both of them, and to check in with the monsignor. When she came back, she just looked at the foot of the bed. 

“Anthony…..” She said as she put the tea cups down and moved over closer to the bed. 

“Yes?” He asked as he looked up at her. He only had one earbud in so he could still talk to whoever came in. He raised an eyebrow when she pointed at his feet. He looked down and noticed that the blanket was moving a little, and then it suddenly stopped. 

“Was that?” She asked. 

“I think…..” Anthony furrowed his brow. He watched as Mother Superior lifted the blanket and rested it on his shins, exposing his feet. 

“Try moving your toes, dear.” She was silently praying as she watched. It wasn’t much but Crowley’s right big toe did twitch a bit. “I’ll go get the doctor.” She said with a smile before heading out of the room. 

“Alright, you can do this.” Crowley said as he stared down at his feet. He hadn’t actually been able to even feel his legs for the past three weeks. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, then concentrated as he tried to move his toes. That was a good start. Just the toes. Right as Mother Superior came into the room with the doctor, Crowley wiggled his toes. 

“That’s a very good start.” The doctor nodded. “And it’s a very good sign.” 

“It just kind of happened.” Crowley said with a chuckle. 

“Any sensation at all?” The doctor asked as he lightly ran a pen up the bottom of Crowley’s foot. 

“It’s kind of like my legs are asleep but without the pins and needles part. I can...kind of feel things but not completely.” He made a face. Crowley was sure he wasn’t explaining it properly. 

“That’s actually normal.” The doctor nodded. “It’s going to take some time for everything to get back into working order. Your legs and your brain haven’t been communicating in a while.” The doctor picked up Crowley’s chart and started making notes. “It’s a bit like two old friends that haven’t seen each other in a couple of decades. They’re going to need some time to get reacquainted.” 

“When can he go home, doctor?” Mother Superior asked. She’d been asking that question a lot and the doctor was nothing but patient with her. 

“We’ll need to do a couple of scans to verify that everything is healing the way it’s supposed to. And you’ll need to make sure that his home is wheelchair friendly. This isn’t something that’s going to fix itself overnight. He’s going to need a lot of physical therapy.” 

“I understand all of that, yes.” Mother Superior said. 

“Once we know exactly what we’re looking at I’d say he can probably go home by the end of the week.” The doctor smiled. He put the chart back in the holder on the wall and then left the room. 

“This is absolutely fantastic.” Mother Superior said as she went over and gave Crowley a hug. 

It had taken them a couple of days to get things rearranged at the rectory so that Crowley could have the downstairs bedroom for the time being. The monsignor joked about hating stairs but Crowley just looked at him from his wheelchair and then they both laughed. 

“Thanks for coming to help get me settled in.” Crowley said to Ezra as he moved the wheelchair over by the bed. 

“It’s no problem at all.” Ezra smiled. He went over to help Crowley but got waved away. 

“I need to see if I can do it by myself first.” Crowley said. It wasn’t his usual bed and there were a few things to help him get from the wheelchair to the bed but he wanted to try without assistance. It took a couple of tries but he finally managed it. 

“You’re only going to ask for help when you’re stuck, aren’t you?” Ezra asked with a little chuckle as he moved over to help Crowley arrange his blankets. 

“I don’t know about that.” Crowley shrugged. “Probably though.” He chuckled himself. 

“You’re a little bit ridiculous, you know that?” Ezra said as he sat on the edge of the bed. 

“Just a little bit?” Crowley asked with a raised eyebrow and they both laughed. 

“Alright. Sadly I have to get to work.” Ezra reached up and moved some hair behind Crowley’s ear. “I’m surprised you haven’t gotten a haircut this whole time.” 

“I thought I might try it long. See how it looks.” Crowley looked down for a moment. 

“Well, it looks good.” Ezra nodded. He got to his feet and without even thinking about it leaned down and kissed Crowley’s forehead. He stopped for a moment when he stood straight up. “I….um…..” 

“It’s alright.” Crowley nodded. “Go to work and I’ll see you later, okay?” He didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. 

“Right. I’ll see you later.” Ezra nodded and then turned to leave. After he was sure Ezra was gone, Crowley reached up and lightly touched where Ezra had kissed him. 

“So, won’t be too long until you’re running around the church again, huh?” Father Gabriel asked as he walked into Crowley’s room with a tray. There were sandwiches and tea and biscuits. 

“Not too long, no.” Crowley answered as he shifted to sit up a little more. 

“A lot of people have been praying for you.” Father Gabriel said. He set the tray down on the bed and handed one of the plates to Crowley. 

“One thing I’ve taken away from all of this is that I am not as….insignificant and forgettable as I thought I was.” Crowley blushed a little as he looked down at his sandwich. 

“The fact that you ever thought you were at all actually breaks my heart.” Father Gabriel said honestly. 

“I guess I just always assumed that if my own parents didn’t want me, why would anybody else?” Crowley shrugged. Father Gabriel sighed. 

“We don’t know that they didn’t actually want you. We just know that they thought you’d be better off in the orphanage.” Father Gabriel hadn’t yet picked up his sandwich. He ran his fingers through his hair as he looked at Crowley. “Think about it this way. Your mother could have been like Jochebed*.”

“You’re saying she gave me up to save me?” Crowley raised an eyebrow. 

“You don’t know anything about her. You don’t know why she left you on the orphanage steps.” Father Gabriel shrugged. 

“We don’t even know that it was my mother that left me there.” Crowley pointed out. 

“That’s very true. We don’t know that. But over the time that I’ve known you I came to a realization.” Father Gabriel cleared his throat. 

“And what’s that?” Crowley asked, though he looked down at his sandwich once again. 

“Your parents had four years with you before they sent you to the orphanage. I can’t imagine anyone spending that much time with you willingly giving you away without a really good reason.” Father Gabriel smiled. Crowley cleared his throat. 

“Why are you being so nice to me? Am I dying? Did the doctor tell you something?” Crowley asked, trying to lighten the mood a bit. He was getting a little emotional. 

“Oh yes, that’s absolutely it. You figured it out. Oh no.” Father Gabriel said completely deadpan before the two of them started laughing. They made idle chatter the rest of the time that they were eating lunch together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Added 2/22 I realized that there are some people that might not know who Jochebed is. She is Moses' mother from the old testament. When the Hebrews were still enslaved the pharaoh said he was going to kill all of their infant sons so they couldn't grow up and resist the Egyptians so Jochebed made a water proof basket and put Moses in the Nile in the hopes that he would be found by a family that would take care of him.


	18. Nightmares and remedies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley has a nightmare and calls Ezra.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about this one being so short. Work has been a little weird lately because of the crazy weather and my sleep schedule is all messed up.

Anthony 206am: You awake?   
Ezra 215am: Just got out of the shower, what’s up?   
Anthony 216am: What were you doing in the shower at 2am?   
Ezra 217am: Just got home from the gym.   
Anthony 218am: Oh okay.   
Ezra 219am: What’s up?   
Anthony 225am: Can I call?   
Ezra 226am: Sure. 

Even though Ezra knew that Anthony was about to call he still jumped slightly when his phone started to vibrate in his hand. He chuckled softly before answering the phone. 

“Hey.” He said softly. 

“Hey.” Anthony replied. 

“Is everything okay?” Ezra didn’t try to hide the concern in his voice. Crowley was quiet for a moment and then sighed heavily. 

“It’s going to sound stupid.” Crowley shifted the phone to his other ear. 

“I’m willing to bet money it won’t.” Ezra replied. Of course he was sure that Crowley wouldn’t have asked to call if he hadn’t needed to talk about something. 

“I had a nightmare.” Crowley replied, sighing once again. “I managed to not wake the monsignor but I couldn’t get back to sleep.” 

“Is it something you want to talk about?” Ezra asked. He walked over and sat down on his bed. 

“It’s really weird.” Crowley answered. “I think it’s my brain’s way of trying to process what happened but it won’t actually remember, just kind of fills in the gaps with symbolism.” 

“What’s the dream about?” Ezra questioned as he moved to lay down on his bed. 

“I’m in the church. Lighting candles I think. I can’t really tell what I’m doing but then I hear this noise behind me. I can’t see anything at first, just shadows out of the corner of my eye. And then there’s this demon that just appears out of nowhere.” Crowley closed his eyes as he thought about the dream. “He says something that I don’t understand and then shoves a clawed fist into my gut and that’s usually when I wake up.” 

“Usually?” Ezra raised an eyebrow even though Crowley couldn’t see him. 

“It’s kind of been recurring pretty much since I woke up.” Crowley cleared his throat. 

“And you haven’t told anybody about it before now?” Ezra asked. 

“I can usually handle it. Just take a couple of deep breaths and then I’m fine. Tonight it was worse. It felt so much more real and ….” He paused for a moment. “I actually felt the pain in my gut when I woke up.” 

“Maybe you should go to the hospital…..” Ezra started. 

“It went away pretty quickly. I don’t think anything’s wrong, it was just a really strong reaction to the dream.” Crowley replied. 

“This is going to sound a little ridiculous but I have an almost sure fire way of dealing with nightmares.” Ezra said softly. 

“What’s that?” Crowley asked. 

“Do you promise not to laugh when I tell you?” Ezra asked as he shifted on his bed again. 

“I can’t make that promise, no. But I can promise to try not to laugh.” Crowley replied. 

“I’ll take it.” Ezra chuckled. “Alright. So ever since I was a little kid, the way I deal with nightmares is I sing Jesus Loves Me in my head until I fall asleep.” 

“Really?” Crowley asked. 

“Yeah. I know it’s stupid….” Ezra started. 

“No, that’s not stupid at all.” Crowley interrupted him. “It’s actually really sweet.” 

“Sometimes if I’ve watched something scary or I just feel like the conditions are right for a nightmare to brew, I sing it before I even go to bed. It works pretty much every time.” Ezra said. 

“I’ll have to give that a try.” Crowley replied. He yawned soon after. 

“You should try to get some sleep.” Ezra commented. “It’s way past your bedtime.” 

“Ha ha.” Crowley rolled his eyes and then yawned again. “Okay, maybe you’re right.” He chuckled.

“I’m always right.” Ezra answered with a smirk. “I’ll call you in the morning. Maybe we can get lunch together.” 

“I’d really like that.” Crowley said. Ezra could almost hear the smile on his face. 

“Sleep well, Anthony.” Ezra said with a little grin. 

“You too, Ezra.” Crowley said before hanging up the phone. Ezra sighed as he set his phone down on the nightstand. He very clearly wasn’t actually over his feelings for the young priest.


	19. More realizations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley has been doing a lot of thinking and praying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is brought to you by a very slow night at work lol.

“You’re progressing very well.” Donna said as they were finishing up the most recent physical therapy appointment. 

“Helps to have a good therapist.” Crowley said as he smiled at her. She chuckled and lightly slapped his arm. 

“You’ll probably be able to move to a walker sometime soon.” She made sure that he was settled in his wheelchair before getting him a bottle of water. 

“And here I thought I’d be at least 75 before I needed one of those.” Crowley chuckled as he took the bottle of water from her and took a long drink. 

“Call it a sneak preview.” Donna grinned. 

“Ready to go home?” Father Gabriel asked as he walked up to the two of them. 

“All ready.” Crowley smiled. Donna gave him a quick pat on the shoulder before going to meet her next patient. 

“Do you want to stop and get some food on the way home?” Father Gabriel asked. Crowley usually needed at least a snack after therapy. 

“That sounds amazing.” Crowley chuckled. He managed to get himself into the car without any problems. “Maybe some pasta?” He asked before Father Gabriel left the parking lot. 

“I can do pasta.” Father Gabriel nodded. There was a restaurant nearby that had a variety of foods and they were able to get a table pretty quickly. Father Gabriel noticed that Crowley was being a little quieter than usual. “What’s on your mind?” 

“What makes you think something’s on my mind?” Crowley asked as he continued to look over the menu. 

“You’re usually chatting away at how great your therapy session went, or some topic of conversation that Donna brought up. You haven’t been this quiet in a long time.” Father Gabriel said. 

“I….really?” Crowley tilted his head. 

“Yup. Pretty much ever since the whole Ezra situation was resolved you’ve been a chatter box until today.” Father Gabriel folded his hands on the table. 

“He has help me come out of my shell a little bit.” Crowley nodded. Though he had to admit that the medication helped as well. 

“Still haven’t answered my question.” Father Gabriel said with a smirk. 

“Oh. Right. What’s on my mind.” Crowley shrugged. “Just…..thinking about some stuff.” 

“Anything I might be able to help with?” Father Gabriel asked. The waiter came over and took their order. 

“I’m not sure.” Crowley frowned after the waiter left. “I’m not even exactly sure how to put it into words.” 

“Just take a deep breath and don’t overthink it.” Father Gabriel smiled. 

“That’s like telling me not to breathe.” Crowley made a face and Father Gabriel chuckled. 

“Alright, so try not to overthink it.” Father Gabriel said. Crowley closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath, letting it out. He opened his eyes and looked at Father Gabriel. 

“Do you think it’s possible to…...misinterpret God’s purpose for you?” He scratched the back of his neck. 

“Depends on what you mean.” Father Gabriel answered. “But, we are only human so it’s entirely possible to maybe not completely understand what our calling might be.” 

“So you think that it’s possible to be called to serve the church and then maybe not realizing how exactly you’re meant to do that?” Crowley bit his lip this time. He’d been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of praying and he still wasn’t sure. 

“Yes, I think that’s possible.” Father Gabriel waited until the waiter left after delivering their drinks before he looked Crowley in the eye. “Are you doubting your call to be a priest?” 

“I don’t know if I’m doubting it as such.” Crowley sighed and sipped from the glass of water he’d ordered. “I’m just…..not completely sure that I made the right decision. But that’s exactly what doubting is, isn’t it?” He sighed. 

“So what brought this on? Just a few months ago you were absolutely certain that you were meant to be a priest.” Father Gabriel started to play with his napkin. 

“I just…..” Crowley cleared his throat. “WIth everything that’s happened it’s kind of made me think about things. About my life.” He shrugged a little. 

“Near death experiences in someone so young has a tendency to do that.” Father Gabriel nodded. “Sometimes in old people, too.” 

“You don’t think it’s wrong that I’m doubting things?” Crowley asked. 

“I think it’s perfectly natural under the circumstances.” Father Gabriel replied. “And I would be absolutely worried about you if you weren’t.” 

“So what should I do?” Crowley ran his fingers through his hair again. 

“The only thing you can do is pray. God will tell you what you need to know.” Father Gabriel smiled. 

“And what if he already told me?” Crowley looked down at a spot on the table. “What if…..while I was in surgery…..he gave me a message?” 

“What did the message say?” Father Gabriel slowly sipped his drink. 

“That I was needed outside the church.” 

“Needed in what way?” Father Gabriel tilted his head. 

“That I don’t know. I just know that he said that someone needs me. I’ve been praying and trying to understand but I just…..” Crowley shook his head. “I’m still just as confused as before.” 

“Okay.” Father Gabriel said with a nod. “Have you talked to the monsignor about this at all?” 

“I’m kind of afraid to.” Crowley shook his head. 

“Don’t be afraid to talk to him. Yes, he sees you like a son but that doesn’t mean he can’t give you sound advice. And he’d probably be better at it than I am.” Father Gabriel said with a smile. Crowley just nodded in response as the food was placed on the table. 

“I see.” The monsignor said after Crowley explained everything to him. 

“Do you?” Crowley asked, trying to hide his annoyance. The monsignor just smiled at him. 

“You’re not the first person to come to me with this problem, Anthony. I’m also not very good at reacting to certain information.” He tried not to chuckle. 

“I’m sorry. I just….could really use some advice.” Crowley looked down and picked at a spot on his pants. 

“You don’t need to apologize.” The monsignor said. He was quiet for a moment. “You didn’t know Father Michael, did you?” 

“Doesn’t sound familiar, no.” Crowley shook his head. 

“You remind me a lot of him, actually. He was determined at a very young age to become a priest. DId everything he could. Wouldn’t even consider any other occupation.” The monsignor smiled a little. 

“What happened to him?” 

“He’d been a priest for about four years at the time that I met him. Dedicated his entire life to the church. To the choir specifically. He loved singing. It was a true passion of his.” The monsignor sipped the tea he’d made for the two of them before they started talking. “About a year after we met, he started having doubts. He knew that he was meant to be a music leader. He was gifted and wanted to share that gift. He just was starting to wonder if being a priest was fulfilling his purpose.” 

“What advice did you give him?” Crowley just assumed that advice was given. 

“I didn’t give him any advice.” The monsignor said. “But the monsignor at the time gave him some very good advice.” He shifted a little so he could put a hand on Crowley’s shoulder. “Listen to what your heart is telling you. Forget what others have said, what you think you should be doing. None of that matters. God speaks to your heart and if you truly listen to what your heart is saying, you’ll follow the path God has set for you.” 

“That is a lot easier said than done.” Crowley said with a humorless chuckle. 

“You know that I’ve been telling you since the first time that you told me you wanted to be a priest that maybe it wasn’t the right path for you. You were so determined that I didn’t want to try to change your mind because I am not the one that knows God’s plan for you. Only you and God know that.” 

“And what if my heart is telling me that I made the wrong choice?” Crowley finally met the monsignor’s eyes. 

“Then you absolutely have to listen to that.” The monsignor nodded. 

“I thought that being a priest is what God wanted for me. That I was dropped at the orphanage so that I could grow up to serve him. But it was really just a way for me to cut myself off from the world. I could be essentially alone in the priesthood. I didn’t have to worry about rejection. I could just exist and move through life without any complications.” Crowley said. 

“And what do you think now?” The monsignor asked gently. 

“Life is complicated no matter what.” Crowley shook his head. “There’s no way to avoid it.” He was quiet for a moment. “You know, that first day that I was taking confessions I was sitting there in the booth and just quietly praying. I said Lord if you truly love me, no one will come in the whole time I’m in here. About twenty seconds later, Ezra walked in the door.” Crowley chuckled and the monsignor smiled. “I thought that maybe that was God’s way of telling me I wasn’t special. At least at first. But now I realize…..he was showing me what I’m actually supposed to do with my life.” 

“That is entirely possible, yes.” The monsignor nodded. “What do you want to do now, Anthony?” 

“For right now I need to stay where I am. I need to get strong, pray some more. Figure out exactly what it is I am meant to do. And then, when I’m absolutely sure I’m ready…...I need to get out into the world. There are a lot of other ways to serve the church besides being a priest.” Crowley answered. 

“You’re absolutely right.” The monsignor said. “And I will be here to help you any way I can.”


	20. Revelations and connections

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley gets a visit from the DI working his case.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for another short chapter. Brain is starting to have trouble braining. I know where I want the story to go and there's information that I want to put into it but the two are not cooperating in my head. Hopefully the next chapter will work out to be longer.

Crowley and Ezra had just gotten back from lunch when they noticed a strange car parked out front and a strange man in a well worn trench coat standing on the front porch. Crowley was a little suspicious and Ezra put a hand on his shoulder to help remind him that he was there. 

“Can I help you?” Crowley asked as he made his way closer to the door. They’d had a ramp installed shortly before he got out of the hospital and he slowly made his way up to the porch. 

“Father Crowley?” The man asked. 

“Yes.” Crowley got closer to the front door but didn’t try to open it. He certainly wasn’t going to let some strange person have access to the house without knowing what was going on. 

“Father Crowley, I’m Detective Inspector Shadwell.” The man said as he pulled something out of his coat. He held the badge out and Ezra took it to inspect it before handing it back. 

“You’re the man working on my case…..” Crowley had heard the name but he hadn’t actually met the inspector. Other officers had taken what little statement he could give. 

“Yes, that’s correct. It’s nice to finally meet you.” Shadwell said with what looked like a forced smile. 

“Would you like to come in?” Crowley asked as he started to unlock the door. 

“Yes, thank you.” Shadwell answered. When the door was unlocked, Ezra opened it and stepped aside to let everyone in. 

“Tea?” Crowley asked, starting to head toward the kitchen. 

“Oh, no thank you.” Shadwell answered. “I’ve come to let you know that we finally apprehended the suspect. He was caught trying to flee to Europe.” 

“That’s great news.” Ezra said and patted Crowley on the shoulder. 

“Will there be a trial?” Crowley was a little worried about having to recount something he was still fuzzy on. 

“No, there’ll be no need for that.” Shadwell shook his head. “He confessed almost before we had him arrested.” 

“That’s helpful.” Crowley nodded. 

“You’re actually rather lucky, Father Crowley. Not only did he confess to attacking you, but he also confessed to a few murders that we didn’t even realize were connected all throughout the UK and Ireland.” 

“Murders?” Ezra asked, a little shocked. 

“Yes. Six total. All either vicars or priests.” Shadwell replied. “You’re actually his only surviving victim.” 

“Did he say why he did it?” It was the one question that had been bothering Crowley since he woke up and was told what happened. 

“It’s actually rather ridiculous.” Shadwell shook his head. “He claims that a frog demon possessed him and told him to do it.” 

“A frog demon?” Ezra raised an eyebrow and tried not to laugh. 

“As I said, ridiculous.” Shadwell chuckled a little. 

“He sounds like a very troubled man.” Crowley frowned. He was a little surprised to find himself actually feeling sorry for him. 

“You could say that, yes.” Shadwell replied. “But you can rest easy now because he’s going to be put away for a very long time.” 

“Thank you, Inspector.” Ezra said. 

“Of course.” Shadwell replied. “There may be a few follow up questions before this is completely over. Just to make sure all the paperwork is done properly and all that.” 

“Whatever you need, just give me a call.” Crowley smiled. Shadwell nodded and then Ezra opened the door for him. When the door was closed, Crowley looked at Ezra. “I never thought I would hear such terrifying words in my life.” 

“What’s that?” Ezra asked. They both started to head toward the kitchen. 

“Only surviving victim.” Crowley shuddered after he said it. 

“That is pretty scary. I wonder why that is?” Ezra started getting everything they needed to make some tea. Crowley just stared at him for a moment. 

“You and Anathema are why that is.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “If you hadn’t come by to pick me up for dinner…..God only knows how long I would have lain there bleeding to death before I was found.” He moved closer to Ezra and took his hand. “I owe you my life.” 

Ezra stopped what he was doing and put his other hand on Crowley’s cheek as he looked at him. He had absolutely no idea how to respond to that. He’d never saved someone’s life before. The feelings were starting to come flooding back and he had to find a way to quash them immediately. 

“I think that maybe we need something stronger than tea.” He squeezed the hand that Crowley was holding and smiled. 

“I think you’re absolutely right.” Crowley nodded before letting go of Ezra’s hand. He could tell that something wasn’t being said but he wasn’t going to push it. They spent the afternoon drinking wine and talking about nonsense. Crowley hadn’t yet told Ezra about his decision and he felt it was a good idea to keep it to himself for now.


	21. Retaliation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some serial killers don't like having surviving victims.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My brain decided we needed a little more cliché drama in the story. As of 335pm CST it has not been proofread as I have to go to work.

Crowley had recently graduated to just a single crutch to help him stay upright. He’d been working very hard with the physical therapy and was very proud of his progress. He kept the wheelchair around so that he didn’t overdo it but he really didn’t need it anymore. He decided to celebrate his latest progress by going to a movie. Ezra was at work so he just went on his own. When the movie was over, he completely forgot to turn his phone back on before heading home. He was a bit surprised and a little worried to see a police car out in front of the rectory. 

“Oh thank Heaven you’re alright.” Mother Superior said as she walked over and pulled him into a hug. She didn’t care about propriety just then. 

“What’s going on?” Crowley asked, trying not to lean too heavily on her. 

“When you didn’t answer your phone we feared the worst…..” The monsignor said as he walked over as well. 

“I went to a movie so I had it turned off….” Mother Superior finally let him go and he stood up straight, pulling his phone out of his pocket and turning it on. There were fifteen missed calls and 12 texts. “What is happening?” As he asked, a police officer came into the living room. 

“Joseph Hastur has escaped police custody.” The officer said. 

“What? How did that happen?” Crowley’s heart started pounding. 

“He had some kind of help. We’re not sure exactly. He was being transported and there was an attack on the vehicle….” The officer started. 

“So that’s why they always have that in movies.” Crowley rolled his eyes. He didn’t think anything like that actually happened. 

“Anthony, dear boy, they think that he’s going to try to come finish what he started…..” Mother Superior said. 

“Finish what he……” Crowley’s eyes went wide when it clicked what she meant. “He’s going to try to kill me.” It was said not asked. 

“That’s the theory, yes.” The police officer said. “You’re his only living victim. He’s not okay with that.” 

“Okay, so what’s the plan?” Crowley took a deep breath and let it out slowly. There had to be a plan, right? 

“You’ll have round the clock protection until we can determine where he is and capture him.” The police officer answered. 

“That’s it? I just sit and wait and see if he tries to kill me?” Crowley raised an eyebrow. 

“We are searching for him…..” The police officer replied. 

“And what about Ezra and Anathema? They’re witnesses. Is he going to go after them as well?” Crowley was starting to get angry. It didn’t seem like enough was being done. 

“We don’t believe so, no. There’s no reason to get rid of witnesses if he already confessed to murders we didn’t know he committed.” The police officer said. 

“You don’t believe so.” Crowley sighed. “I have to talk to Ezra.” He started to head for the door. 

“Anthony, you can’t go out there. It could be dangerous….” The monsignor started. 

“So you want me to just sit at home not going anywhere waiting for someone to come and try to kill me in the hope that maybe he won’t succeed and possibly he might not go after my friends next?” Crowley raised an eyebrow again. He looked between the three of them. 

“When you put it that way…..” The officer started.

“If you really want to help me, and keep me safe, you can give me a ride to Ezra’s work.” Crowley looked at the officer before he started to head out the door. Mother Superior and the monsignor looked at each other as the officer started to follow him outside. Their shy, quiet young man had definitely changed over the last few months. 

“Ezra, have you seen this?” One of Ezra’s coworkers said as she sat next to him in the break room. She pressed play on a news clip video. 

“Joseph Hastur, also known as the Clergyman Killer, has escaped police custody….” The anchorwoman started. “He was able to get away with a weapon and police are currently searching the area surrounding his escape point. If you see him, call the police.” 

“Isn’t that the guy that….” The coworker started. 

“Yeah, that’s him. Shit.” Ezra pulled out his phone and immediately called Crowley. 

“I’m actually outside the breakroom.” Crowley said as he answered the phone. Ezra immediately hung up and went out to find him standing where he said he would be and accompanied by a police officer. 

“Are you okay?” Ezra asked. 

“About as okay as can be expected.” Crowley sighed. “They want me to just sit at home and wait for them to catch him.” 

“So what are you doing here?” Ezra looked at the police officer and then at Crowley. 

“I’m worried about you and Anathema. You’re witnesses. They’re convinced that he’s not going to come after you but he’s not exactly a rational person.” Crowley reached out and took Ezra’s hand. “I don’t want you two getting hurt because of me.” 

“It wouldn’t be because of you, Anthony. It’d be because the guy’s a lunatic.” Ezra squeezed Crowley’s hand. 

“I just need to know that the two of you are safe.” Crowley looked Ezra in the eye. He knew he couldn’t hide his feelings anymore but he didn’t say anything out loud. He just kept on holding Ezra’s hand. 

“We’ll be alright, Anthony, I promise.” Ezra smiled. His heart skipped a beat when he was pretty sure he saw something more than just friendship in those beautiful green eyes but he tried not to keep his hopes up. 

“Father Crowley, we need to get going.” The police officer said. 

“You go home and be safe. I’ll come by after work. Newt can keep Anathema safe.” Ezra said. 

“Newt can?” Crowley asked with a raised eyebrow. 

“He may look like a skinny nerd but he’s a black belt in jiu jitsu.” Ezra replied. Crowley just nodded, a bit impressed. “I’ll see you later, okay?” 

“Okay. Call me if you’re going to be late or if anything changes between now and then, alright?” Crowley squeezed Ezra’s hand again. 

“I will.” Ezra nodded and squeezed back. He watched Crowley pause for a moment and then turn to leave the shop. The coworker had been standing there the whole time. 

“Too bad he’s a priest, huh?” She tried to lighten the mood. 

“You’re telling me.” Ezra shook his head, then got out his phone to text Anathema and Newt. 

“The monsignor is going to go stay with Father Gabriel for the time being. To keep him out of danger.” Crowley said after answering the phone when Ezra called after work. 

“That’s good, I guess, but doesn’t it leave you at home alone?” Ezra asked, a little worried. 

“They have police officers here to supposedly keep me safe.” Crowley rolled his eyes as he said it. 

“Alright. I’m going to stop by the apartment and get some things and then I’m coming to stay with you.” Ezra replied in a tone that left no room for argument. 

“Are you sure? It could be very dangerous?” Crowley asked, though there was little conviction in his voice. 

“I’m not going to be able to do anything unless I know you’re safe and the only way to know you’re safe is to be there.” Ezra replied. 

“Okay.” Crowley said. “Just be careful, and call me when you’re on your way.” 

“I will.” Ezra smiled a little. “It’s going to be okay, you know?” 

“As a good Catholic I have to agree with you.” Crowley said with a chuckle. Of course he’d been silently praying ever since he heard the news. 

“I’ll see you in a few minutes.” Ezra replied, chuckling as well. They ended the call and Ezra stopped by his apartment, packing a bag with about a week’s worth of clothes. Laundry could always be done if necessary. 

The police protection only managed to last for about a week before they made the decision that Hastur had fled the country and wasn’t actually coming back to finish the job. Crowley, however, had a very strong feeling that that wasn’t the case at all. He even told the monsignor to stay at Father Gabriel’s a bit longer, if it were okay with Father Gabriel. 

“Are you absolutely certain?” The monsignor asked. 

“I need to know that you are absolutely safe. Just give it a little bit longer.” Crowley replied. 

“I’ll be praying for you, my boy.” The monsignor said. 

Ezra had been sleeping on the couch in the living room while staying with Crowley. He didn’t like the idea of sleeping in the monsignor’s room, and the couch put him between the door and Crowley’s bedroom. That made him feel better, knowing that he was the first line of defense if Hastur came through the front door. On this particular night, though, he couldn’t sleep. He had all of the lights off except for a lamp on the end table by the couch. Crowley was in his room supposedly asleep and Ezra had made some tea for himself. 

“Can’t sleep?” Crowley asked from the doorway and Ezra nearly spilled his tea as he jumped. “Sorry.” 

“No, it’s alright. I just wasn’t expecting it.” He chuckled. Ezra set down the tea and shifted a little on the couch. Crowley made his way over and sat down next to Ezra. “You can’t sleep either?” 

“I’ve been trying but there’s just something that’s keeping me awake.” Crowley said with a sigh. “I just have this feeling…..” Right as he said that, the lamp by the couch suddenly turned off. The house was completely silent, devoid of any noises from the various things in the house that used electricity. 

“That’s not good.” Ezra said as he got to his feet. He looked out the window and saw that the security lights around the church were still on. “That’s very not good.” He walked over and flipped a switch on the wall to turn the lights on but got nothing. 

“Doesn’t mean anything sinister.” Crowley said more to himself than to Ezra. “It’s an old house. It could be anything…..” He got up and went over to the landline and picked it up. “Phone’s dead.” Crowley swallowed as he hung the phone back up. 

“That’s very very not good.” Ezra answered. He was in the process of pulling his phone out of his pocket when they both heard the sound of breaking glass. They stood completely still in the living room for just a moment. Crowley looked at Ezra and motioned with his head toward the bedroom. Rather than risking the crutch making any noise, Ezra walked over and helped Crowley as they quietly made their way back to his bedroom. 

“Crowley!” Hastur called after he got into the kitchen. “That’s your name, isn’t it? They showed me the file. Anthony Crowley. You managed to get away from me, Crowley.” 

“He knows my name?” Crowley whispered after Ezra very quietly shut his bedroom door. 

“Apparently.” Ezra replied. He motioned toward the closet. 

“Crowley! I know you’re in here.” Hastur said, making his way through the house. He wasn’t quiet about it at all. He was knocking things over as he went through the house, breaking lamps and tossing picture frames to the ground. 

Once they were in the closet, Ezra managed to get his phone out to call for help. 

“What is your emergency?” The operator asked. 

“We’re stuck in a closet while a serial killer is making his way through the house trying to find us.” Ezra replied in a whisper. 

“I’m sorry, sir, I can’t hear you. Can you speak up?” The operator said. 

“I really can’t. Trying not to get murdered and all that.” Ezra replied. 

“Crowley! Where are you Crowley?!” Hastur called as he continued to go through the house. They heard the distinctive sound of him going up the stairs. 

“Someone’s in your house?” The operator asked. 

“Yes. A serial killer has come to finish the job. Send help.” Ezra said. Crowley took a deep breath and let it out slowly. 

“He’s upstairs. Go, get out of the house.” Crowley said to Ezra, lightly pushing him toward the door. 

“Come on.” Ezra started to reach for him. 

“You have to go quickly. He’s not going to be up there long.” Crowley replied and opened the closet door, pushing Ezra out. “Go. Get help.” 

“I’m not leaving you.” Ezra answered, ignoring the operator on the phone for the moment. 

“You don’t have a choice, Ezra. You’ll be faster without me. Just go.” Crowley pushed him again. 

“Crowley!” Hastur called out again as he walked around upstairs. 

“I’m coming back. I’ll be quick.” Ezra said. He absolutely hated the idea of leaving Crowley there but someone had to go get help. Once he was outside he was able to speak more clearly to get help on the way. 

“Crowley, I know you’re here somewhere. Where are you?” Hastur said as he started to slowly make his way back down the stairs. Crowley closed his eyes and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. 

“You say you look out for idiots and children.” Crowley said softly, raising his eyes toward the sky. “I haven’t been a child for a long time but I’m certainly about to be an idiot.” 

“Crowley!” Hastur called again. Crowley quietly made his way out of the closet and grabbed his crutch. He moved over to stand right next to the bedroom door and silently prayed that Hastur didn’t have a gun. 

“In here!” He called as he raised the crutch like a weapon. 

Ezra was standing outside when he heard Crowley’s voice and his eyes went wide. “You need to get here now!” Ezra practically screamed into the phone. 

An evil, ugly smile spread across Hastur’s face when he heard the priest reply. Was the man ready to die? It didn’t matter. 

“Crowley.” Hastur said as he slowly opened the bedroom door. He took one step into the room and was met with the shaft of a crutch directly to his face. Crowley had swung the crutch with all of his might and hit him as hard as he could, but the force of it threw him off balance and he ended up on the floor. 

Hastur fell backwards, his hands immediately going to his face. His nose was definitely broken and probably a cheekbone as well but he was still conscious. 

“You’re going to regret that.” He said as he took a moment before getting to his feet. 

“You’re probably right.” Crowley replied as he tried to get up off the floor. He’d managed to get rolled onto his stomach to push up but Hastur came over and put a foot in the middle of his back, holding him down. 

“You’re the only one that got away.” Hastur said as he looked down at Crowley. “No one was supposed to get away.” 

“Gathered that.” Crowley said. He was trying to be strong but he was also sure his heart was going to explode out of his chest at any minute. Before either of them could say anything else, the front door burst open and Ezra came running in. He tackled Hastur, the two of them landing in a pile next to Crowley. In the struggle there was the sound of a gunshot and both of the men stopped moving. 

“Ezra….” Crowley made his way over as the other man fell beside Hastur. There was blood on his shirt but Crowley couldn’t feel where it was coming from. “Ezra?” 

“I….I’m fine….I think…” Ezra said and the two men looked over at Hastur. There was a growing blood stain on the man’s chest and he lay unconscious on the floor. The gun lay beside him. And that was when the police finally arrived. 

“Perfect timing.” Crowley said as he rolled his eyes. Ezra got to his feet and then helped Crowley up. They both went outside so that they could give their statements while police did their jobs in the room. 

“Joseph Hastur was declared dead at the scene.” The news anchor said as the report went live. Crowley and Ezra had both declined to comment to any reporters. Both were taken to the hospital to get checked out, just to be safe, and were determined to be fine. 

“So it’s over.” Ezra said as the two of them walked up to the house. 

“Finally.” Crowley nodded. “Now I just have to find somewhere to stay until my room is no longer a crime scene.” 

“You could stay with me.” Ezra offered, taking Crowley’s hand. “Save you money on a hotel room and all that.” 

“Would Newt and Anathema be okay with that?” Crowley asked. 

“Very much. You know Anathema adores you.” Ezra grinned. 

“Alright. As long as you’re sure.” Crowley nodded and went up the stairs to go pack a bag. The police had said he could go in long enough to get a few things before having to leave. 

“I’m absolutely sure.” Ezra replied with a smile. He sent a text to Anathema letting her know what was going on and then went to help Crowley pack. He had absolutely no intention of letting his friend sleep on the couch when they got there.


	22. A different kind of confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a nightmare, Crowley finally tells Ezra about his decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When trying to write a sex scene it's best to do it when you're not either distracted or interrupted regularly. This was not the advice I followed with this chapter. The advice I did follow, however, is when you actually have to start thinking about what you're going to write next it's time to take a break.

The scene played out in front of him again. Ezra tackled Hastur, the two struggled and then the gun shot. They were both still for a moment but this time, Ezra was the one that stayed still. Crowley made his way over to see the growing blood stain on Ezra’s shirt. The lifeless blue eyes pointed at the ceiling. Crowley felt the muzzle of the gun on the back of his head and that’s when he woke up. He sat up straight in the bed, panting heavily. He looked over at the other side of the bed and then relaxed when he saw Ezra sleeping next to him. Even with Ezra’s nightmare remedy, Crowley knew he wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep any time soon. He made his way into the kitchen and started to make some tea. 

“Can’t sleep?” Anathema asked, causing Crowley to let out a rather undignified squeak. 

“Nightmare.” He replied with a little bit of a chuckle at the noise he’d just made. “I didn’t wake you, did I?” 

“No, you’re good. I just always wake up around now. Usually just get a glass of water and go back to sleep.” She smiled. 

“Well, don’t let me interrupt.” Crowley gave her a little nod and went back to his tea. 

“Do you want to talk about the nightmare?” Anathema asked as she went to get a glass out of the cabinet. 

“It’s…..” Crowley took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I’m not sure you want to hear it.” 

“I’m sure it can’t be as bad as some of the nightmares that Newt has.” Anathema shrugged. “His are really freaking weird.” 

“Ah.” Crowley said as he stirred the tea. He just stared at the liquid for a moment before looking at Anathema. She could have gotten the glass of water and been gone by now but she patiently waited for him to tell her. The least he could do is take her up on her offer. 

“I keep seeing Ezra die instead of Hastur.” Crowley said softly. He took a sip of his tea. 

“That’s….horrible.” Anathema shook her head. “I’m so sorry.” She walked over and put a hand on his shoulder. “Have you talked to Ezra about it?” 

“Not yet.” Crowley shook his head. He’d only been staying with them for two days. “I’m not sure he’s even realized that I’m having nightmares. I’m actually pretty quiet when I wake up.” 

“He’s realized it.” Ezra said from the bedroom doorway as he watched the two of them. “I just assumed that you’d tell me when you were ready.” 

“How much did you hear?” Anathema asked. 

“Just the last bit.” Ezra answered and made his way into the kitchen. 

“I’ll let you two talk.” Anathema said. She walked over and gave Ezra a quick kiss on the cheek. “I’m honestly surprised you’re both fully clothed.” She whispered in his ear before heading to her bedroom. Ezra just rolled his eyes and shook his head. 

“Tea?” Crowley asked. 

“Please.” Ezra nodded and went to lean against the counter next to Crowley as he got the tea ready. “Why were you trying to hide the nightmares?” 

“I….don’t know.” Crowley said with a shrug. “I’m still a little bit in that mode of keeping things to myself.” 

“You don’t have to do that anymore.” Ezra reached over and squeezed Crowley’s shoulder before taking the offered cup of tea. 

“That’s what my therapist says.” Crowley chuckled. He sipped his own tea and watched Ezra for a moment. “It’s nice having someone other than my therapist to talk to.” 

“It can be, yeah.” Ezra nodded. Crowley set his tea down and looked at Ezra for a long moment. 

“Can we go back to the bedroom?” He looked toward Newt and Anathema’s room. While he did trust them, he didn’t necessarily want one of them interrupting. Ezra just nodded and the two of them went back into his room, sitting side by side on the bed. Ezra reached over and took Crowley’s hand, lacing their fingers together. 

“I don’t want you to ever think that I’m not here for you. Any time, doesn’t matter.” He smiled. “That’s what friends are for.” 

“And what if…...I don’t want to just be friends anymore?” Crowley looked down at their clasped hands. 

“What do you mean?” Ezra raised an eyebrow. 

“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of praying these last few months. Ever since I woke up in the hospital, honestly.” Crowley cleared his throat. “And I realized that maybe I hadn’t actually been following God’s plan for me after all.” 

“Okay……” Ezra said, looking at Crowley. His heart started to pound in his chest. 

“I know that you spent all that time trying to get over your feelings for me. Trying to make it so we could just be friends. And if you don’t want to be more than friends, I completely understand.” Crowley put his other hand on top of both of theirs. “But I decided a little while ago that I wasn’t going to be a priest anymore. That it wasn’t the right path for my life. And I have done a lot of praying. There are other ways that I can serve the church without giving up the best thing that has come into my life.” He finally looked up at Ezra. 

“I truly believe that you came into the confessional that day for a reason. That everything that’s happened since that first day has been bringing me into your life. Bringing us together. And I know beyond any doubt that I love you. I’m in love with you. And if you’ll have me…..” Before Crowley could say anything else, Ezra reached up and put a hand on his cheek pulling him into a passionate kiss. He let everything that he’d been feeling pour into the kiss. He didn’t want there to be any doubt at all that he still felt what he’d been feeling since their first night together. When the kiss finally broke, their foreheads pressed together. 

“I never got over my feelings for you, Anthony. I just got really good at hiding them.” Ezra smiled before leaning back just enough to look him in the eye. 

“I’m sorry I made you hide them for so long.” Crowley gave Ezra another tender kiss. 

“Don’t be.” Ezra smiled. “You had to do what was right for you.” Ezra leaned in and kissed him again. Crowley moved a hand to the back of Ezra’s head and held him into the kiss. It quickly changed from tender to almost desperate. Ezra wrapped his arms around Crowley and pulled him a little bit closer. They slowly lay down on the bed and Ezra rolled so that Crowley was on top of him, his hands sliding down to the other man’s ass and squeezing. Crowley let out a soft moan and shifted his hips a bit, grinding against Ezra. 

Ezra put his hands into the back of the sweatpants that Crowley had been wearing to bed. He moaned into the kiss as he continued to massage Crowley’s ass. Crowley’s hands moved down and started to tug at the hem of Ezra’s shirt. The kiss broke long enough to get the shirt off and toss it aside. Crowley pulled his own shirt off and tossed it as well, kissing Ezra and rolling them again. Ezra moved to start kissing and licking his way down from Crowley’s neck. 

Crowley closed his eyes when he felt Ezra getting close to the surgery scars. A little voice in his head told him that everything was going to stop. That Ezra was going to find him ugly. He tried to ignore the voice but it got a little louder when Ezra stopped and shifted so he could look down at Crowley. Rather than say anything, he let his fingers lightly trace over the scars before leaning down and kissing each one. He then kissed his way back up to Crowley’s lips as his hands hooked into the waistband of the sweatpants. 

“You don’t have to be afraid of them.” Ezra whispered before kissing Crowley again. Nothing was going to change the way he felt. Tears started to well up in Crowley’s eyes and he just held on to Ezra. The feelings were absolutely overwhelming. After taking just a moment to get himself together, Crowley slid his hands down Ezra’s back and pushed at the pajama pants he was wearing. Things had shifted yet again from emotional to passionate.

“I love you.” Ezra said as he slowly pushed into Crowley. Crowley moaned and spread his legs a bit more. 

“Love you, too.” Crowley replied with a smile. He wrapped his legs around Ezra’s waist and put his hands on his shoulders. Crowley couldn’t contain his moans as Ezra started to thrust slowly, almost torturously. He didn’t try to hold back his emotions as they moved together, looking into each other’s eyes. Ezra pushed up onto his hands and just kept thrusting at the same, slow pace. He didn’t want the moment to end. 

They reached orgasm almost simultaneously and Ezra just stayed there, staring down at Crowley as he tried to catch his breath. His arms were a bit wobbly but he managed. After a moment, he rolled onto his side. Crowley shifted over and rested his head on Ezra’s shoulder. Ezra reached up and started playing with Crowley’s hair as Crowley drew little designs with his finger on Ezra’s chest. 

“Penny for your thoughts.” Ezra said softly as he brought his other hand up to gently run along Crowley’s arm. 

“Really wishing I had the ability to stop time so we could just stay like this forever.” Crowley replied with a soft chuckle. He shifted so that he could lightly kiss Ezra’s neck. 

“That would come in handy, yes.” Ezra smiled. He kept his fingers lightly moving through Crowley’s hair. 

“What about you?” Crowley almost whispered. He laid his hand flat on Ezra’s chest. 

“I’ve managed to come up with a completely insane idea that I should probably keep to myself.” Ezra replied. 

“Well now you have to tell me.” Crowley said, lifting his head so he could look at Ezra. 

“Do I?” Ezra asked with a raised eyebrow. 

“Absolutely.” Crowley nodded and gave him a tender kiss on the lips. 

“I think…..” Ezra started. He looked Crowley in the eye. Those beautiful green eyes that said so much without uttering a word. He reached up and put a hand on Crowley’s cheek. “You should marry me.” 

“Really?” Crowley asked, furrowing his brow. That wasn’t what he’d been expecting at all. 

“Absolutely.” Ezra replied with a smile, intentionally copying what Crowley had said. 

“You do realize we’ve technically only been dating for about an hour…..” Crowley said. 

“When you know, you know.” Ezra replied. He started to lightly stroke Crowley’s cheek with his thumb. “And I have known since that first night we spent together that I want to spend the rest of my life loving you with everything that I am.” 

“I….” Crowley blinked a few times, trying to hold back the tears that were suddenly forming. He was once again completely overwhelmed with emotion. He couldn’t get any words to come out of his mouth so he simply nodded, leaning in to give Ezra a kiss that confirmed his answer.


	23. Reconnection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone from the past comes to see Crowley

Roughly two months ago

“Hello Crime Junkies, I’m your host Ashley Flowers.” 

“And I’m Brit.” 

“And today I’m going to tell you about the case of the Clergyman Killer. Now, Brit. We’re used to dealing with serial killers from the 70s and 80s and even the early 2000s, but with this one, it gets a little insane.” 

“How insane?” 

“This killer’s last victim was just a few months ago.” 

“What? No way!” 

“Yes. He is the only surviving victim of the killer. But get this. The police didn’t even realize they had a serial killer on their hands until they caught the guy and he confessed.” 

“So they hadn’t connected any of the other murders?” 

“No. He used a different weapon at each murder and took them with him when he left. But, before we get into that, let me start by telling you about the last victim. Father Anthony Crowley. There’s not a whole lot known about where he was born. When he was just four years old he was dropped at the doorstep of an orphanage.” 

“That poor baby.” 

“According to the nun that found him, who is running the orphanage now by the way, all he had with him was a little suitcase with some clothes, a teddy bear that he apparently still has.” 

“Okay, that’s adorable.” 

“I know, right? And the only other thing was a note that said take care of Anthony.” 

“No last name or anything?” 

“Apparently it had his birthday on it and that was it. I guess if he had a last name it would make it easier to track down the parents.” 

“But you said his name was Father Anthony Crowley. Where’d the Crowley come from?” 

“This is the heartbreaking part. Apparently a couple of years after he was dropped at the orphanage a family came very close to adopting him but then they fell on some financial hardship and couldn’t complete the adoption.” 

“Oh no.” 

“It’s so sad. They did let him keep their name though which is really sweet. He ended up spending the rest of his life in the orphanage and then he became a priest and is still at the same church that took him in all those years ago. And it was at that church that he became the last victim of the Clergyman Killer.” 

“Is that why they call him that?” 

“Yes. It turns out there were actually six murders and the attempted murder of Father Crowley and all of the victims were either priests or vicars. If you don’t know what a vicar is, it’s basically like a priest but in the Church of England rather than Catholic.” 

“Oh okay. I was about to ask that.” 

The rest of the podcast faded away as Madison Crowley got up from her desk. She informed her boss of a family emergency and then called her husband on the way out to her car. 

“We need to go home.” She said as soon as he answered. 

“What’s happened?” Her husband asked. 

“Something’s happened to Anthony.” Was her response. 

“I’ll see what I can do.” Her husband answered, needing no further explanation. While the two of them hadn’t stayed in direct contact with Crowley as he grew up, they had occasionally checked in with Mother Superior to see how he was doing and basically keep an eye on him.

Present Day 

Crowley sighed a bit when the sunlight managed to stream through the window right across his eyes. He didn’t want to get out of bed just yet but he was definitely awake and new that his body would require him getting up very soon. He rolled over and put his hand on the bed where Ezra should have been. Instead of Ezra, he found a note. He’d completely forgotten that the other man actually had a job he had to go to and chuckled to himself. _You look too cute to wake. I’ll see you after work._ the note said. Crowley took up almost the entire bed as he stretched before getting up and going about his usual morning routine. 

“You’re finally awake.” Newt said as he sat at the kitchen island sipping a cup of tea. 

“I guess I needed the sleep.” Crowley smiled a little. He started to make himself a cup of tea. 

“Ezra seems to be a bit of a bad influence on you.” Newt said with a raised eyebrow. 

“You heard that?” Crowley asked as he turned bright red. 

“You weren’t exactly trying to be quiet.” Newt sipped his tea again. “I thought priests weren’t supposed to do that…..” 

“You’re right. Priests aren’t.” Crowley tried not to smirk as he continued to make his tea. “Former priests on the other hand can engage in those kinds of activities as often as they like.” 

“Oh.” Newt looked at his tea and then it hit him what Crowley said and he looked up. “Oh! Well. Hmmm.” Newt furrowed his brow. Crowley walked over and patted him on the shoulder. 

“Don’t think about it too hard, you might hurt yourself.” He chuckled. 

“So...what are you going to do now?” Newt tilted his head. 

“I can still work for the church. There are other things I can do. And I’ll definitely still be helping at the shelter. I will need an actual income, though.” Crowley sipped his tea. “I didn’t think about that.” 

“I’m sure we can find you something.” Newt smiled. “Are you going to move in here?” 

“I….hadn’t thought about that, either. I suppose it depends on what Ezra says.” Crowley shrugged. He certainly wasn’t going to just assume that he was welcome to live there. Although he did doubt it would be an issue. 

“I suppose I should start calling you Anthony now, shouldn’t I?” Newt asked. 

“It’s strange. I’ve been going by Father Crowley for so long that hearing my name is almost weird. The monsignor and Mother Superior are the only ones that call me Anthony.” Crowley answered. 

“What about a nickname? I could call you Tony?” Newt raised an eyebrow again. Crowley looked at him very seriously. 

“Try it and I will murder you in your sleep.” Crowley just stared at him. 

“Right. Not Tony.” Newt filed that away. “If it makes you feel more comfortable I could just drop the Father and call you Crowley.” 

“I think for now that would be good.” Crowley nodded. That was the moment when Crowley’s phone rang. It actually took him a minute to find it because it had fallen off the end table. 

“Hello?” 

“Anthony. You finally decided to answer your phone.” The monsignor chuckled. 

“I apologize. I was actually asleep until a little bit ago.” Crowley answered. 

“It’s quite alright. I need you to come by the church.” The monsignor said. 

“Is everything okay?” Crowley furrowed his brow. He shrugged when Newt gave him a curious look. 

“Oh yes, everything is absolutely fine. There’s just someone here that would very much like to see you. When can you come by?” The monsignor answered.

“I need to shower and change so probably in about an hour?” Crowley moved so he could look at the clock on the microwave. 

“An hour sounds perfect. We’ll see you then.” The monsignor hung up before Crowley could ask any other questions. 

“I guess I’m going to the church.” Crowley shrugged once again before going to get ready. 

There were quite a lot of things going through Crowley’s mind as he made his way up to the church. He’d dealt with media people wanting to talk to him over the time since Hastur had been originally caught, and even more so the last couple of days. He knew that the monsignor wouldn’t ambush him with an interview, though. 

“Anthony.” The monsignor said as he walked up once Crowley came through the church doors. There seemed to be a couple sitting up toward the front of the church. 

“What’s going on?” Crowley asked, looking over the monsignor’s shoulder for a moment. 

“Do you remember the couple that nearly adopted you?” The monsignor asked seemingly out of nowhere. Crowley laughed softly. 

“It’s kind of hard not to since they’re the only reason I even have a last name.” He shook his head. 

“Over the years they’ve kept in touch with me and with Mother Superior. Mrs. Crowley heard about what happened and they wanted to come see you.” The monsignor looked at them over his shoulder before looking back at Crowley. 

“They wanted to come see me?” Crowley looked at where the couple were sitting and then back at the monsignor. 

“Yes. If you’re willing, they would like to take you to dinner.” The monsignor replied. Crowley just looked at the couple again for a long moment. He hadn’t seen them in years. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. 

“I….I need to think about it.” He cleared his throat. “How long are they here?” 

“They said they’ll be in town for about a week. Then they have to get back to their jobs.” The monsignor answered. 

“Alright.” Crowley nodded. “Um….tell them if they want they can make reservations for the day after tomorrow. For four.” 

“Four?” The monsignor raised an eyebrow. 

“I’m not going to have dinner with them by myself.” Crowley shook his head. “I have to talk to Ezra but if I do this, he’s coming with me.” 

“Of course.” The monsignor nodded. “I’ll let them know.” 

“And tell them that I won’t just leave them hanging. If we decide not to come to dinner, we’ll let them know ahead of time.” Crowley scratched the back of his neck. “They had the courtesy to actually tell me why they wouldn’t be able to adopt me. I’m at least going to tell them why I won’t have dinner with them.” 

“I’ll tell them.” The monsignor patted Crowley’s arm. 

“Thank you.” Crowley nodded. “I need to get back before Ezra gets home.” Crowley cleared his throat. “And I have some things I need to tell you…” He looked over at the couple again. “Later.” 

“Of course. I’ll talk to you later.” The monsignor nodded again. Crowley gave him a little nod and then headed out of the church and just stood on the steps for a moment. How had he not known that they continued to check up on him? He took a deep breath and let it out slowly before heading back to the apartment to wait for Ezra to get home from work.


	24. Dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley agrees to meet with his almost parents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter this time but again it's leading up to something else.

Crowley was absolutely nervous as he tried to tie his tie in the mirror. His hands were actually shaking as he got ready. He closed his eyes for a moment and tried to steady himself onto to feel Ezra come up behind him and take over tying the tie. He allowed himself a smile as Ezra leaned down and kissed his neck just above his collar. 

“It’s going to be fine.” Ezra said softly. 

“They were almost my actual parents.” Crowley replied, turning so that he could face Ezra. He put a hand on Ezra’s chest and looked into his eyes. “I am, essentially, introducing you to my parents.” 

“And it’s going to be perfect.” Ezra leaned in and gave Crowley a quick kiss on the lips. 

“You are far more confident than I am.” Crowley chuckled. 

“It’s all an act.” Ezra smirked. 

“Come on, we’re going to be late.” Crowley took Ezra’s hand and started to pull him toward the front door. 

“Am I allowed to put shoes on first?” Ezra asked with a raised eyebrow. Crowley stopped and looked down at Ezra feet and then blushed a bit. Once Ezra had his shoes on, the two went outside and got a taxi. They both wanted to be able to at least have a little bit to drink at dinner. When they got to the restaurant, the Crowleys were already there. Crowley took a deep breath and let it out slowly as they stood by the maître d stand. Ezra just took his hand and squeezed gently, smiling a little. They walked up to the table and the other couple got to their feet. 

“Ezra, I’d like you to meet Mr. and Mrs. Crowley.” Crowley said calmly. 

“Harold, please. And this is my wife Madison.” Mr. Crowley said as he held out a hand. Ezra shook it and nodded.

“This is….” Crowley paused for a moment, getting a nod from Ezra. “This is my fiancé, Ezra Fell.” He said. 

“Fiancé….” Madison looked between the two of them. “Darling that’s wonderful.” She leaned over and gave Crowley a kiss on the cheek and he relaxed visibly. 

“The monsignor had told us that you decided to leave the priesthood.” Harold said as everyone took a seat. 

“It wasn’t an easy decision but I definitely feel like it was the right one.” Crowley nodded. The four of them sat quietly for a moment. 

“Anthony tells me that you came very close to adopting him….” Ezra said. 

“Yes. He was about eight at the time. The paperwork was practically filed and then I lost my job.” Harold answered. 

“We couldn’t afford to take him in after that.” Madison said. “It’s one of the biggest regrets we’ve had.” 

“I’ve never actually been mad at you about it.” Crowley said as he looked at a spot on the table. 

“I’m so glad to hear that.” Madison reached across the table and put a hand over his. “So tell me, how did you two meet?” 

“Um...well….” Crowley started, blushing furiously. “It’s kind of complicated….” 

“We met when I came to confession.” Ezra answered, putting a hand on Crowley’s thigh. “How things got to where they are now is the complicated part.” 

“Oh, I see.” Madison replied. Harold chuckled before sipping his wine. “How long have you been engaged?” 

“What day is it?” Crowley asked with a little smirk as he checked his phone. “Ah, um….less than a week.” 

“You’re actually the first people we’ve told aside from my roommates.” Ezra said with a smile. 

“Well, congratulations.” Madison said. The rest of the dinner went along with light hearted conversation and getting to know each other a little bit better. They even stayed for dessert and coffee after dinner. When they were done and the check was paid, they all stood. Crowley whispered something in Ezra’s ear and Ezra nodded. He gave him a quick kiss before heading outside. 

“I wanted to ask you something.” Crowley found himself a bit nervous again. 

“You can ask us anything.” Harold said with a small smile. 

“Other than the monsignor and Mother Superior and Father Gabriel I don’t really have any family…..” Crowley cleared his throat. He was back to being that shy little boy that couldn’t look anyone in the eye. “I was wondering if…..would you be able to come to the wedding? When we decide on a date all that….” 

“We would be absolutely honored.” Madison replied, getting a little misty eyed. She gave Crowley a kiss on the cheek and smiled. Crowley smiled and relaxed a little bit. 

“I was so nervous about tonight. Afraid of what you might think.” Crowley cleared his throat. “But I’m really glad you’re here. I...I didn’t realize how much I missed the idea of actually having parents until right now. But….in a good way if that makes sense.” 

“Surprisingly it does.” Harold nodded. 

“I need to go before Ezra thinks I’ve left him to fend for himself. Thank you so much for coming to see me.” He gave both of them a quick hug. 

“I look forward to the wedding.” Madison said with a grin. Crowley smiled back and then went outside to meet Ezra just as he was able to flag down a taxi. 

“Everything good?” Ezra asked as they got settled into the back of the taxi. 

“Everything is perfect.” Crowley said, snuggling up to Ezra’s side and resting his head on his shoulder. Ezra put his arm around Crowley and kissed the top of his head. Everything really was absolutely perfect.


	25. Regrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mother Superior gets an unexpected visitor at the orphanage.

“That’s the last of it.” Crowley said as he set a small storage container down on the floor. 

“You really don’t have a whole lot of stuff.” Ezra commented, looking at the pile of boxes and storage containers that contained Crowley’s entire life. 

“I have what I thought I needed.” Crowley shrugged and then gave Ezra a quick kiss on the lips. “Are you actually sad that there’s not more to move?” 

“No.” Ezra laughed softly. “I just wasn’t expecting to be able to do everything in one trip.” 

“Makes things easier.” Crowley grinned. “I do need to go shopping for more clothes, though.” 

“Maybe you could keep one of the priest outfits?” Ezra smirked a little. Crowley laughed and shook his head. 

“You’re incorrigible.” He lightly slapped Ezra’s arm. 

“Hey, it’s your fault.” Ezra chuckled. He picked up one of the bigger boxes. “Come on. Let’s get this loaded up so we can go home.” 

“You know….this is the first place I’m going to live that isn’t directly associated with the church.” Crowley said as he paused for a moment, looking around the room. 

“How do you feel about that?” Ezra asked. He made sure that they discussed their feelings about the whole situation from the beginning. 

“It’s a little weird but also…..kind of exciting.” Crowley chuckled before picking up a box and heading toward the door. “Whole new chapter.” 

“A fantastic new chapter.” Ezra paused to give Crowley a kiss before they both started loading boxes into the car. 

Mother Superior was sitting quietly at her desk doing some paperwork. It wasn’t her favorite part of the job but it had always been necessary. One thing that few people noticed about her desk was the single, small portrait she had of herself and Crowley. He was barely five at the time and though still very shy he had the tiniest hint of a smile on his face. It was one of her favorite pictures. 

“Mother Superior?” Sister Mary said as she stood in the doorway to the office. Mother Superior almost never closed her office door. She wanted to welcome everyone. 

“Yes, Sister Mary?” Mother Superior put her pen down and gave her full attention to the young nun. 

“There’s a woman here to see you. She says it’s important….” Sister Mary answered. 

“Please, bring her in.” Mother Superior got to her feet and moved to stand beside her desk. Sister Mary nodded and went down the hall a bit before coming back with the woman in question. She was tall and slender and the first thing that Mother Superior noticed was her striking ginger hair. 

“Thank you for seeing me.” The woman said quietly. 

“Please, take a seat.” Mother Superior motioned to the chair in front of her desk. “How may I be of service?” She asked as she went to take her own seat. 

“I’m not even completely certain that you can help me.” The woman said as she took the offered seat. Mother Superior noticed that the woman wouldn’t look her in the eye. 

“I can certainly try.” Mother Superior offered a kind smile. 

“I feel absolutely horrible. And I know I should have done this so long ago.” The woman started. “I don’t know how long you keep the records of the children you have here…..” 

“It would depend on how far back you’re looking. We usually only maintain records for about a year after the child is adopted.” Mother Superior replied. A knot was starting to form in her stomach and she wasn’t sure why. 

“Oh. I’m sure it’s been quite longer than that by now….” The woman said softly. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “You see, Mother Superior….I dropped my son off at this orphanage many years ago. I was very young and I truly believed that I was doing what was best for him.” She pulled a small picture out of her purse. “It’s a decision I’ve regretted for many years.” 

“I see.” Mother Superior said. The knot suddenly tightened. She kept her expression neutral, though. “I can definitely see if I can find any kind of records. Do you know how long ago he was dropped off?” 

“It’s been almost twenty five years.” She said, still staring at the picture in her hand. “He’s bound to have been adopted long ago.” 

“I can still see if we can find anything. One of the nuns here has been working on digitizing all of the old records. It’s entirely possible that something could be in one of those files.” Mother Superior said. 

“If you could find something, it would be appreciated. And I do understand if his adoption records are sealed. I would just like to know that he went to a good family and has a good life.” The woman said. 

“Of course. I’ll see what I can do.” Mother Superior replied. 

“May I ask how long you’ve been at this orphanage?” The woman asked. 

“Oh, quite a long time. Nearly thirty years now.” Mother Superior answered with a small chuckled. The woman seemed to brighten up a bit. 

“Maybe you remember him then? He was such a bright boy. And very well behaved.” The woman smiled. “I brought a picture. It’s the only one I’ve ever had of him.” She held out the picture and Mother Superior took it. She wasn’t sure how she managed to keep her expression calm. 

“He is a lovely young boy.” Mother Superior said. “A lot of children have gone through this orphanage over the years and it’s hard for me to remember each one of them.” 

“Oh.” The woman said. When Mother Superior tried to hand the picture back, she shook her head. “I’d like for you to hold on to that in case you can find something.” 

“Of course.” Mother Superior nodded. She pulled out a pad and a pen and handed them over to the woman. “If you’ll write down your contact information, I’ll see what I can do.” 

“Thank you.” The woman took the pad and pen and wrote down her name and phone number. She then got to her feet. “I never should have given him up. It’s a pain in my heart that’s never gone away.” 

“I will do everything I can to find any information we have.” Mother Superior smiled. The woman nodded and then left the office. As soon as she was gone, Mother Superior got up and closed her office door. She immediately got on the phone. 

“Mother Superior, how nice to hear from you.” The monsignor said with a little bit of a laugh. 

“We have a problem.” Mother Superior said as she looked at the picture the woman had given her. The picture that looked exactly like the one she currently had on her desk.


	26. Decisions and Honesty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mother Superior tells Crowley about the visitor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a little pocket alternate universe in which Mother Superior and the monsignor got married and adopted Crowley. Just gonna put that out there.

“So what are we going to do?” Mother Superior asked the monsignor as they sat in her office. 

“You’re sure it’s his mother?” The monsignor questioned. 

“Aside from the fact that she had this picture.” Mother Superior handed it to him. “The resemblance is uncanny.” She sighed softly. 

“Did she say why?” The monsignor asked as he looked at the picture. That was most definitely Anthony at a very young age. 

“She said she wanted to make sure he went to a good home but I feel like it’s more than that.” Mother Superior answered. 

“What did you tell her?” The monsignor handed the picture back. 

“I admit that I lied to her. I told her I would have to do some research and see if I could track him down.” She blushed the tiniest bit and the monsignor smiled. 

“I think under the circumstances, Agatha, that’s an acceptable one.” He reached over and patted her hand. The monsignor took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “We have to tell him.” 

“He’s finally happy, John. This could cause some unnecessary problems.” Mother Superior sighed a little. 

“It’s not our decision to make, Agatha.” The monsignor said, squeezing her hand gently. “He has a right to meet his mother.” 

“You’re right.” Mother Superior nodded. She pulled out the piece of paper with the woman’s contact information on it. 

“Thank you for contacting me.” The woman said as she came into Mother Superior’s office later that day. “You found information on my son?” 

“Please, have a seat Mrs. Banwell.” Mother Superior motioned to the chair across from her desk. 

“You can call me Cara if you like.” She said as she took a seat. 

“Mrs. Banwell.” Mother Superior started, setting a tone of formality. She didn’t want to get too comfortable with the woman. “I’m afraid that I wasn’t entirely honest with you when you first arrived here.” 

“Oh?” Cara raised an eyebrow. Oh how Anthony did look so much like his mother, Mother Superior thought. 

“I am very familiar with your son.” She cleared her throat before turning the picture on her desk around for the other woman to see. Cara picked up the picture and looked at it, running her finger lightly over Anthony’s face. 

“He looks happy here.” Cara said. 

“It was a rare moment.” Mother Superior tried to keep her voice neutral but it wasn’t easy. “Your son was never adopted, Mrs Banwell. He stayed in the orphanage until he was too old and then he moved into the rectory with the monsignor. He has had some problems because of this. Up until very recently he had a crippling social anxiety that made it next to impossible for him to speak to anyone that wasn’t close to him.” 

“Oh.” Cara just kept her eyes on the picture. 

“He is the closest thing to a son that I’ve had in my life. The monsignor and I have both raised him as our own.” Mother Superior said. “Because of that we are both very protective of him.” 

“Yes, of course.” Cara nodded and set the picture back on the desk. 

“I have not yet told him about your arrival. I wanted to talk to the monsignor first and get his advice on the matter.” Mother Superior sighed a little. “The fact is, it’s not my decision whether or not Anthony sees you. I am going to tell him that you came by and that you would like to meet him. Anything after that is entirely up to him. You will respect whatever decision he makes.” 

“Yes, absolutely.” Cara nodded. 

“If he doesn’t want to see you, that’s it. You leave and don’t come back. Is that understood?” Mother Superior made sure her tone left no room for argument. 

“He’s my son…” Cara started. 

“And he is an adult. Capable of making his own choices. Choices that need to be respected regardless of our own desires. Is that clear?” Mother Superior crossed her arms this time. Cara was quiet for a long moment before her shoulders slumped slightly. 

“Yes. I understand.” She nodded. 

“Good. I will let you know as soon as a decision has been made.” Mother Superior got up and went over to the office door, gesturing for Cara to leave. “Have a good day, Mrs. Banwell.” 

“Thank you.” Cara said before getting up and leaving the office. Mother Superior went over and practically melted into her office chair. She had a very bad feeling about the whole situation. 

“Mother Superior, what a lovely surprise.” Crowley said as he opened the door. He stepped aside so that she could come in. 

“I needed to talk to you about something important.” Mother Superior said as she stepped inside. She looked around for a moment and smiled. “It is a lovely apartment.” 

“Thank you.” Crowley said with a nod. “May I offer you some tea or water?” 

“No, thank you, dear. We should sit…” She said. Crowley nodded and motioned over to the living room. 

“Is everything okay?” Crowley asked, concern now evident on his face. They both took a seat next to each other on the couch. 

“Anthony, my dear boy.” She reached over and took one of his hands in hers. “We had a visitor at the orphanage the other day.” 

“Mother Superior, you’re scaring me. What’s going on?” Crowley tried to take deep breaths.

“A woman came into the orphanage asking to find her son.” Mother Superior said. She pulled the picture Cara had given her out of a small pouch she always had with her. “She had this picture of him.” 

“That’s…...that’s me.” Crowley said as he gently took the picture. “She….” He took a shaky breath. “My mother?” 

“Yes.” Mother Superior nodded. “Even if she didn’t have the picture, I would know she was your mother. You look so much like her.” 

“And she was looking for me?” Crowley looked up at Mother Superior. 

“Yes. She wants to meet you.” Mother Superior replied. 

“What did you tell her?” Crowley handed the picture back and cleared his throat. 

“I told her that it was entirely up to you.” Mother Superior answered. “You’re an adult and it’s your decision whether or not you see her. And that she absolutely has to respect whatever decision you make.” 

“Did...did she say why? Was there a reason?” Crowley asked. His heart was pounding and there were a million thoughts swirling around in his head. 

“No, she didn’t. She just said that she would really like to meet you.” Mother Superior answered. 

“I….um…..I have to….I need to think about it.” Crowley was finally able to get out. “I don’t…...I don’t know.” 

“It’s completely understandable, my dear boy.” Mother Superior reached a hand up to touch his cheek. She could tell he was conflicted and was trying to ground him a little bit. “Take all the time you need. And I want you to know that it is perfectly okay for you to not want to see her. Don’t even for a second think that you have any obligation to her at all.” 

“Yeah. Okay.” Crowley nodded. “What….what would you do?” 

“My answer is a little bit selfish.” Mother Superior moved her hand to smooth the hair above Crowley’s ear. “I didn’t even want to tell you about her. I wanted to keep you all to myself.” She chuckled slightly. 

“No matter what happens.” Crowley said, finally calming down a little bit. “You’ll always be the mother that was there for me.” 

“Oh my dear boy.” Mother Superior replied and pulled him into a hug. Maybe everything would be alright after all.


	27. Truth and Consequences.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley meets with his biological mother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to go with you?” Ezra asked as he wrapped his arms around Crowley from behind. He lightly kissed Crowley’s neck before resting his chin on his shoulder. 

“I need to do this on my own.” Crowley said, putting a hand on Ezra’s arm. “If you’re there I might not get the answers I want.” 

“Okay.” Ezra moved back a little and Crowley turned in his arms. 

“I do appreciate the offer very much, though.” Crowley said with a small smile before giving Ezra a kiss. 

“I’m just a phone call away if you change your mind, okay?” Ezra put a hand on Crowley’s cheek. Crowley nuzzled the hand and nodded. 

“I love you.” Crowley smiled. 

“I love you, too.” Ezra replied. They kissed one more time before Crowley left the flat. 

Crowley took a deep breath and let it out slowly as he sat in one of the empty classrooms at the orphanage. He’d only agreed on what he considered neutral territory. He couldn’t keep her from knowing where the orphanage was but he could keep her from knowing much more than that. She could get more information based on how the meeting went. 

“Anthony.” Mother Superior said as she came into the room followed by a tall, slender, ginger haired woman. “This is Cara Banwell. Cara, Anthony Crowley.” 

“You weren’t kidding when you said I look like her.” Crowley said as he got to his feet. 

“You do resemble your father a little bit.” Cara said, moving closer. She started to reach out a hand but noticed that Crowley backed up a bit so she let it drop.

“If you need anything, I’m just down the hall.” Mother Superior said directly to Crowley. He nodded and then she left the two of them alone, even though she thought it was a very bad idea. 

“You must have so many questions…” Cara started. 

“I really only have one.” Crowley cleared his throat as he clasped his hands behind his back. He had a distinct feeling that he shouldn’t get too comfortable around her. 

“Oh?” Cara did take a seat at one of the desks. 

“Why?” Crowley asked. “Why did you give me away like that?” 

“Anthony, it’s….very complicated.” Cara started, suddenly looking anywhere but at his eyes. 

“Uncomplicate it.” His tone conveyed a confidence that he absolutely did not feel. Inside his heart was pounding. 

“You have to understand that I was very young. I was only fifteen when you were born.” Cara said. 

“Go on.” Crowley said, keeping his hands clasped behind his back. 

“I hadn’t seen or heard from your father since the night you were conceived. When I told my parents I was pregnant, they kicked me out. I was almost completely on my own.” Cara reached up and started to play with the cross necklace she always wore. 

“And being a good Catholic, abortion was out of the question.” Crowley said. “Why not just put me up for adoption before I was even born?” 

“As I said, I was completely on my own. I didn’t even know where to start.” Cara said, sighing softly. “After the first ultrasound I knew that I wanted to try to make it work. I was able to get housing and assistance. I got a job and there was help with daycare. I genuinely thought I could make it work.” 

“So what happened? You raised me for four years before deciding to give me up. What changed?” Crowley just looked at her. 

“It’s a long story….” Cara started. 

“I have nothing else to do.” Crowley could feel the tension in his jaw. He watched Cara take a long, deep breath. She kept playing with the gold cross that hung around her neck and she still refused to look up at him. 

“Not long after your third birthday I met this man.” She said softly. “He was kind and sweet and came from a good family.” Cara said. Crowley knew that was code for money. “I fell in love almost immediately.” 

“Then what?” Crowley suddenly had a feeling he knew where this was going. 

“I hadn’t told him about you yet. I had babysitters that watched you when we would go on dates. We would always go to his place.” Cara said. She started to trace patterns on the desk at which she was sitting. “We were coming close to our anniversary and we were very much in love.” 

“And this is when you told him about me?” Crowley raised an eyebrow. 

“I was going to.” Cara said. “We were talking about our anniversary and about our future.” She stopped when her voice started to shake a little. “I asked him how he felt about children.” 

“I’m sure that went very well.” Crowley didn’t hold back the sarcasm in his tone. 

“We were young. I was nineteen, he was twenty one….” Cara said. “He told me that maybe someday he’d like to have children but not yet. He wasn’t ready to be a father. He just….he had too much he wanted to do.”

“I see.” Crowley said, his nails digging into the palms of his hands. 

“I admit that my actions were selfish. I put my own wants above your needs. I didn’t want to risk losing him….” Cara sighed. 

“So instead you just decided to discard me like a bit of rubbish.” Crowley said. His hands stayed clasped behind his back so they wouldn’t start shaking. 

“Anthony….” Cara got to her feet and started toward him. 

“No.” Crowley shook his head and backed away a little bit, holding up one hand. “You don’t get to do that.” He shook his head again. 

“It was the stupidest decision I’ve ever made in my life.” Cara said. 

“Well at least we can agree on that.” Crowley glared at her. “So was it worth it?” 

“What do you mean?” Cara asked. 

“Are you still with him? Celebrating 25 happy years together? Was throwing me away worth it?” He wasn’t holding back his anger. In his head he thanked God for the last two years because he knew this conversation would be going very differently if it weren’t for Ezra and everything that happened. 

“I am still with him, yes.” Cara replied, refusing to answer the other question. 

“There’s that at least.” Crowley cleared his throat. “Tossing me out like garbage had an advantage.” 

“I’m sorry.” Cara said, still looking down. 

“So when you rehearsed this in your head is this the part where I forgave you?” Crowley asked as he looked her over. He took in the look of her clothes, the wedding ring on her finger. “Or is this where you tell me about the half siblings that were good enough to keep?” 

“You have a brother and a sister.” Cara said, almost defeated. 

“I see.” Crowley said again and this time he started pacing. 

“How old are they?” Crowley asked. 

“Your brother is seventeen and your sister is twelve.” Cara answered. 

“So I was eleven when the first one was born.” Crowley said with a nod. “Which one of them is sick?” 

“I’m not sure what you mean?” Cara asked, finally looking up. 

“You’ve had all this time to come find me. After the wedding. After the birth of your first child. You’ve had years to try to track me down and you decide to do it now. I can only think of one possible reason for that. Which one of them is sick?” He watched Cara’s shoulders slump. 

“Your brother has leukemia.” She said quietly, her hand going to the cross on her neck again. Crowley nodded. “We’ve tried every family member and so far no one is a match.” 

“So you thought you’d track me down just in case.” Crowley kept pacing, his nails digging into his palms a bit more. “Did you tell them about me?” 

“I….” Cara started. Crowley stopped pacing and held up a hand. 

“Do not lie to me. The least you can do after everything you’ve done to me is tell me the truth.” 

“I told my husband, but not your siblings no.” Cara replied. 

“And what did he have to say about it?” Crowley tilted his head. 

“He was…...angry.” Cara answered with a sigh. This caused Crowley to start pacing again. 

“So you gave me up for a man that wouldn’t have actually required you to give me up.” It was said more than asked. “I guess there is one bright side to this. You could have just become the British La Llorona. At least I’m still alive.” 

“I don’t understand….” Cara furrowed her brow. 

“Doesn’t matter. The point is, you’ve come here today to see me to beg me to get tested and see if I’m a match for the half brother that doesn’t even know I exist.” Crowley said, stopping the pacing once more. 

“It would be greatly appreciated if you could….” Cara said. She finally looked up at him. 

“I’m going to go get tested and if I can I am going to help. Because I don’t abandon children in need.” Crowley said rather pointedly as he looked her in the eye. “But I have a few conditions.” 

“Okay.” Cara nodded. 

“You will not tell anyone about this. If I am a match, then it’s an anonymous donation from a stranger. A miracle from God, if you have to tell them that. Because as much as it hurts to know you gave me away for a really fucking stupid reason, I can’t imagine how they would feel knowing that they actually got kept.” Crowley tried very hard to keep his tone steady. 

“I understand.” Cara nodded. Crowley had noticed that she flinched slightly when he swore but he didn’t care. 

“I will be praying for your son. Nobody should have to deal with that.” Crowley walked over a little closer to her, but still out of arm’s reach. He didn’t want her to touch him at all. 

“Thank you.” Cara said with the tiniest hint of a smile. “It means so much….” 

“There is a part of me that does want to be a match.” Crowley said. “Because then you will have to spend the rest of your life knowing that your selfish, stupid decision nearly killed your son.” Crowley took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “After this, you will never contact me again. Do you understand?” 

“I thought….” Cara started. She looked at him for a long moment. It was obvious he was angry, and he had every right to be. Rather than finishing her thought, she just nodded and got to her feet. 

“You know, I have this one memory of you.” Crowley said. “My whole life I thought it was just some fantasy that I’d concocted in my head but then you walked through that door and I realized that it is a legitimate memory.” Crowley sighed. “We were snuggled in bed together and you were reading me a story. I honestly don’t remember the story at all but I just remember the feeling of being snuggled up next to you while you read to me. And then you tucked me in and kissed me goodnight and told me that you loved me.” His voice started shaking and he had to blink back tears. “Guess that really was just a fantasy after all, wasn’t it?” 

“Anthony…..I do love you….” Cara said, moving a little closer. 

“No, you don’t. You don’t get to say that. You left me on the orphanage doorstep without having any idea what could possibly have happened to me. You do not get to say that you love me.” The tears started rolling down his cheeks at this point. “Because if you really did love me, you wouldn’t have given me away.” He reached up and angrily wiped the tears from his cheeks. 

Cara didn’t try to say anything else. She just watched him for a moment before turning to leave. There was no arguing with his statement. After she was gone, Crowley just stood in the room, staring at the door she’d gone through. He barely registered when Mother Superior came into the room and walked over to him. 

“Anthony?” She said softly as she put a hand on his shoulder. Crowley didn’t say a word. He just turned and almost collapsed against Mother Superior. She put her arms around him as he started to sob uncontrollably. They would talk later about what actually happened when he was up for it but right that moment she just held him and let him cry. It was the first time in a very long time that Mother Superior found herself actually hating someone.


	28. Therapeutic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley has an emergency session with his therapist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This first part is Crowley at the therapist. The second part is Ezra and Newt and Anathema at the apartment DURING Crowley's therapy session.

“How are you feeling about this?” Dr Michaels asked after Crowley told her the whole story. Now she completely understood why he’d requested an emergency session. 

“I’m mainly just…..” Crowley took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Tired. Emotionally speaking. I’ve gone through such a range of emotions that I’m just exhausted.” 

“That’s completely understandable.” Dr Michaels nodded. 

“I had this image in my head of my mother. That she was this sweet, wonderful woman who just couldn’t afford to take care of me, or maybe she was protecting me from an abusive father or something like that. This fantasy idea that her giving me up was for me. To make sure that I had the best life I could have.” Crowley ran his fingers through his hair. “And then I found out that she’s just a selfish bitch that decided what she wanted was more important than what I needed. I could have gone the rest of my life without that knowledge and been perfectly fine.” 

“And how do you feel about the situation with your brother?” Dr Michaels asked.

“Her son.” Crowley said, crossing his arms. 

“Okay. How do you feel about the situation with her son?” Dr Michaels made a note to further explore his refusal to call her children his siblings. 

“I’m going to help him. Nobody should have to deal with that, especially at his age. And I’m not a monster. He’s not responsible for me being treated the way I was. If she was the only one that had to face the consequences then I would wholeheartedly walk away but I can’t do that knowing it could cost him his life.” Crowley shifted on the couch. 

“That’s very noble of you.” Dr Michaels commented. 

“The sad thing is, it’s really not. It’s just being a decent human being. But there are so many horrible people in the world that when one person decides to actually care about someone other than themselves, it appears as some noble gesture.” Crowley shook his head. “It’s not like this is going to make me eligible for sainthood or anything.” 

“And what happens if you are a match?” 

“Then I helped a teenage boy live a little bit longer and maybe have a full life.” Crowley shrugged. There was no guarantee that it would even help. 

“I have to say, Anthony, I am very proud of the progress you’ve made over these last few years. You’re taking a very practical approach to this whole situation. You’re actually willing to express your anger. It’s a big change.” Dr Michaels smiled. 

“I think Ezra played a huge part in that.” Crowley smiled a little. “He’s been very supportive and he’s there for me. Newt and Anathema have helped as well. I can’t exactly be the socially awkward wallflower with three flatmates.” Crowley chuckled. 

“It is very nice to see you with friends outside of Father Gabriel.” Dr Michaels nodded. She looked at her watch. “It appears our time is up, though. I think that we can reschedule the appointment later in the week if you’d like.” Crowley shook his head. 

“I’ll keep it. The way things are going I may need it between now and then.” He made a face before getting to his feet. 

“I would also like for Ezra to sit in on a session at some point. Maybe talk to him and see what he says.” Dr Michaels got to her feet as well. 

“I will.” Crowley nodded. “Thank you, Dr Michaels. I know emergency appointments aren’t easy.” 

“It’s what I’m here for, Anthony.” Dr Michaels nodded. After Crowley left she contacted her receptionist and told her to reschedule the next appointment. She was going to need some time to get her own feelings under control. 

“I want to punch something.” Ezra said as he sat on the couch with his arms crossed. 

“Okay.” Newt said as he got to his feet. He moved some of the furniture around in the living room to provide a clear area and then went into his room. 

“What is he doing?” Ezra asked Anathema who just shrugged. A couple of minutes later Newt was pushing one of his practice “dummies” out into the living room. It actually looked like a giant lint roller but instead of sticky paper wrapped around it, it had a mat of some kind. 

“Go ahead.” Newt grinned. 

“Pardon?” Ezra asked. 

“You said you want to punch something.” Newt stood back a bit and punched the mat a few times. “So punch something.” 

“That’s…..I mean….” Ezra made a face as he looked at the mat. Anathema got up and moved to sit next to Ezra. She put a hand on his back. 

“It’s a great thing to say when you’re angry but you have to remember that Newt will absolutely take you up on the offer.” She smiled a little. 

“Thank you, Newt. I appreciate it.” Ezra nodded. As long as he’d known the both of them and he didn’t even think that Newt would bring out something for him to actually punch. 

“I know that if it were me, I would probably end up needing a new practice bag.” Newt said, punching the mat a few more times. 

“All this time in my life I’ve avoided spending time with my mother. She’s a bit over religious and absolutely tries to be controlling. She can be kind of horrible at times…” Ezra started. “But I’ve never doubted for a second that she does actually love me. And she never just decided that her love life was more important than me.” 

“When he was telling us what she said, I wanted to throat punch her.” Anathema made a fist. “I can’t believe anyone would do that.” 

“I honestly thought it was just folklore.” Newt agreed as he resumed his seat in the armchair across from the couch. 

“I think he handled it really well, though.” Ezra nodded. He was very proud of the way Crowley stood up to her. 

“You’ve been a very good influence on him.” Anathema nodded. She made a face when Ezra laughed. 

“I just remember us sitting in the kitchen and you telling me I was a bad influence on him.” He chuckled. That seemed like it was forever ago. 

“You were back then. Now it’s changed.” Anathema kissed Ezra’s cheek. “And he’s been a very good influence on you, too. I thought you’d be a bachelor forever.” 

“I thought so too.” Ezra nodded. “But then he came into my life and just shattered every single wall I’d built and now I can’t imagine my life without him in it.” 

“You two were absolutely meant to be.” Newt smiled. 

“Have we ever discussed a foursome?” Ezra asked with a raised eyebrow. Things were getting a bit emotional and he wanted to lighten the mood. Newt blushed furiously and Anathema smacked his arm. 

“You’re an absolute twat.” Anathema said with a laugh. The three of them decided to order take out so that the food would be there when Anthony got home.


	29. Results and procedures

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley finds out he's actually a match.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love trying to do legitimate research on things and having all of the accessible information be written for six year olds to understand. *note sarcasm*

“Thank you, doctor.” Crowley said as he hung up the phone. It had been a week since his biological mother contacted him and a few days since he went to get tested. 

“What did he say?” Ezra asked. They were sitting on the couch together. He wrapped his arm around Crowley’s shoulders. 

“I’m apparently a match.” Crowley cleared his throat. “They said the odds of a half sibling being a match were roughly the same as a complete stranger but…..” Crowley looked at Ezra. 

“So what are you going to do?” Ezra reached up and ran his fingers through Crowley’s hair. 

“I’m going to keep my word. I said if I was a match that I would help and I fully intend to do that.” Crowley sighed. “He shouldn’t have to suffer because his mother is a bitch.” 

“Do you know when you have to go in?” Ezra honestly didn’t think he could love Crowley anymore than he already did but his refusal to just abandon his half brother was amazing. 

“They’ll let me know. I’ve done some research. It’s going to be rather painful.” Crowley sighed and shifted so he could rest his head on Ezra’s shoulder. Ezra moved his hand down to lightly trail his fingers up and down Crowley’s arm. 

“We’ll take care of you.” Ezra said before kissing the top of Crowley’s head. 

Later that evening they were laying in bed together facing each other. Ezra just watched Crowley as he lay there with his eyes closed trying to go to sleep. 

“You know I can’t sleep when you stare at me like that.” Crowley said with a little bit of a smirk. 

“Sorry. You’re just so beautiful it’s hard not to stare.” Ezra replied, smiling back. He chuckled softly when Crowley blushed. Crowley opened his eyes and just looked at Ezra for a moment. 

“Something’s on your mind, isn’t it?” He asked after a moment. 

“How’d you know?” Ezra smiled a little. 

“Could practically hear the wheels turning.” Crowley replied. He reached up and moved some hair off Ezra’s forehead. “What is it?” 

“Random thoughts of ridiculousness.” Ezra made a face before lightly kissing Crowley. “I’ve been thinking about this whole situation with your brother….” 

“Yes?” So far Ezra had been the only person Crowley allowed to refer to the young man as his brother. 

“What if this is what God was talking about?” Ezra put his hand flat on Crowley’s chest. 

“What do you mean?” Crowley furrowed his brow. 

“Your…..experience. When you were shot. You said that God said he still needs you. Not they, but he.” Ezra sighed. “What if this is what he meant?” 

“So you think that God spared my life because my brother needed me to save his?” Crowley furrowed his brow.

“It’s entirely possible…..” Ezra started. Crowley shook his head. 

“I refuse to believe that my whole purpose for existing is so that someone I never knew can go on and live a happy life.” Crowley looked Ezra in the eye. “I would much rather believe that I was put on this earth to spend the rest of my life loving you and making you happy.” 

“You know? I think you’re right.” Ezra nodded, giving Crowley a kiss. “Obviously God knew that I needed you in my life. That without you, I’d be some lost bachelor with no hope of ever having a happily ever after.” 

“Exactly.” Crowley said with a smirk. “I’m here because you need me. Not for any other reason than that.” 

“I think I’m okay with that.” Ezra nodded and gave Crowley a quick kiss on the lips. “Now, I need to try to get some sleep before work tomorrow.” 

“We could always…..wear each other out a bit first.” Crowley wiggled his eyebrows at Ezra who laughed. 

“And you said I was the incorrigible one.” Ezra said before rolling so that he was on top of Crowley. 

Ezra said quietly in the waiting room, flipping through a magazine that he wasn’t even trying to ready. The monsignor and Mother Superior were there as well. They’d been told exactly how long the procedure was going to take but it seemed to be taking forever. 

“Why wouldn’t they let one of us in with him?” Mother Superior asked. 

“He’s under general anesthesia.” Ezra replied. “And they need to make sure they can keep the environment as sterile as possible.” 

“Tea. Shall I go get everyone tea?” The monsignor asked. He’d been pacing around the waiting room and looking for something to do. 

“Tea would be lovely, John.” Mother Superior said. The monsignor nodded and went to go find them tea. Ezra looked at her with a raised eyebrow. “What?” 

“Something there I might need to know about?” He motioned with his head toward the departing monsignor. 

“We’ve known each other for more than 30 years and have practically raised Anthony together. That’s all you need to know.” She crossed her arms and settled into one of the chairs. 

“I’m really glad he’s had you two through all of this. You’ve shown him what parents who actually care about their children can be like. I think it’s part of why he was able to stand up to his mother.” Ezra said before running his fingers through his hair. “You showed him what real love is.” 

“I’ve never told him this but all these years I’ve been so glad that he was never adopted. I don’t know if I could have handled giving him away to some other family to take care of.” Mother Superior started to play with her rosary. “They wouldn’t have understood him….” 

“Your secret’s safe with me.” Ezra smiled. The monsignor came back and handed the two of them their tea. “Thank you, John.” Ezra said with a smirk. 

“Try calling me that again, young man, and we’ll see what happens next.” The monsignor said before sitting next to Mother Superior. 

“Did you just find a tactful way to tell me fuck around and find out?” Ezra asked with a smirk. 

“Priests do have to watch their language.” Mother Superior chuckled before sipping her tea and the monsignor just shrugged. This caused Ezra to actually laugh. 

“He’s in recovery now.” A nurse that had just walked up said. “One of you can sit with him until he wakes up and then we’ll move him to a room for overnight observation.” 

“So everything went okay?” Ezra asked as he got to his feet. 

“All perfectly routine.” The nurse said. Ezra looked at the monsignor and Mother Superior. 

“Go on, dear. We’re not the ones marrying him.” Mother Superior smirked and Ezra blushed. He followed the nurse into the recovery room and sighed a little when he saw Anthony laying on his stomach. It was necessary for the procedure but Ezra knew he wouldn’t like it. It ended up taking about an hour for the anesthesia to wear off.

“Ezra?” Crowley said sleepily as he blinked a few times. 

“Hey there, gorgeous. How are you feeling?” He shifted closer to the bed and moved some hair behind Crowley’s ear. He noticed how long his hair was getting. 

“My ass hurts.” Crowley cleared his throat. “And not in the fun way.” 

“I’m afraid that’s going to be the case for a bit.” Ezra kissed Crowley on the forehead. “They’re going to get you moved to a room soon and then I can go get you some ice cream or something.” 

“Ice cream sounds wonderful.” Crowley nodded. He was quiet for a moment and Ezra thought perhaps he’d drifted off. “Ezra?” 

“Yes, my love?” Ezra smiled when Crowley rolled his eyes at him. 

“I did the right thing, right?” He looked up at Ezra as best he could. Ezra put a hand on Crowley’s cheek and stroked gently with his thumb. 

“You absolutely did, Anthony. The rightest thing.” He gave Crowley another kiss on the forehead. Crowley just nodded and then closed his eyes going back to sleep. Ezra just settled back into the chair and waited for them to move Crowley to a room. He silently prayed that everything would turn out alright.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [For I Have Sinned](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29623929) by [Yelhsabeech](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yelhsabeech/pseuds/Yelhsabeech)




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